Tuesday, December 30, 2008

17-0, you're welcome.

OK, some thoughts from the game against Minnie:

Connie proves again that he's not a line 1 center. I love the guy but he's an anchor on the top line. Most shifts he had with Iggy and Cammy were spent digging out of the defensive zone. Connie has tons to give this team but put him where he can succeed.

Bert-Lanks-Bork (BLB) is fearsome. The wild are not defensive slouches and BLB was molesting them with ease. More on bork, I love his disposition: Shoot first, ask questions later.

Dion: STFU on the ice. He kept yelling for the puck all night and minnie took advantage of it non-stop. Maybe try some code words instead of 'Hey' and 'Up High'. I know he's trying to find some mojo but please demonstrate that you have the capacity to learn despite the cro-magnon appearance.

The win last evening was interesting to a me (as I have not been following my team with the regular zeal). All the scoring came from 'secondary' sources, it was a one goal game, there was a disallowed goal (mossman lightsabered it in from above the crossbar), and there was a heavy reliance on Kipper to shut it down. I will not prognosticate a stanley cup bound team but what I am seeing is an effective team that thrives at all levels, not just from the stars. I would suspect the Flames are still not playing their best hockey but they might be when it counts, the post season.

Two additional notes from the game:

Cal Clutterbuck is the best and worst hockey player name ever. I am sure he was beaten up repeatedly in the minors.

Last evening's reffing was magoo-ish. Case point: After the minnie goal play continued (no one realized it went in) and in that time Gio got a penalty. Once the goal was 'discovered' shouldn't the play afterwards been nulllified? It was time that didn't exist. This and other boondoggles led to the quote of the night:

"Who's reffing this clusterfuck, Cal Clutterbuck?"

Monday, December 29, 2008

He's Back.

Just who is Rene Bourque? And why the hell are there so many u's in his name and absolutely no c's or k's? Due to a misspent youth I always assumed it was bork. So, dear GSN reader, it's been awhile. I'd apologize but I didn't see you bailing me out while I was locked in mortal combat with a band of angry yetis. You're lucky I specialize in hand to hand yeti combat. While I won't dwell the long absence I will say this: we're back baby and shit is about to get real.

Back to RB for a moment. His mission is clear, he's looking for John Connor and was sent back in time by Skynet. I must applaud his strategy, scoring lots of goals for the Calgary Flames is going to smoke John Connor out lickety split. All kidding aside, RB is an offensive machine that shows no mercy. I like it.

This evening the Flames will be sharing some ice time with the Wild. I will be in attendance with my little brother which ensures a decisive victory. The Flames are like 16-0 when I attend with immediate family. The most notable: '04 game 6 in the Flames-Red Wings series.

Flames 17 Wild 0 (wait a second, this isn't the CAN junior team and Kazachstan)
Flames 3 Wild 2

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Change you can believe in.

First off, today was an important day for our US readers. Congratulation on a historic election and all the best to your new president. Personally I look forward to less season ending injuries at the hands of 'Joe Sixpack' Sarah Palin as she will not be dropping any pucks at hockey games for awhile.

The Flames certainly believed in some positive change lately as their 6 game tear was a welcome change from the early season start from hell. Enough of the bad, let's talk about the good in the only way the GSN can, sentence fragments.

Curtis Glencross may be the next best thing since sliced bread. A presence in all areas of the rink, a force to be reckoned with, a veritable cornicopia of offense and not to mention ridiculous good looks. This is Glencross' world and we're all just living in it.

Dustin Boyd is another shining star. To think that this fine young man might still be down with the QC Flames makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

(Game Update: PHX is owning us. There are many reasons for this but tonight I will blame the people seated in section 113 row 3 seats 6 and 11. Thanks wankers)

Administrative Note: GF and I apologize for the sparse posting of late. It is due to some madness at work (yes we work at the same undisclosed location and are labouring hard to change the world in our field). We will bust our balls to give you the blogging you deserve but please bear with us.

Hockey Pool Note:
GF had Marty Brodeur and was owning his poolmates with relative ease. With Marty's season ending injury GF is, in a word, fucked. I wish Marty a speedy recovery mainly because I can't wait to see him become the winningest goalie of all time. It's an accolade he truly deserves.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Keep the Peace in the Crease

Ok, I have been in California for the week, missed the last two flames games and have no idea wtf is going on in the NHL. It's hard to remember hockey when you in sunny +30C weather. Whooo.

I would like to take a moment to call out my counter part on the GSN, GaleForce. Call me Rob Tortorella for a moment here, but we need some goddamn posting. Thus ends the calling out.

Actually, GF had an interesting question for me today: Should Sundin be acquired in a current hockey pool? That's a tough one. If Sundin laces them up he will be a force to be sure. But will he? I have to be honest, I grow weary of the older dudes, shit or get off the pot! The answer, no don't take Sundin.

Since I am stuck watching the Caps and Phx this evening I would like to comment on the commentating. It's all color and the occasional play call. It's weird how the US market tries to brand hockey. In Nascar the commentating is all color and banter until there is a wreck. That doesn't work so well with hockey but perhaps I'm just a stickler.

Ottawa has returned to goalie controversy. It's about damn time. Gerbs is a nice enough guy but he's good for about two softies an night. Auld might do better.

Ok, YYC (aka Calgary). They are currently leading the preds. HOLD ON GUYS!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Battle of Alberta Preview

This is a short one:

Flames win.

Look for Alice Hemsky get into a fight with Iggy who knocks out several of his teefs.
The kid line scores a goal increasing the debate surround the sophomore curse.
Garon is benched in favor of Rollie (who will get lit up and chased from the net by the third).

Flames 8 Oilers 3

Friday, October 10, 2008

Season Opener.

Wow. That effing sucked.

The Flames are trying to be more of a puck possession team.
An admirable strategy, if you can pull it off. Period 1 it looked like they were but in reality the 'Nucks were just finding their feet. Things turned south with Connie-Boyd had the stinky turn over with the Sedins on the ice. That's a no-no and turned into a goal against.

Ok, I don't believe it's time to panic. It is time to talk to the forwards about their defensive roles. As well, I would like to see the defensive core not over commit down low. Too many times last night a blue jersey was left wide open and was able to pounce on a juicy rebound. My notes point out that Kipper stopped all the initial shots (not sure I was totally accurate on that) but was murdered on secondary attempts. Rebound control and the D-team covering where rebounds go would help.

Keenan Blender
The Keenan random line generator is hard to stomach at times. It seems that no line can generate chemistry because they only play a shift or two together. I can't say I love this strategy and I can't say I hate it. We also can't say it works.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Dustin Boyd had one helluva preseason as the top performer. With linemates Moss and GlenX they were terrorizing the competition every night.

So as the roster has been pruned, tuned and tweaked, it would only make sense that Boyd has been sent to the QC Flames. Yeah, you read that right, the Flames management sent him to the minors.

Wow. That's all I can say. Dustin, I am terribly sad to see you go when tools like Prust and Nystrom get to play. This is nothing outside of shameful. Now, it's not a cap issue and it's not a one-way deal issue. Well, mostly not a one way issue. You see, they can fire Nystrom and Prust down to the minors but they still have to pay them the NHL money whereas Boyd can get shafted down to the minors and get paid 30k. I'm sure Kent and WI will cover it more thoroughly.

It's a shame to see such a bad mangerial decision especially when your organization relies so heavily on internally bred talent. You cannot do things like this, even Kevin Lowe knows that.

