Friday, February 29, 2008

Duck Hunt

The Ducks play host to the Flames this evening in what will most assuredly be a spirited tilt. To be honest, a prediction in nearly pointless on my part because it never works out. At any rate, the Flames looked rock solid last game against the Avs despite the loss. With more of the same the Flames should be dining on duck a l'orange.

The Ducks are a strong capable team. Much to my damn chagrin because I effing hate everything about them. Getzlaf, Salami, Prongs, Needymyer, big Bert blah blah blah combine to form the mighty Devastator but Giguere is the real worry, he's been hot against the Flames of late.

Help me Iron Mike Keenan-obi, you're our only hope. Which scares the crap out of me however with the consensus being Tangs may join the top line while the juice returns to his rightful place with the 2nd unit our offensive system just got upgraded. As well, Nystrom seems to have drawn back into the fold which will bring some excellent grit and determination. Couple that with Nolan and I think good things will happen.

The Ducks are the team to beat. If we beat them I feel a small sense of excitement. If we don't, I don't think any long term conclusions can be made about either team. The post season is still a few games away. Anything can happen. Like, Selanne can end up locked in someone's basement while Getz's SUV is carjacked. I'm just saying, life in California isn't just sunshine and lollipops. It can be 9mms and thug life.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Vader Fired.

Paddock put out to pasture as slumping Sens suffer silly setback against a beleaguered Boston Bruins. Did you like that alliteration folks? And yes, I would like to buy a vowel.

I can't say Paddock was my favourite coach, his breathing during the post game interview was nothing short of annoying. As to his talent. Well slap me silly and call me Sally, if you can't lead that roster to the Stanley cup finals you may have some issues. Oh wait the entire team wants to kill you.

It was clear that in their last two games the Sens were sending a message to the organization. Be it the smoke resulting from burning Paddock effigies in the parking lot or perhaps the 5-0 loss to the Leafs, I think Brian Murray got the message. Paddock has left the building.

Now I would expect the Sens to go on an absurd tear, winning the next 20 games or something. If they fail to do so I would be very intrigued. I think it would be nice to see the D-corp step up and support the goalies.

He's Looking to Make it in Hollywood.

Yet again the Flames play to their potential but lose due to some bad luck. Or a bad call, take your pick.

Douchebaggery takes many forms and Liles presented us with a fresh taste last evening with his quadruple Salchow leading into a full gainer. If that was tripping then I don't like midnight runs to DQ at market mall. Which I do, ergo concordantly it is only a simple fact that Liles deserves an Oscar and the ref is a muppet. A trip that flagrant, that premeditated would have resulted in blood on the dance floor. There was no blood, just a thunderous applause for a spell binding performance.

Congrats to Regs on his SH goal. Congrats to Dion for having his SUV stolen right before the game. Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, leaving your truck running while you grab a starbucks and being a recognizable hockey player that just signed a 7 million/yr contract is not a recipe for success. I'd have stolen his SUV and I'm a kinda nice guy.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Trade Day Deadline Wrap up

Well, I am glad this is over. Despite having nearly blown my proverbial blog load earlier in the day I have saved up enough to post my gut reaction to the trades of the day.

But first, the allegory of the 'rental player'. Many high profile trades were made today in the hopes of securing, short term, that killer talent that will propel your team into the post season and perhaps beyond. It is a human predisposition, the urge to fortify and strengthen your clan, but since Sutter did nothing we can conclude he is not human. Sadly, the rental player is like Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win. You part with your assets to secure what you know is a reliable tasting cup of coffee and the chance to win a toyota matrix or perhaps a timbit. Sadly, you enjoy the coffee only to lose the contest and be left feeling empty and hollow. Perhaps even used. Just ask Brad Stuart, Mr. Rent-a-defenseman.

High Profile Trades that did not happen:
Olli Jokinen: J Martin likely wanted all that, a bag of chips, a happy ending and a rainbow colored cloud to part with Olli's services. It's a steep price and there is the little fact that the Panthers are on the express elevator to nowhere when it comes to tasting the post season. I would be shocked to see the franchise last another two years as Las Vegas would be a better venue.

Mike Ryder: TSN would have you believe he was the most sought after forward next to Alex Tanguay. Thankfully common sense prevailed.

Alex Tanguay: I have no official comment. To everyone else: I fucking told you so.

Who Won Trade Day 08:
Colorado Avalanche:
Foote, Forsberg, Salei, have been added while Sakic and Stasny return to play. I don't think they need a goal tender. It is safe to say that the Avs rank at SEVERE on the Western conference threat index.

