Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Dion Phaneuf: Supermodel

Keep your pants on people because shit just got REAL! Dion has been selected to grace the cover of EA Sports' NHL 09. Hot diggity damn!

Ok, let's cover this in order of hilarity:

1) I have preformed a rigorous regression analysis using the poission distribution. The box for NHL 09 will be the size of a small fridge to accommodate Dion's rather large mellon and equally stylish hair. People he's just that good looking.

2) I linked to the venerable CBC. Wanna bet they sell Ronnie Mac out next?

3) A memorable quote from young Dion:

particularly because of the significant improvements that have been made to the defensive game and the new checking engine.

Ok. For starters anyone want to take any bets he has no fucking clue what a checking engine is? I mean, he's got the broad strokes, he himself is a checking engine but for real people! I bet he's with Elisha Cuthbert because of the improvements to her 'humping engine' but I digress. Lastly, I am familiar with EA sports and I bet you bottom dollar that they improved sweet fuck all in the game other updating the teams and messing up the buttons. (seriously after they moved the spinny-move button I lost all faith in them)

Anyhow, congrats Dion! While you're at EA can you body check every exec you see? Thanks!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I cannot bear to discuss the Flames as yet. The sting of the season is still fresh upon my soul. But I would never pass up an opportunity to rag on the CBC the most mismanaged, incompetently run sports broadcasting network ever. Like in the history of civilization.

Case #1: Refusing to extend Ronnie Mac's contract. This needs no further explanation.
Case #2: Refusing to purchase the fucking theme song to HNIC.

I fail to see how this was even an issue. The most iconic Canadian theme song will not be heard on every saturday of the NHL season henceforth. Instead, TSN will likely play it all the FUCKING time and somehow drive this valued piece of content into the ground rendering it's once beautiful tones into a blaring cacophony of broken dreams.

To the CBC I say this: you are epic failures in your quest to dominate the hockey broadcasting market. In building up a highly successful brand you lost control of the main pillar propping up your brand. For the love of all that is good in the world what the hell are you idiots doing over there? I hope you are in a room full of timmies donuts and coffee strategizing a way out of this quagmire of incompetence. You know the sad fact is, not even Gary Bettman would have made a mistake like this.