In other news Rhettsky was put on IR. Because that makes a great deal of sense.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Prediction Season

ESPN, the most amazing sports team in the galaxy, took some time away from Monday night football to partake in the preseason prognostication party. Apart from the asinine alliteration, I would like to highlight the humor value of the ESPN team in addition to the few pearls of wisdom.

Firstly, ESPN thinks Dion Phaneuf is looking pretty good for the Norris. I say HA! As if. Everyone knows Sidney Crosby is going to win it with his commanding presence in both ends of the rink. Clearly I am kidding, but while we're at it, you know who is missing from this list? Hal Gill aka the USS Hal Gill. Check out www.thepensblog.com if you don't believe me.

Scott Burnside and Linda Cohn seemed to have some reasonable picks but then I saw Tampa Bay in there. WTF people. Stamkos can't save hockey in Florida and Melrose can take his coif and blue steel impression all the way back to ESPN's broadcast booth. TBay needs to ship it's roster up north for some harden-the-fuck-up training if the games in Sweden were any indication. Rookie of the year and most ridiculously good looking coach is all they have in the pipeline. At least Scott and Linda got one thing right, Trogdor is going to win the cup. BURNINATION!

Notably, you'll notice (sic) that Kipper is missing from the Vezina picks. I have to agree on this and yet deep down hope that I am dreadfully wrong. Kipper looked brutal in the preseason and typically has a terrible start. Thing is, at $8M this season he needs to have a great start and perform like Kipper from 04 or the trade deadline might have a painful boot to the arse of the unflapable Finn.

Also on my gripe list is this notion that the Dallas Stars are somehow going to win the Cup. Look, this is the NHL not the academy of motion picture arts and sciences. There are no lifetime achievement awards and the only way to foist Lord Stanley's Chalice is to drag yourself through hell. The stars have proven, repeatedly, they can't handle the big dance.

But the internet is a vast and magical place. If you look hard enough you can find something or someone that tells you what you want to hear. PuckPassion is that place if you're a Flames fan. I'm a bit choked because the Predict-o-tron 2000 was used without our permission but I like the result.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Guerrilla Campaign of the Week: Operation Eriksson

People, the time has come to mobilize against the forces that employ Anders Eriksson and allow him ANY FUCKING ICETIME WHATSOEVER. The usual suspects have excellent game coverage and there are some glimmers of awesome in the roster. On the flipside, a fair amount of commentary revolves around Anders and his horrific defensive zone turn overs, his appalling offensive zone turnovers, and his lack of puck awareness. Apparently the only places Eriksson excels are sitting on the bench, warming the penalty box, and the neutral zone. Regarding the game of hockey in the NHL he's hitting the epic failure button pretty hard and frequently. Please don't dress him for the rest of the season and no one will get hurt.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

File this under WTF

The new NHL season has barely started and my hatred campaign regarding Gary Bettman has picked up serious speed. The NHL, looking to open the 08-09 season with some punch, has hired the greatest arena band EVER to perform in Detroit; Def Leppard. Well, if the NHL was hoping to attract new fans I guess mullet sporting, camaro driving, high top wearing 80s throwbacks is a great target demographic. However, everyone knows the greatest arena rock band is The Darkness. You go Gary, you're in touch with reality.

Perhaps the leaf nation will have something to celebrate this year after all. They handed Buffalo a can of whup ass in a preseason tilt. 7-4 was the final tally.

In a bit of Flames news, Kipper showed up with his best fitness ever but has been laid low with the flu. Never a good way to start the season. Hopefully it's not the flu going around my office, it's pretty nasty.

In a bit more Flames News, Iron Mike was quoted as saying, "There are no Kyle Wellwoods on this team." Damn straight.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Kyle Wellwood and the Canucks

With the firing of Nonuts, the Canucks off season strategy became readily apparent, pick up all the chaff and offal from the Toronto Maple Leafs. With the Sundin deal falling through the Nucks were placing a great deal of hope in a questionable 2nd line forward, Kyle Wellwood.

Welly is a nice enough kid but he's never crossed my radar as a second line offensive threat. At any rate, Kyle pulled into training camp and has failed to meet the conditioning expectations of Coach Alex. By failing to meet the standards, I mean dude rolled in kinda fat, taChunk styles.

Granted Kyle broke his foot in the early offseason but damn, show some discipline! If Britney Spears can lay off the cheetos, Kyle Wellwood certainly can. It's cool though, the Sedins have offered to follow him around and make sure he doesn't eat everything in site while watching TV on the couch.

As for the 'Nucks, this bodes well for their extended season plans. It looks like another long season of riding 'Bongo into the ground. Maybe the Flames will be able to beat them handily this season.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Minor Technical Issues

Hey Loyal GSN readers. You may have noticed our swank URL redirect is . . . BROKEN. I am working diligently with various levels of tech support to resolve this most alarming issue. Let's be honest typing guerrilla with any regularity is on the monumental side of annoying.

In other news: Dave and Leanne, WI, and people other than me have been checking out the early season training camps. By the sounds of it we might have some talent. This season will be very telling, Sutter is a genius or a fool.

In other news, we have to give a Guerrilla Fist Pound to Kent at 5holeFanatics for returning the GSN to his blogroll and his seeming rise to the mainstream of sports blogging. That or the Flames have enlisted him as their statstician and prognositicator.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Hiatus Explained

It was a busy summer and hockey was never far from our minds. Unfortunately our posting schedule went out the window and we apologize. A little bit. After getting culled from Kent's blogroll over at fiveholefanatics we realized we better get back to work. Bear with us, we're re-designing the blog and adjusting our theme. Don't worry, we're surly and anxious for some icy rubber and plexiglass. Crappy grammar, expletives and outrageous claims are all we promise. We hope you're entertained.

Ask GSN: How do I dominate my hockey pool?

It's that time of year again - bidness time! And by bidness, I mean dominating your opponents in hockey pools and winning large piles of "cizzy". In fact, we received a letter asking us exactly that:
Dear GSN,

I love reading you guys and I think you're hockey gurus, can you teach me how to dominate my hockey pool?
Yes. Here are some guidelines to dominate your way to victory.