Dallas Stars:
They won the Brad Richards lottery. Brad has been cellar dwelling for the season and boasts a stellar -25 rating. Yeah, he's got mono or something but Jason Blake plays for the Leafs and has cancer is still +1. At any rate, Richards with Turco as the backstop will turn that frown upside down. Much to my chargrin, Mike 'Electric Fish' Ribero is also getting hot. Since the oil aren't gonna be around to soften the Stars up, the Flames better hope they don't face these guys. They rank a HIGH on the Western Conference Threat index.

CrosHossaMalkinator, it's a goal scoring machine sent back in time to obliterate you ALL! I get the feeling that the Pens think they will win the cup. Ironically, I bet it happens because of Bettman.

Prospal will bolster the offensive capabilities of Philly. Uh, they will beat their way through round 1 of the playoffs.

Who Lost:
TO leads the losers with acquiring nothing other than a 2nd and 2 5th round picks. JFJ would have done better. Fletch is losing his touch.

MTL. Man, they picked up no forwards and traded a great goalie. Now they are stuck relying on Price who has no playoff experience.

The Price is wrong . . . bitch!

MTL deals Huet to the Caps. Uh, Price is their starter now? Gainey is no fool I would suspect he's trading for another goal tender. Price is good but dude is young and the playoffs appear to be a certainty for the Habs. Rollie wants out of Edmonton . . .

Stars win the Richards Lottery!

Dammit. The stars picked up Richards. Personally, I think he sucks and he's been stinking it up with a -25 on the year but pair him up with Turco? Crap. I don't envy the Flames facing the new stars.

Campbell's Shark Soup!

Buffalo continues it's proud tradition of hemorrhaging talent as Brian Campbell heads to the Sharks! (Dammit, I don't need the sharks finding the ability to win again this season!)

<----- Nuf Said.

TSN rips off 24

Darren Dreger, Bob Mack and some other wank wish they were as cool as Jack Bauer. Sadly, now that they have convinced the TSN producers to have a split screen intro with the 24 numbers I think the following will take place between 9:00 and 10:00am:

Jack Bauer busts into the studio while screaming for a tactical team. He will then interrogate BobM as to why he thinks Tanguay is still trade bait. Next he will shoot Darren Dreger in the knee for no reason whatsoever. Give the man a secure socket!


TSN has made a deadline acquisition to bolster their lineup heading into the trade deadline coverage. John Ferguson Jr. toiling away in the real world was picked up as a rental for the final coverage push of the season. All kidding aside, JFJ may provide some of the sagest commentary in waning hours of trade day.

UPDATE: While terms of this signing were not released we can confirm that JFJ wanted an endless supply of Tim Horton's coffee and timbits and that steady supply of hair product was also included to ensure his coif maintained that wind-swept look. JFJ moves at one speed people, OVERDRIVE!

Trade Day!

I will be covering TSN's coverage with an appropriate level of sarcasm and surliness.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Lots of Stuff.

The race for Lord Stanley's Chalice is entering it's final stretch once the trade deadline passes. With more drama than an episode of the Hills I have many things to mention. Of course, it's all nonsensical but enjoy you savvy sports reader.

1) Congrats to the Flames on their journey from the NW division outhouse to the penthouse. Now boys, keep it focused, keep it real and get it done on the final stretch here, please? JimmyV is a welcome addition to the lineup. Daz, thank you for reading FiveHoleFanatics, hitthepost, and every other flames blog while disreagarding TSN.

2) Tanguay. You know, I think we should let TSN manage a team for a year, say florida's panthers? It would be AMAZINGLY funny to see the result. I say this only because the so called hockey experts are completely idiotic and not one of their trade concepts has made any sense. Tanguay should and hopefully will stay in Calgary. If he is traded for Michael Ryder I will be a) shocked b) crushed and c) lose all faith in Big D. Sutter. People, read the stats for Ryder, the dude has been stinking it up this year and I suspect he's got a lot of other shit on his mind besides hockey. That's not an asset, it's a liability. Tangs, not having his best year likely due to the keenan line-o-rama, has still been contributing in each and every game. Of late, he's been on a tear.

3) The Oilers.
Wow. Unluckiest team ever. I haven't seen a team with more critical injuries in my lifetime. Will Schremp draw in for a few games now? I really feel for the oil, and I am no oilers fan, I wish all their players a speedy recovery. As well, I hope MacT isn't feeling any heat because as annoying as he is, he provides the best post game press conferences. Lastly, would someone put Moreau on a diet of meat, milk, and vitamins? I swear his bones are made of balsa wood.

4) Mats Sundin and the Leafs in General.
As the trade deadline approaches 'sniffing distance' the Leafs have provided a great deal of fodder for the drama machine. In a nutshell, MLSE has decided to fire-sale everything not nailed down including the soul of the team for the last decade+. Kudos to Mats for wanting (what could be his last game) to keep wearing the blue and white. I take back every comment questioning Sundin's character, that guy should be put on a path to sainthood. Sadly, the MLSE group is trying to destroy any good that can come of the situation. I feel that it's a tragedy unfolding in TO and it will only get uglier in the next 24 hours. For a moment let's be realists, the leafs are fucked for 07-08, period. I don't think a mad scramble at the trade deadline is going to be in anyone's best interest. A careful, considered approach starting today and heading into the off season will let the Leafs sort out a strong, young team for next season. Get some new blood up for the rest of the season try them out in the NHL. Fletch, please, do anything other than trade everything in sight.

Well, that is all I have folks. I apologize for the distinct lack of Flames material here but I am in a quandary with respect to the Cs. If I post nicely, they lose. If I post hate filled rants they win. If I don't post at all, they seem to win. I am negotiating a CBA with the Hockey Gods that will let me continue posting without the ethereal consequences of a Flames round 1 exit from the playoffs.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Flames Acquire Chewbacca

No, not really. But close enough we got another defender! WAY TO GO DARYL!

Now if only we could sign Chewie. I hear he's never been the same after the cold weather at Hoth during the empire strikes back. That shit was cold.

Preditction against Dallas.

Behold the worlds fastest toilet. Or, perhaps the world's fastest shitter. This fine machine is piloted by none other than Mike Keenan as he leads his charges to slaughter this evening in big D.

The win against the Coyotes notwithstanding, I feel personally responsible for shaming them into winning, the Dallas Stars are really fucking hot right now. How hot you might ask? Well, let's say you've been living in a monastery for a year away from women and upon your return to civilization Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Lindsay Lohan are having a naked pillow fight in your room when you walk in. That might be hot. Suffice to say, the Stars should be suffocating under their success of late but annoyingly they seem to be basking in it. Those bastards.

Ok, so what will happen tonite: Turco will be an inhuman puck stopping machine. If there was a performance enhancing drug for goal tenders, Turco is partaking. To say nothing of the Dallas offense. I remember Ribero for his electric fish impersonation, of late he is best remembered as a goal scoring machine sent back in time to score goals and kill Sarah Connor. Also worthy of mention is Hagman. Having scored alot lately too. I don't think the Stars will run a train on Calgary but I sense the number 4 and I figure that is in the goals scored by Dallas category.

The Flames defense received a boost with the exclusion of Eriksson this evening. Already we're 12% more likely to be effective in the defensive end of the rink. Good old Rhett will get caught flat footed at least twice. The Flames will make a game of it with markers from Iggy, Dion and Yelle but come up short in the end against a team that gets my goat but is quite strong down the final stretch.

Full throttle of the bottle tonite kids.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Game Prediction: Poop.

Tonite the Coyotes will steam roll the Calgary Flames in a spirited affair. The hosts will tally an astounding 15 goals, (Doan will get 3 Natural Hatricks in a row earning the first Triple Triple in NHL history) Hale will earn his first goal, albeit he will score on Kipper who will play relief for the beleaguered Cujo. Final score 'Yotes 15, Flames 2.

The D-pairings should be:
Sarich - Phaneuf
Hale - Eriksson
Regs - Aucoin

But never fear, Keenan will screw it up and as usual we will watch Regs and Sarich tool around in the defensive end of the rink wondering where the nearest fedex guy is so they can bloody mail the puck up to the forwards. Arizona has great outlet malls but the Flames can't seem to string together a solid outlet pass to save their lives. If ever there was an opportunity to see how shit-tastic the CGY defense is, this evening will be the epitome of disaster as Cujo starts between the pipes. Joseph's rebound control is as tight as a 65 year old dude armed with a bottle of Viagra and 3 Playboy playmates thus leading to the CGY defense skating, willy-nilly, in a series of concentric circles while PHX tries to bury the 4th attempt.

Bryzgalov will tally his first NHL goal by golfing in an empty-netter in the last minute of play and Huselius will be re-incarnated as a goon whilst he delivers 4 bonecrushing hits and gets into a honest to goodness fight (though he will lose in epic fashion). Lanks and Dion tally for the men in red but the good news ends there.