  1. Join a pool with of blowhards who brag a lot and are basically lazy. The louder, more obnoxious they are, the less likely they are to know anything about hockey. Watch the quiet ones! Also, fear newbies. Newbies often win, even when they don't know anything. I dominated my pool the first year a joined a bunch of guys who were talking it up.
  2. Don't take pity on the nice people who respect your genius. The urge is strong to help those who aren't shooting their mouth off at a hockey pool draft. This includes people like your less-hockey-knowledgable significant other. Don't give these people tips - they will end up beating you. Don't take pity on people who are unprepared at a draft! Your second choice for rookie of the year will end up being the guy that wins while your pick is an epic failure.
  3. BE PREPARED. Seriously, 95% of people are lazy. Including hockey fans. If you are prepared beforehand, you can own these people. Most hockey pool online sites like Yahoo Fantasy Hockey and Officepools.com have tools that you can use to rank players from last year according to the scoring rules for your pool this year. Make use of these lists. People often don't know about them! And for heaven's sake, don't tell anyone. (I'm fundamentally breaking this rule by posting, but I am desperate for your admiration.)
  4. Look for guys that were (abnormally) injured last year. These are never on anybody's lists and can make a killing if they are generally a reliable, healthy performer. I made a killing by taking Brendan Morrow as my enforcer last year when he had a bad injury this year before. This year, look at a guy like Horcoff. (uck. stupid oilers). That said...
  5. Don't pick really injury-prone guys. Especially if your pool doesn't have trades/free agents. I'm talking about guys like Forsberg and Havlat. You are asking for it by picking these guys. It's rarely worth the risk, even late in the draft. Slow and steady wins the pool.
  6. Pick up key goalies and defencemen early in the draft. While everyone else is going to be freaking out about Crosby, Ovechkin, Thornton, Iginla, etc. the fact is that there are a lot of forwards in the league. If you have a relatively small number of people/not too many picks, there will always be good forwards available. The same cannot be said for blue chip defencemen (Lidstrom, Chara, Phaneuf) and goalies (Brodeur, Luongo, Nabokov). Once you get past the very small A-list on defence and goal, there is a steep drop off. Not so much for forwards. This hold true in pools with and without trades - with trades, you can always pickup some hot forward that nobody expected to be this good (Mike Richards, Patrick Kane, etc).
  7. In a pool with trades/free agents, you can win by sheer brute force. Read the hockey news websites (cough*GSN*cough), pick up guys that are hot. Even pick up guys from teams that play more than other teams in a given week if your pool allows for that. It may be worth having a couple of spots on your rosters dedicated to churning the hottest player through there. However if you fall upon a guy that's really lightning it up and it's not just a streak, hold on! This is what happened to me with Kane last year. Free agents are more valuable than trades - people rarely want to trade with you unless it's a huge blockbuster that actually benefits/harms both parties equally.
OK, with these 7 tips, you should be on your way to fame and fortune. Send us a cut of your earnings via PayPal. Good luck!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dion Phaneuf: Supermodel

Keep your pants on people because shit just got REAL! Dion has been selected to grace the cover of EA Sports' NHL 09. Hot diggity damn!

Ok, let's cover this in order of hilarity:

1) I have preformed a rigorous regression analysis using the poission distribution. The box for NHL 09 will be the size of a small fridge to accommodate Dion's rather large mellon and equally stylish hair. People he's just that good looking.

2) I linked to the venerable CBC. Wanna bet they sell Ronnie Mac out next?

3) A memorable quote from young Dion:

particularly because of the significant improvements that have been made to the defensive game and the new checking engine.

Ok. For starters anyone want to take any bets he has no fucking clue what a checking engine is? I mean, he's got the broad strokes, he himself is a checking engine but for real people! I bet he's with Elisha Cuthbert because of the improvements to her 'humping engine' but I digress. Lastly, I am familiar with EA sports and I bet you bottom dollar that they improved sweet fuck all in the game other updating the teams and messing up the buttons. (seriously after they moved the spinny-move button I lost all faith in them)

Anyhow, congrats Dion! While you're at EA can you body check every exec you see? Thanks!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I cannot bear to discuss the Flames as yet. The sting of the season is still fresh upon my soul. But I would never pass up an opportunity to rag on the CBC the most mismanaged, incompetently run sports broadcasting network ever. Like in the history of civilization.

Case #1: Refusing to extend Ronnie Mac's contract. This needs no further explanation.
Case #2: Refusing to purchase the fucking theme song to HNIC.

I fail to see how this was even an issue. The most iconic Canadian theme song will not be heard on every saturday of the NHL season henceforth. Instead, TSN will likely play it all the FUCKING time and somehow drive this valued piece of content into the ground rendering it's once beautiful tones into a blaring cacophony of broken dreams.

To the CBC I say this: you are epic failures in your quest to dominate the hockey broadcasting market. In building up a highly successful brand you lost control of the main pillar propping up your brand. For the love of all that is good in the world what the hell are you idiots doing over there? I hope you are in a room full of timmies donuts and coffee strategizing a way out of this quagmire of incompetence. You know the sad fact is, not even Gary Bettman would have made a mistake like this.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

PJ Stock is Loose

I was gonna write a post about PJ Stock and Ronnie brawling for the right to be on hockey night in Canada, but then I just went on living my life.

Right now the only thing worth living for is watching the Flames take on the Sharks for game 7. You all know what is at stake so I will spare you the cliches.

See you in the trenches.

Friday, April 18, 2008


The Ducks have sent spies up north in the event they end up facing Calgary in their quest for Lord Stanley's Chalice. (Not effin' likely if Dallas has their way)

Like any good fan I post this image with a dire warning to all geeses and ducks. It's APRIL bitches, you are supposed to be in Florida. If you're here it's obvious you're spying.

To the Ducks I suggest the following, worry about the Stars. Turco and the terrors are owning you. Thank heavens. Next to whichever team Avery is on, the Ducks are the second last team I want to see be successful this year.

UPDATE: Apparently one of the geese has been romantically linked with PJ Stock.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Game 5: UPDATE


Deal with it people, I'm 100 times better looking than PJ Stock.

Game 5: Sup Dog?

Via Trapper:

Hello GSN'ers. I'm just kicking it in my Jersey watching game 5. I have been intently watching the officiating and I have reached this simple conclusion:

I think the NHL officials would be put to better use licking my balls. It's a full time job so I'm accepting applications.


Monday, April 14, 2008

The Church of Sarich. . .

. . . is now in session, Marleau you've been baptized.

The Flames like to do it from behind

At approximately 3.8 minutes into last evening tilt against the sharks I was tempted to turn the TV off in disgust. First, the lousy officiating and perhaps the 3 goals scored by the vile SJ Sharks. I can't recall Kipper ever being chased from the net in this fashion.

Now, I am fully supportive of the Flames desire to be branded underdogs, I get that they play best under a bit of pressure but wow, that was a nail biter.

To be honest, I cannot think of a better game if you are looking for an example of momentum. And the irony? The much maligned Sarich orchestrated the whole damn thing. Rumor on the street: The Church of Sarich is now in session, you don't get baptized with a splash of water, you get crushed into the boards. Look, just ask Marleau he joined up last evening. (BTW, mad props to marleau for getting up and playing like a man possessed for the remainder of the game, can the pundits stop calling him soft now?)

The Flames PP called fedex, and hey they delivered going 2/2. I can't think of a better game for it to click. Cheers Dion, I hope you and Elisha had some wild hero sex last night because I think you kinda deserved it.

In other news, I would like to point out all the contributions from the secondary crew. SJ has been pretty solid at marginalizing the big guns at even strength, but that's cool because we've got Yelle, Nolan, Connie and Sarich. At this rate I bet even Hale gets on the board.

Lastly, the Kipper and Cujo. I think it's fair to say Daz was right all along in acquiring Cujo. Not that Kipper isn't up to the task but it has to be a bit of relief to know that Cujo can backstop the boys if needed. Heading into game 4 is a bit of a tricky proposition, do you start Cujo or Kipper? I can't say but it will be interesting to see what Keenan does.

PS, I know get why Keenan plays the random lines game, because now he can perch comfortably behind the bench knowing that anyone can play with anyone else. Given the way Keenan runs the bench it could be the most genius and intriguing thing I have ever seen.

PPS I wonder if that crazy kipper stat from the 03-04 run holds true, any game where the Kipper let in more than three goals he returned to win, mainly with a shutout.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Game 3: In Game Blogging

Wow. This game is off to an extraordinarily bad start. At first I thought it was the people in the sea or red wearing white (people what color is the sea of red? this is a rhetorical question) but the real concern was the Sharks scoring 3 unanswered goals in like 72 seconds. I am pretty sure MG is completely wasted and WI is wondering if the jersey has to go.

It is just me or does the officiating stink in the playoffs. I am not referring to just the CGY-SJ series. League wide, something of pungent nature is taking place. Has anyone kept tabs on Mick Magoo(sic)?

Sarich deserves a gold star for levelling Marleau, what a hit! And thanks Dion for scoring. We might get back into this one. More next intermission.

Seriously now, stop giving him the puck. Nabby is to strong for him.

Ok, so we have 3 minutes left, not going to put this in the win column yet but wow, did the sharks ever prematurely blow the proverbial load. Gotta save something for the rest of the game dudes.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

This is not an ad for hair restoration

...But it really could be. I am doing my best to support the Flames but my hair follicles are letting me down.

Guess who isn't letting me down, Stephane Yelle. Ol' Sandbox showed some grit last night and hot damn did Iggy and Kipper put on a clinic. I have been reserved about the Flames chances here in the post season but last evening was reminiscent of a few years back.

A Quick Spin around the Playoffs:
How the mighty have fallen. The Sens will be lucky if the Commish doesn't enact a mercy rule by game three and allow Roberts and Co a bye into the SC final. It's a bad day at the office when a 50 year old dude owns your entire team. And would someone remind volchenkov that you shouldn't block pucks with your face?

The Avs and Wild, I honestly don't really care. The wild are the most boring team in the NHL.

Poor Boston. MTL has their number.

Avery cannot make the next round. Period.

Flames and Sharks tonight:
Flames win, another one goal nail biter.

Is it 2004?


I have decided to get a mohawk in honor of the Flames. Now I don't want to get excited but the mighty sharks don't seem so mighty . . . (fingers crossed)

More later gang, I am swamped at work.

So, I wanted the frohawk but it's not really possible. Depsite my receding hairline I got the mo-fauxhawk done. Ironically, it's more of a whoa-hawk. Pics soon . . .

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Gone Baby Gone

Was going to go with the picture of Linden and Iginla shaking hands, but quickly realized that meant I would be voluntarily placing a Jarome Iginla on my post. It's a real shame Dustin Boyd wasn't there too ruin his second shot at #50. So hello Joel Otto, it's been a while. How's the good life treating you?

Goodbye Trevor Linden. Way to go Canucks for making sure he went out in style. At least we didn't totally tank the game and lose like 8-1 or something. Although if we left Bobby Lou in there I think Calgary could've scored 10. With the season he's been having they shouldn't have even started him last night. Anyways much like Stan Smyl, Tony Tanti and Kirk McLean before you, its off to the glue factory Canucks old-timers games. Here's hoping they let you wear the 'C'.

Friday, April 4, 2008

No Winny in Minny

Ok, it was a busy evening in the NHL. There are a few things I would like to cover.

1) Wild vs Calgary:
The officiating in the NHL has taken a turn for the worse heading into the post season. There exists a historical precedent regarding end of season reffing but this is ludicrous. Vandemeer gets his stick slashed into pieces and goes off for 2? Burns punches Dion and doesn't get an instigator? Wow. And let's not forget paint drying has a higher entertainment value than the Wild playing with a lead. Admiral Ackbar said it best: "It's a TRAP we can't repel officiating of that magnitude!"

2) Flames have limped into the post season.
Again, we have to thank the Oilers for both playing like animals and knocking out the Canucks allowing us to secure a playoff berth. Next season we cannot expect the same nicety from the Oil as they will be marching into the post season all by their onesy selves, savvy? Now, one predicament the Flames need to avoid is losing to the canucks on Saturday thereby ensuring a round 1 meeting with the SJ Sharks. In that highly likely scenario the round 1 winner is going rhyme with 'Fran Hosie Parks' and not 'the Frames'. Of course, I don't want to put any pressure on Calgary here but please so us all a favour and FUCKING WIN on Saturday.

3) OTT vs Leaves.
Wow, people rag on Dion for being a punk, and he is a wee bit punkish on the ice, but how about Bell and Tucker? They are out and out douchebags. If you fail to make the playoffs there is no better way to build a reputation of douchebaggery than running over the oppositions star captain or threatening to take out another opposition star players knee. While you're in the penalty box. On national fucking television. Bell? Well he's making lots of friends.

4) Chris Chelios
Chelios is a muppet.

This could be it for Markus and Trevor

And it may all end with a whimper. It's quite likely that Saturday's game with the Flamers will be the last game in a Canuck's jersey for Naslund or Linden (or both). Linden simply shouldn't be around next year. He's one of my all-time favourite Canucks but keeping him around for six goals a year just isn't going to cut it on a team that has such difficulties scoring. And for a team with such great scoring issues Naslund's decline has been particularly troublesome. Look at his point totals for his last five NHL seasons - 104, 84, 79, 60 and 55 with one game left this season. He's a free agent this summer and perhaps the Canucks ought to consider what else they could get for 6 mil a season.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

It is simple.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Let's not forget Canada's Team

[Thank goodness for the edit function]

I don't ask much. A cold beer after a hard days work. My Pizza delivered warm. Clean sheets once a week. And of course, the Canucks in the playoffs. Now that the Oilers are officially done, we are left with a few different scenarios. The most likely is that the Flames are in and that the last Western spot will come down to Nashville or The Swedish Bikini Team. Ok, that's the most likely scenario when you read the NHL standings whilst drunk off your ass. Apparently I was slightly off here. Whoopsies. I'm probably what jinxed them into losing tonight. Dammit all!

Now, fellow Canadians I ask of you --- do we really want Nashville - Nashville!!!...in the playoffs?!?! Jason Arnott has had his chance at playoff glory and it is not quite Dan Ellis' time yet. So I dare say as Canadians we owe it to the Canucks to cheer for them as they make their final playoff push. And don't worry Flames fans I won't tell anyone that you'll be cheering for Vancouver's finest this coming Saturday. Guess it doesn't matter now. Maybe next year we can get that offense back on track. Guess now I will have to figure out which teams playoff bandwagon to join..

Farewell Greasers

Despite a thrilling surge in the latter part of the season, the Oilers fell out of playoff contention at the hands of the Flames. Surges, as the US military can attest, are gambles at best but this one nearly worked. That being said, I feel the Oil deserve a huge congrats on playing some of the most exciting hockey ever (16-2 in the final stretch, that's amazing). Next season watch out. A great game last night.

Our Calgary Flames have yet to clinch a spot. I am glad they are road tripping right now and not home getting caught up in all the hubbub of Junos (for the US readers the Junos are like the oscars but Canadian*). As usual, our division is somewhat undecided at this point and the term 'logjam' or 'constipation' or perhaps even 'intestinal blockage' could serve as a poetic metaphor. The solution is simple, WD 40. When you need a quick-slick-clinch of sixth place look no further than north america's favorite lubricant. (that just sounds dirty)

In other news, I would like to remind my fellow Flames fans (if you can take time out of your busy schedule beating down that douchebag that was unfortunately wearing an oilers jersey) that we do not have much right to gloat over our defeat of the Oilers. At no point during the regular season has Edmonton fielded a complete roster. With the likes of Horrcoff, Torres, Moreau et al being sidelined more consistently than the Flames results it's a wonder they were even contesting a playoff spot. Likewise for the Canucks. Despite the fact I strongly dislike Van and would personally torch the Sedin's bunkbeds (with them in it) Calgary has proven inept at beating the mani-fucking-toba moose. Pound for pound, Calgary has had it easy with injuries and should have put the Oil and Vancouver on the fast track to missing the post season.

Of course, I am sure MG will provide a solid fanalytical perspective, I am just going from the gut here. In short, the next two games must be won. Put on your big girl pants CGY, it's a man's game.