Daz will be travelling with the team. In his TSN sponsored quest for a top line center he thinks Arizona will be the place to secure said asset. 200lb centers don't grow on trees so go where there aren't many trees. Geez people, do I have to think of everything myself? The joke is on us though because secretly Daryl and the brothers have been filming a reality TV series: The Simple Life 42: Sutter Up! in a bid to further Bettman's aspirations to break the NHL into the mainstream.

wow, I think I had rage epilepsy.

Monday, February 18, 2008


And I don't mean Lindsay Lohan's greatest album of all time. I am referring to the rumors of my demise. They are greatly exaggerated. That being said watch out for the flu up here in Calgary people. It's a mean one. Like Mr. Grinch.

So. You'd think the drug induced haze in which I have been living would have made the Flames recent foibles tolerable. This is not so. In fact, it makes them almost worse because I can't tell if it was real. Last night was the first evening where I had enough coherence to watch the game. Wow, period 2 had me reaching for the NyQuil and Sudafed. I am Suda-FED-up with this lackluster effort. I believe the rhetorical question of the year is: Does Calgary require the services of another top-4 defender?

Keenan Quotable: "We had a good start in the first period, then we really got undressed in the second". Oh Mikey, that's an understatement.

Maybe Daz can make use of this awesome Nike Coupon. . . .

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Guerilla of the Week: Mr. Sutter aka Daz

Big D signed Dion. Now that Phaneuf is making an honest wage, perhaps he could purchase a fucking suit for the odd press conference. I'm all for rocking out a t-shirt and jeans but damn son, dress up a little. Ok, that is all I want to say about that.

Sutter. Where do we begin? The 5 year plan for the cup, the near miss in 04, the wicked farm team development program . . . if you want to read the book on a solid GM you need to wait for Darryl to write it. Plus, there's his delicate touch with the media.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Guerilla Tactics: Let's make a deal

Well, the blog-o-sphere has been a bit quiet on the trade talk of late. Mainly because we are all resigned to the reality of Sutter's unpredictability. However, I have some things I want to get off my chest regarding this topic:

Things that we think know:
  1. Forsberg is not available.
  2. Jokinen is available.
  3. Vermette and Corvo are available.
  4. Sundin and Kaberle are available.
  5. Prospal is available.
  6. Tanguay is not available.
  7. The great Cujo experiment proved that our D is brutal. We need D.
The Forsberg sweepstakes are in full effect but CGY has been ruled out as a destination. Philly, Ottawa, and (shudder) Vancouver might be realistic landing strips for his services. God help the Flames if Foppa joins Naslund (his BFF). We're so fucked if that happens.

Jokinen would be a welcome addition to the Flames roster thus filling the terrible hole at center TSN thinks we have. Problem, his price will be steep. Florida's needs are too uh . . . needy.

Vermette and Corvo. Well well well. It's not a shock Murray is looking for bodies unless you inhabit the cozy space beneath a rock. With Heatley and Alfie on the sidelines the Sens can't get shit going. Murray needs a forward with a nose for the net. CGY needs a defenseman. I could stomach Juice for Corvo. Vermette would be a nice addition for Lombo as well. This has potential for the Sens and CGY.

Sundin - Kaberle. Even when the Flames were shellacked by Edmonton I was relieved to recall that the Leafs stink even more. Sundin - Kaberle would be awesome additions to the Calgary lineup. To bad we'd end up selling the farm to get them. With Fletcher at the helm, Mats and Kaberle aren't leaving for anything less than heaven and most of hell.

Prospal could be a useful rental heading into the cup. Dude can score. Doesn't really solve the issue of our D being thin.

Ideal Scenario #1: Foppa heads to the Sens. Murray has ~2.7M in space so he could get Forsberg for cash. Let's say for some reason this fails and he needs to clear some cap room. Send Corvo and Vermette to Calgary where Sutter (we also have ~2.7M in room) has to drop some dead weight (Warrener, Preems, etc). Boom. Everyone is happy. Mostly.

Ideal Scenario #2:
Sutter wrangles Prospal out of Tampa for a bag of pucks. Juice for Corvo straight up. Not likely, I know.

Less Ideal Scenario #3: Boyd-Eriksson for Corvo-Vermette. I'd hate to lose Boyd but this might be ok.

Less than ideal scenarios include anything involving a trade with Tangs and/or Lombo. Period.

Post Game: CGY v PHX

Well that was interesting. After getting embarrassed by the Oilers the first 15 seconds of the game against the Coyotes looked ok. Then, things got weird. This Mueller kid had Kipper's number all night. Please note, I am not blaming Kipper but I am considering starting a fund where we could save up and buy the Kipper a damn shutout. Then Iggy and Jovo squared off for round 2 of their somewhat consistent feud. Take notes kids, that's how you brawl. Gloves, lid, then fight.