* yes I know the junos are about music and not motion pictures ;-)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Year of the Paper Tiger

Coming up with something witty to say has been challenging. The very hard reality of this season, to be postmortem-ed soon, bears a remarkable resemblance to the much feared yet oft slain paper tiger.

This evening marks the final edition of this seasons battle of Alberta. It is a battle that has spilled onto the streets although this guy kinda looks like a douchebag (I am kidding, but did it really take 4 dudes to beat him down? that seems excessive to me). The theme of tonight's tilts is Old vs New. The Flames represent the Old and the Oilers full of fresh faced rookies represent the New. For both teams the result of this game could hold the key to the post season. Calling this game a must win does not accurately convey the gravity of the situation, the walk from the locker room to the ice is equivalent to the march to the gallows. By the end of the night, the trap door will be sprung choking the life out of one teams playoff hopes.

Help us David Hale, you're our only hope . . .

PS Regs, no screwing around tonite.
PPPS Preems, FOCUS you too can score a goal
PPPPS No Micky Reffing tonite, perhaps tripping, goalie crashing and being a shithead are legit penalties again. WOO HOO

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Yet another must win game.

Flames and Canucks meet up tonite. I could use the usual cliches, spirited affair, big game, must win situation, playoff hockey, etc, but we all know the score. The Flames need to win, scrappy underdog styles.

In a vein similar to the topic of underdogs, the Juice is manning the pressbox this evening and young gun Boyd is in. Interesting times in the Flames dressing room. At any rate, this will likely spur Christian into a goal-a-thon in the near future.

We can hope that Lou's wife has her baby before game time, which would be a great thing for all parties involved. I feel the flames owe the oilers a win tonite so we dispatched a highly trained operative (see above) to tilt the game in our favour. Trapper, the GSN hound, just returned from a secret mission at the Dome. He may, or may not have, chewed on the sedin's sticks at a critical stress point, taken a dump in Loungo's lid, shed all over Raymond's sweater and given that grin on his face he definitely peed in the gloves of Burrows and Mitchell. There are also uncomfirmed rumors that Vigneault's tie was chewed to bits. Take that Vancouver.

Go Flames.

St. Patrick

Unless you inhabit the dark side of a boulder you've likely heard about a recent controversy involving Roy Jr. Course, you could get up to speed here, here, here, here(youtube) or here but the short version is, Mini Roy lost his shit and beat down the opposing goalie. Gee, that's never been done b-e-f-ore.

One thing George Lucas has taught us, besides the simple fact that some things should be left alone, is that sons tend to carry similar traits to their fathers. Now whether this is a result of learned behaviour or something completely and randomly emergent I leave it to you, the savvy and loyal GSN reader.

The backlash that has resulted from a good old hockey brawl is amazing. Last time there was national coverage of such an event it involved adolescents. I suppose the debate about fighting in hockey is being rekindled but I say this, leave it alone. These things have a habit of taking care of themselves.
As for the obscene gesture to the crowd? Well let's be honest, the French Canadian culture is extremely passionate about a few things. Historically speaking, this isn't the first time obscenities have been hurled at large crowds. Trudeau was pretty awesome at it. The Man-from- Shawinigan succumbed to his urge to choke a bitch. Basically, don't mention politics or insult hockey in their presence because you'll have a fight on your hands. I think we need to know if Bobby Nadeau made fun of Roy Jr's political affiliations. Clearly it had nothing to do the with score, which was like 100-0 or something. In the heat of the moment I would have flipped off the crowd too.

This circus is merely a mountain out of a molehill. Get back to playing people.

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Regular Season continues.

I was unaware of this awesome site until google pointed it out. www.divealanche.com, they provided this excellent graphic and I thank them for it.

Over the weekend the Flames provided some spectacular entertainment and won in the process. Dion's goal was a beaut, Lombo finally missed the post and let's not forget Iggy's hat trick.

Saturday's game afforded some interesting observations:

1) For the first time this season, the Flame effected a complete line change while pinning their opponent in their own zone. This is exciting as I have not seen a similar level of pwnage since 04 against the sharks. Gritty and determined, total scrappy dog style.

2) The Juice is trying out a new role, mainly sitting on the bench but strangely it seems to be benefiting the team. Maybe Keenan isn't a complete random line generator.

3) Lombo and/or Nolan
and/or Yelle and/or Primeau look strangely awesome. I think the Dome needs to play Sandstorm whenever these gents hit the ice because they were sandblasting Minny. Yeah yeah, I'll stop with the puns.

This evening Forseberg, (who may or may not play*) Foote and the rest of the Colorado Avalanche return home to face Calgary. Up north, Minny meets the Oil. Uh, GOILERS! You see, the Oilers have become the Cinderella story of the NHL, if they continue to beat everyone we will see them in the playoffs and that's just cool. Either way, I would like them to beat the Wild, makes things good for everyone in the long run. Back to CGY vs COL. . . I think karma will go in Calgary's favour tonight, the Cs have dominated the Avs in most games but failed to leave with the win. Tonight should be an exception.

Luckily, HALEWATCH gets a break this evening as the game is PPV or whatever the eff ALT-HD is. Hale's** luck? He friggin' scores but no one sees it. I've got a good feeling that Alberta sweeps tonight.

*Foppa is playing. I'm an idiot
** Hale is injured ensuring that he will not score.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Stark Contrast.

No funny picture today. Better grammar checking. There's no excuse.

The Flames have no excuse and no time either. Tonight they host the Colorado Dive-alanche and make no mistake about it this is a must win game. All season long the Flames have delivered sound bites at the right time with the right message: play better, play simple, pucks on net, blah blah blah. Time to deliver gentlemen.

Where to place the blame? Sadly, it's on the shoulders of a hard working man by the name of Daryl. Blame not Iggy. Blame not Kipper, dude was bound to have a rough season eventually. Blame the team composition. We have some extremely talented players that are saddled up with young or 'past their prime' players. You can't have 2 people on the number 1 line, you need three. You cannot have 2 people on the number 2 line, you need 3 bona fide second line talents. As for our defense, Regs and Dion should just suit up and play 60 minutes, it would be no less effective than our current situation.

If you are a professional athlete and the likes of Jarome Iginla cannot inspire your overpaid ass to play your best then simply, you fucking suck. Or, perhaps in our case, the best of the rest falls short of what we need to win consistently. To the Flames roster I say this: It's time to rise above and play beyond yourselves, be the difference stop waiting for something to happen.

The Flames have proven in the past that the underdog role suits them. The weight of expectation hobbles what could be the best team in the league. Starting this very instant I drop all expectations, my Calgary Flames suck and are underdogs that I do not expect to clinch the division, make the playoffs or even take a run at the Cup. I expect they will fall out of the playoff race in the next 10 days.

There you go Connie, Lanks, Juice, Preems, and every other under performing member of that cast. You're cast free from the shackles of any expectation, every point you get, every hit you deliver and every positive thing you do will be a bright spot on your ice time. Every other boneheaded move you make will be fine by me because I expect no less. You can now play above and beyond yourselves much like you did in 04.

Fight hard, make every team that suits up against you remember the cost of touching the puck. Please go down fighting harder than you ever have.

This evening Hale is going to score. Ironman Lombo (aka the NHL's official tester of post and crossbar structural integrity) is going to get a goal. Aucoin is going to play like he's 21 and not get out raced in the defensive zone. And Kipper is going to shine.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Oh yeah, they were gonna make the playoffs. . . .

Not for the faint of heart: Toilet Humor

My fellow hockey fans, I am here before you tonight to discuss the state of the NW division. I would like to tell you that is it constipated.

The annual logjam heading into the final stretch started in October and has really picked up steam in the last 4 months. The standings look like:

Minny - 86

Calgary - 84
Vancouver - 84
Colorado - 84
Edmonton - Stanley Cup contenders in 2010.

Everyone is so engrossed with TO's not making of the playoffs I don't think there has been much thought given to the veritable shitstorm of the NW division. Not even Jay Onriat has had anything to say, instead choosing to live blog the Leaf's desperate attempt to make the playoffs winning 13 games in their remaining 11. Jay is a wise cracking fool, his thoughts would be like a warm blanked on a cold day. As the fully digested campaign prepares to pass through the sphincter marking the end of the regular season there remain some burning questions before we plop into the proverbial post season toilet bowl.

1) Can the Flames make the post season? Yup, they just gotta win a few games against divisional opponents.

2) Can the Flames do better than 8th and avoid the Red Wing beat down in the first round? hm, not likely given the current level of playing. If facing the wings in round 1 isn't enough to inspire you to get your crap together, I don't know what will.

3) Is Rhett Warrener injured? Yup, he broke some bones again. Dude needs to drink some mofuggin' milk or somesuch. He's a huge loss because eriksson draws in practically ensuring 1-2 GA per game.

4) Tangs is a GTD, given a broken toe. Damnation, he's proven valuable, more valuable than anyone player on the MTL roster. Are we getting closer to screwed? Yes.

The Flames need to be the ex-lax of the NW division blockage for the remainder of the season. This would ensure we don't suffer the 6 game exit against the Wings that we are predisposed to suffering. Putting on a surge and considering all divisional opponents to be insurgents would go a very long way to getting into the post season with some fire. Thing is, the Flames need to be a coalition of the willing. And they need to be willing to win.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Main component of fairness: Fairies

Folks, I'm back. There was a strange absence of 'game-day' posts because I seem to carry the curse of the year regarding the Flames. As it stands, and has been pointed out repeatedly, the Flames need to play .500 hockey to have a hope of smelling the post season. This road trip has been, uh . . . frightening, to this point. Hopefully the win against the 'Hawks galvanizes the boys in red to a .500 road trip.

So, Pronger got suspended. Merely 8 games for his deliberate stomp on Kessler. Chris Simon on the other hand got a Hajillion* game suspension. Both are repeat offenders, both stomped on reputable NHL pests, but both are not NHL superstars. See, prongs has a history of suspensions and incidents in the NHL just like Simon. Granted, Pronger has never baseball-ed a poor fool in the face but he's done some nasty stuff. At any rate, initially there was to be no disciplinary action but then NEW VIDEO EVIDENCE surfaced and Colin Campbell had to do something. The problem I have with the handling of 'StomperGate' is simple: it's a case of limp-dickery.

1) The NHL disciplinary committee has decreed no wrong doing in the Pronger Stomp case. Before all the video evidence was reviewed. Yep, that's a classic case of limp dickery.

2) Upon further review, the NHL disciplinary committee has decreed Pronger will be suspended 8 games. Why only 8? Is it because he's the daughter of a prominent dentist? No, it's because he's a superstar. Yeah, another limp dick handling of the issue. It would be a real punishment if Pronger had to sit out the first round of the playoffs, this 8 game shit means nothing. The Ducks could sit out the rest of the regular season and still make the post season so Colin Campbell has essentially 'appeased' the public but failed to adequately hurt Pronger. Hell, I bet Pronger is stoked for the 8 game break.

Not that I am interested in the job, but were I running the NHL discipline department with the mandate of protecting the players and all that crap; my handling of Pronger would have been simple. First, make no announcements until you have received all footage from all angles. Once it has been established that there was some goonery going on I would toss out the Colin Campbell wheel of justice and give Pronger what he deserves. Not limp-dickery but a good old fashion set of balls to the face. Not just any balls people, the BALLS OF JUSTICE! In short, Hey Prongs, see you next season. No, really, next season. Take some time to reflect on your douchebaggery, take some anger management and we'll see you in October.

In conclusion, the fairness portion of the NHL disciplinary review committee is clearly run by fairies or the people in charge are lacking the spine to do what is right and necessary. When you have an established precedent, repeat offender, deliberate stomp, goonish behaviour, and ridiculously ugly = 30 game suspsion, then it only holds that if the same situation arises you dole out the same punishment. Or at least explain why so people like me don't post things referring to limp dicks. But then again, I haven't seen Pronger's Blue Steel. So maybe that's it.

** A great deal of flaccidity in this post, my apologies

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Flames vs Caps.

The Flames traverse the mighty North American continent this evening to take care of some 'bidness' with Washington's Capitals (and the rest of the Bad Boys of Punctuation).

The Caps have this one hands down. Our boys in red have failed to defeat Alex the Great and his band of merry men in their last few meetings. Come to think of it, the Flames haven't beat the Caps in like 9 years. Wow. That's awesome.

Anyhow, if you haven't been following the GSN of late, you are not aware of the curse I am currenly suffering/providing/etc. If you are aware then you know what is coming. MG once spoke of the rapture I speak of something else. Something dark and sinister. Something even Chuck Norris fears. I speak of defeat so horrible and wretched that you will want to blind yourself in an effort to spare yourself the utter depravity.

This game will get off to a dubious start with Cujo in net as Kipper has been detained by the department of homeland security. Why? Well, I suppose it's because he threw a puck in the face of a customs officer who copped a feel during the secondary inspection but it's really just a rumor. Godard and Nilson draw in again with the hope of repeating their unlikely offensive outburst against the blues. Good call Keenan. The first will end with a scoreless tie but the Caps will outshoot the Flames by at least 15 shots.

In the second frame, Ovechkin and his sidekick Backstrom will start lighting the lamp with frightening regularity earning their line the nickname 'Metamucil'. David Hale will finally score, too bad it will be an own goal. Note how the names of the CGY stars aren't being mentioned? That's because they ain't doin' nothing on the ice. Keenan will turn around and bench the 1st and 2nd line in favour of Godard and Nilson. The second period will earn the distinction of being the most expensively warmed bench in the history of the NHL. By now the Caps are ahead by a modest 5.

The Third will feature a revitalized Flames team playing with a furious anger and blind intensity. Too bad Dion will be spending most of it in the penalty box while the Flames kill off 3 consecutive minors. Hope is restored when lombo streaks in for a short handed goal but the buzz is killed with Kolzig scores. Juice will take a Regs slapshot to the nuts but in doing so will redirect the puck past a sprawling Kolzig. Nolan, Connie and Iggy will all post goals but no buzzer beaters in this one.

Caps 9 Flames 5*

* the shame of this is killing me.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Flames vs Blues

Ok. I've been respectful of the apparent game-day posting curse. But after hardcore analysis I have concluded the following: it is the Flames fault, not mine.

This very evening a blue St Louis Blues squad rolls into the dome. Despite the playoff dream being snuffed, the Blues tend to bring it. In the Blues favour is Calgary's inability to suit up and and play for the first 20 minutes. Equally useful to the STL crew is Dion Phaneuf, the new crowned prince of riding pine in the sin bin. 7 minor penalties in his last 2 games alone! I would offer that he is sad at the loss of his beloved SUV but for fuck's sake Dion, pull it together.

So, here's the skinny kids:
The Flames will lose this evening to a chorus of full throated boos cast down from the rafters. STL is going to beat them as bad as Keenan wants physically beat them in practice. And you know Iron Mike wants to lay the hurt on these goofs. If I hear one more BS quote from the team about having to play better I will personally drop the gloves at center ice with each and every one of them. Shhhhhh Lanks, less chit chat and more action. Stempy is having a rough season but will make up for it this evening with 9 goals (this is a conservative estimate). Boyes will do ok with 2. In the first period Kipper will face 30 shots and go on strike forcing Cujo to saddle up between the pipes. In the third Cujo will be replaced with a carboard cutout of Worf in the hope its intimidation factor prevents a goal or 3. Note how any comments on the Flames D are strangely absent, much like the ES Flame defense of late. Oh wait, direct all comments regarding Flames ES D to the penalty box where Dion has set up shop. Offensively the Flames can rely on the offensive juggernaut that is Craig Conroy, he's like Jeff Cowan people, the most underrated dude since Fitzpatrick. He's good for a cross bar, the side of the net and one goal.

STL 11 Flames 1


*The fine print is as follows. If I predict a rout at the hands of a second rate team the Flames seem to excel and win by a comfortable margin. Ergo, we are testing this theory tonite. The Flames desperately need the points.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Post Game: CGY vs CBJ

It is said that a picture is worth 1000 words. Above* is the best way I can describe last evenings game. The Flames were lucky, kinda like Hugo above. Don't worry, Hugo is fine Snappy was tired of getting poked with a stick. I'll take the win, but the Flames need more fire on Friday.

*I use MS Paint for all my photo editing needs. Thanks for asking.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


I am hopeful the hockey gods miss this post. The Flames are a remarkable 0-4 in my last 4 game day posts where I say something positive. That's frustrating.

The pic to the immediate left is a classic example of Calgary defense. Although, in Calgary's defense, the game against the Ducks was, in a word, filthy. You see, the Ducks have virtually the same lineup as last year heading into the post season and they won the Stanley Cup. So it holds that they are in a good position this year. However, if they could play just a little less thuggy I would be happy. Calgary needs to stay calm, hit hard, and play their game. Once you march to the tune of the Ducks you're screwed. Just ask the Sens. Of course, when the officiating is that terrible you're in real trouble.

It was nice to see Cujo in net against the Coyotes. It was even nicer to win that game and see Iggy light the lamp. Less impressive was the Juice and Lombo hiting iron on empty nets. Ouch boys. Of course, had I posted anything that day it would have been predicting a coyotes rout of the Flames. It's like a tradition here at the GSN now.

Rumors are that Mike Keenan is brandishing the Iron. Dear lord, I hope that doesn't involve viagra or a goalie trade. Of course TSN is back from it's post trade coma and they stopped covering the mighty Mats Sundin for a few seconds to offer the most preposterous BS since the Tanguay trade rumors: a goalie controversy in Calgary? You are KIDDING me? If Cujo starts tonite it might be because Kipper is exhausted and likely has the flu.

So predictions. This could go both ways, I'll be honest. Nash is hot. Iggy is hot. Juice is decidedly not hot. I predict a Flames win but it will be close. 2-1.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Duck Hunt

The Ducks play host to the Flames this evening in what will most assuredly be a spirited tilt. To be honest, a prediction in nearly pointless on my part because it never works out. At any rate, the Flames looked rock solid last game against the Avs despite the loss. With more of the same the Flames should be dining on duck a l'orange.

The Ducks are a strong capable team. Much to my damn chagrin because I effing hate everything about them. Getzlaf, Salami, Prongs, Needymyer, big Bert blah blah blah combine to form the mighty Devastator but Giguere is the real worry, he's been hot against the Flames of late.

Help me Iron Mike Keenan-obi, you're our only hope. Which scares the crap out of me however with the consensus being Tangs may join the top line while the juice returns to his rightful place with the 2nd unit our offensive system just got upgraded. As well, Nystrom seems to have drawn back into the fold which will bring some excellent grit and determination. Couple that with Nolan and I think good things will happen.

The Ducks are the team to beat. If we beat them I feel a small sense of excitement. If we don't, I don't think any long term conclusions can be made about either team. The post season is still a few games away. Anything can happen. Like, Selanne can end up locked in someone's basement while Getz's SUV is carjacked. I'm just saying, life in California isn't just sunshine and lollipops. It can be 9mms and thug life.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Vader Fired.

Paddock put out to pasture as slumping Sens suffer silly setback against a beleaguered Boston Bruins. Did you like that alliteration folks? And yes, I would like to buy a vowel.

I can't say Paddock was my favourite coach, his breathing during the post game interview was nothing short of annoying. As to his talent. Well slap me silly and call me Sally, if you can't lead that roster to the Stanley cup finals you may have some issues. Oh wait the entire team wants to kill you.

It was clear that in their last two games the Sens were sending a message to the organization. Be it the smoke resulting from burning Paddock effigies in the parking lot or perhaps the 5-0 loss to the Leafs, I think Brian Murray got the message. Paddock has left the building.

Now I would expect the Sens to go on an absurd tear, winning the next 20 games or something. If they fail to do so I would be very intrigued. I think it would be nice to see the D-corp step up and support the goalies.

He's Looking to Make it in Hollywood.

Yet again the Flames play to their potential but lose due to some bad luck. Or a bad call, take your pick.

Douchebaggery takes many forms and Liles presented us with a fresh taste last evening with his quadruple Salchow leading into a full gainer. If that was tripping then I don't like midnight runs to DQ at market mall. Which I do, ergo concordantly it is only a simple fact that Liles deserves an Oscar and the ref is a muppet. A trip that flagrant, that premeditated would have resulted in blood on the dance floor. There was no blood, just a thunderous applause for a spell binding performance.

Congrats to Regs on his SH goal. Congrats to Dion for having his SUV stolen right before the game. Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, leaving your truck running while you grab a starbucks and being a recognizable hockey player that just signed a 7 million/yr contract is not a recipe for success. I'd have stolen his SUV and I'm a kinda nice guy.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Trade Day Deadline Wrap up

Well, I am glad this is over. Despite having nearly blown my proverbial blog load earlier in the day I have saved up enough to post my gut reaction to the trades of the day.

But first, the allegory of the 'rental player'. Many high profile trades were made today in the hopes of securing, short term, that killer talent that will propel your team into the post season and perhaps beyond. It is a human predisposition, the urge to fortify and strengthen your clan, but since Sutter did nothing we can conclude he is not human. Sadly, the rental player is like Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win. You part with your assets to secure what you know is a reliable tasting cup of coffee and the chance to win a toyota matrix or perhaps a timbit. Sadly, you enjoy the coffee only to lose the contest and be left feeling empty and hollow. Perhaps even used. Just ask Brad Stuart, Mr. Rent-a-defenseman.

High Profile Trades that did not happen:
Olli Jokinen: J Martin likely wanted all that, a bag of chips, a happy ending and a rainbow colored cloud to part with Olli's services. It's a steep price and there is the little fact that the Panthers are on the express elevator to nowhere when it comes to tasting the post season. I would be shocked to see the franchise last another two years as Las Vegas would be a better venue.

Mike Ryder: TSN would have you believe he was the most sought after forward next to Alex Tanguay. Thankfully common sense prevailed.

Alex Tanguay: I have no official comment. To everyone else: I fucking told you so.

Who Won Trade Day 08:
Colorado Avalanche:
Foote, Forsberg, Salei, have been added while Sakic and Stasny return to play. I don't think they need a goal tender. It is safe to say that the Avs rank at SEVERE on the Western conference threat index.

Dallas Stars:
They won the Brad Richards lottery. Brad has been cellar dwelling for the season and boasts a stellar -25 rating. Yeah, he's got mono or something but Jason Blake plays for the Leafs and has cancer is still +1. At any rate, Richards with Turco as the backstop will turn that frown upside down. Much to my chargrin, Mike 'Electric Fish' Ribero is also getting hot. Since the oil aren't gonna be around to soften the Stars up, the Flames better hope they don't face these guys. They rank a HIGH on the Western Conference Threat index.

CrosHossaMalkinator, it's a goal scoring machine sent back in time to obliterate you ALL! I get the feeling that the Pens think they will win the cup. Ironically, I bet it happens because of Bettman.

Prospal will bolster the offensive capabilities of Philly. Uh, they will beat their way through round 1 of the playoffs.

Who Lost:
TO leads the losers with acquiring nothing other than a 2nd and 2 5th round picks. JFJ would have done better. Fletch is losing his touch.

MTL. Man, they picked up no forwards and traded a great goalie. Now they are stuck relying on Price who has no playoff experience.

The Price is wrong . . . bitch!

MTL deals Huet to the Caps. Uh, Price is their starter now? Gainey is no fool I would suspect he's trading for another goal tender. Price is good but dude is young and the playoffs appear to be a certainty for the Habs. Rollie wants out of Edmonton . . .

Stars win the Richards Lottery!

Dammit. The stars picked up Richards. Personally, I think he sucks and he's been stinking it up with a -25 on the year but pair him up with Turco? Crap. I don't envy the Flames facing the new stars.

Campbell's Shark Soup!

Buffalo continues it's proud tradition of hemorrhaging talent as Brian Campbell heads to the Sharks! (Dammit, I don't need the sharks finding the ability to win again this season!)

<----- Nuf Said.

TSN rips off 24

Darren Dreger, Bob Mack and some other wank wish they were as cool as Jack Bauer. Sadly, now that they have convinced the TSN producers to have a split screen intro with the 24 numbers I think the following will take place between 9:00 and 10:00am:

Jack Bauer busts into the studio while screaming for a tactical team. He will then interrogate BobM as to why he thinks Tanguay is still trade bait. Next he will shoot Darren Dreger in the knee for no reason whatsoever. Give the man a secure socket!


TSN has made a deadline acquisition to bolster their lineup heading into the trade deadline coverage. John Ferguson Jr. toiling away in the real world was picked up as a rental for the final coverage push of the season. All kidding aside, JFJ may provide some of the sagest commentary in waning hours of trade day.

UPDATE: While terms of this signing were not released we can confirm that JFJ wanted an endless supply of Tim Horton's coffee and timbits and that steady supply of hair product was also included to ensure his coif maintained that wind-swept look. JFJ moves at one speed people, OVERDRIVE!

Trade Day!

I will be covering TSN's coverage with an appropriate level of sarcasm and surliness.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Lots of Stuff.

The race for Lord Stanley's Chalice is entering it's final stretch once the trade deadline passes. With more drama than an episode of the Hills I have many things to mention. Of course, it's all nonsensical but enjoy you savvy sports reader.

1) Congrats to the Flames on their journey from the NW division outhouse to the penthouse. Now boys, keep it focused, keep it real and get it done on the final stretch here, please? JimmyV is a welcome addition to the lineup. Daz, thank you for reading FiveHoleFanatics, hitthepost, and every other flames blog while disreagarding TSN.

2) Tanguay. You know, I think we should let TSN manage a team for a year, say florida's panthers? It would be AMAZINGLY funny to see the result. I say this only because the so called hockey experts are completely idiotic and not one of their trade concepts has made any sense. Tanguay should and hopefully will stay in Calgary. If he is traded for Michael Ryder I will be a) shocked b) crushed and c) lose all faith in Big D. Sutter. People, read the stats for Ryder, the dude has been stinking it up this year and I suspect he's got a lot of other shit on his mind besides hockey. That's not an asset, it's a liability. Tangs, not having his best year likely due to the keenan line-o-rama, has still been contributing in each and every game. Of late, he's been on a tear.

3) The Oilers.
Wow. Unluckiest team ever. I haven't seen a team with more critical injuries in my lifetime. Will Schremp draw in for a few games now? I really feel for the oil, and I am no oilers fan, I wish all their players a speedy recovery. As well, I hope MacT isn't feeling any heat because as annoying as he is, he provides the best post game press conferences. Lastly, would someone put Moreau on a diet of meat, milk, and vitamins? I swear his bones are made of balsa wood.

4) Mats Sundin and the Leafs in General.
As the trade deadline approaches 'sniffing distance' the Leafs have provided a great deal of fodder for the drama machine. In a nutshell, MLSE has decided to fire-sale everything not nailed down including the soul of the team for the last decade+. Kudos to Mats for wanting (what could be his last game) to keep wearing the blue and white. I take back every comment questioning Sundin's character, that guy should be put on a path to sainthood. Sadly, the MLSE group is trying to destroy any good that can come of the situation. I feel that it's a tragedy unfolding in TO and it will only get uglier in the next 24 hours. For a moment let's be realists, the leafs are fucked for 07-08, period. I don't think a mad scramble at the trade deadline is going to be in anyone's best interest. A careful, considered approach starting today and heading into the off season will let the Leafs sort out a strong, young team for next season. Get some new blood up for the rest of the season try them out in the NHL. Fletch, please, do anything other than trade everything in sight.

Well, that is all I have folks. I apologize for the distinct lack of Flames material here but I am in a quandary with respect to the Cs. If I post nicely, they lose. If I post hate filled rants they win. If I don't post at all, they seem to win. I am negotiating a CBA with the Hockey Gods that will let me continue posting without the ethereal consequences of a Flames round 1 exit from the playoffs.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Flames Acquire Chewbacca

No, not really. But close enough we got another defender! WAY TO GO DARYL!

Now if only we could sign Chewie. I hear he's never been the same after the cold weather at Hoth during the empire strikes back. That shit was cold.

Preditction against Dallas.

Behold the worlds fastest toilet. Or, perhaps the world's fastest shitter. This fine machine is piloted by none other than Mike Keenan as he leads his charges to slaughter this evening in big D.

The win against the Coyotes notwithstanding, I feel personally responsible for shaming them into winning, the Dallas Stars are really fucking hot right now. How hot you might ask? Well, let's say you've been living in a monastery for a year away from women and upon your return to civilization Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Lindsay Lohan are having a naked pillow fight in your room when you walk in. That might be hot. Suffice to say, the Stars should be suffocating under their success of late but annoyingly they seem to be basking in it. Those bastards.

Ok, so what will happen tonite: Turco will be an inhuman puck stopping machine. If there was a performance enhancing drug for goal tenders, Turco is partaking. To say nothing of the Dallas offense. I remember Ribero for his electric fish impersonation, of late he is best remembered as a goal scoring machine sent back in time to score goals and kill Sarah Connor. Also worthy of mention is Hagman. Having scored alot lately too. I don't think the Stars will run a train on Calgary but I sense the number 4 and I figure that is in the goals scored by Dallas category.

The Flames defense received a boost with the exclusion of Eriksson this evening. Already we're 12% more likely to be effective in the defensive end of the rink. Good old Rhett will get caught flat footed at least twice. The Flames will make a game of it with markers from Iggy, Dion and Yelle but come up short in the end against a team that gets my goat but is quite strong down the final stretch.

Full throttle of the bottle tonite kids.