Segue #1:
I have been getting a bit of flack for my comment on Dion's fighting prowess. Allow me to retort with a fresh dose of perspective. In the Oilers game, I think Moreau bitched out completely and I don't fault Dion in that case. However, it is my general season long comment that Dion needs to drop the gloves once or twice. Dion lays out punishing hit after punishing hit and people will take exception to it and challenge him to a brawl. I think he needs to answer that challenge, tune a few fools, and I suspect that the whole fighting thing will go away. I'm not asking him to be a Goddard, I am asking him to be like Regs. Regs went through this phase, punishing hit, fighting challenge, Regs beats opponent senseless now no one really drops the gloves on Regs. QED

The first period was all kinds of awful for the Flames. The second was odd as well, they certainly had jump and were peppering Bryzgalov with shots but it was like a mini slump, exiting a slump teams will do everything right but not be rewarded for it. Heading into the 3rd, I thought all hope was lost until BigD stepped up. I have been eager for Dion to pull some shit like this all year. That was a great display of leadership and certainly lends weight to the Dion being the real deal and true franchise worthy player. Maybe even a worthy successor to Iggy.

The last 10 seconds were all about redemption. I am extremely happy that Iggy scored but moreover the Flames found that confidence they so desperately need. Dammit, I hate this confidence BS but it really seems to be the case. Confident Flames == contenders.

Points of Note:
1) If last night wasn't adding to the mountain of evidence that Tangs is a vital member of the crew then I don't know what to tell you. Tangs, I love you in a completely non-homoerotic way and your contributions to the team will never be fully appreciated but you kick ass.

2) The Juice. Well, I think we have to be very honest here. Juice has a bag of tricks but anyone who scouts him can prepare to defend against relatively easily. Case point, on the carry in Juice likes to do the tight turnaround just before the hash marks. Unlike most players, he turns away from the boards. This, usually, buys him the time and space to molest the D and get the puck to the net. But wait, all you have to do is have someone at the point stick check him causing the puck to dribble in the neutral zone leading to an odd man rush. I dig the dangle, but the Juice is too easy to corral.

3) The Super Smash Bros D pairing.
Regs and Dion. Wow, that was a fun thing to watch. I know we can't deploy the SSB line all the time but on occasion it's fun to watch. Nice one keenan.

4) Kipper on the Shootout.
Yeah, it's HIS NET bitches. Take note.

5) Doan.
Anger fucking management. Could we over-react a bit more next time?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Battle of Alberta: Advantage Oilers

I have been absent from the Blogosphere. I was hoping to trumpet my return to posting with a loud and raucous festival rivaling Mardi Gras but alas, it is not to be.

The Flames squared off against a lame looking Oilers lineup last evening. The Oilers, now sans Torres, Souray, AND Horcoff, are digging deep to fill the roster. In fact. I am surprised 'The Hockey Jesus' was not suited up. At any rate, many (me included) predicted a Flames bloodbath in which the Oilers would be crushed in a finality so vivid, so epic,
Kevin Quinn and Ray Ferraro would but open their mouths and start singing the song that ends the Earth. (that song is Hit Me One More Time by Britney Spears)

Well, it looks like the week of upsets continues. First Eli Manning, and now the bloody Oilers. Look, I have no interest in defending the Flames, last night was a failure on their part. An Epic Failure. I stopped watching the game, not because I turned it off but because I was blinded by tears of shame. Hats off to the Oilers for what was a riotous win and just another stop on the 'nice try but you're still not making the playoffs' train.

Things worth discussing:

1) Cujo leaving the crease. Jesus H dude, you're forty and one win away from beating Terry Sawchuck's record. There is no need to establish credibility by fighting with Garon. Period. Last evening's shellacking is not your fault.

2) Dion's sorta fight. Memo to Phaneuf: YOU FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN. Drop the glove and fight you pansy. fuck, it's not like you're a pretty boy.

3) MacT. This man is good for a sound bite but sometimes he should think before he speaks:

"It's maybe a strange tactic for a team like Calgary that depends so heavily on (Miikka Kiprusoff) to be targeting the opposition's goaltender," he said. "Those kinds of things have a way of coming back at you."

Uh, MacT no one knows better than the Flames the importance and sanctity of Kipper. Goddard was not instructed to hit Garon, he was being an idiot. Kudos to Garon for his Emmy award winning performance, if Goddard really wanted to run into him; Garon would be bleeding to death in an Edmonton hospital. Slowly. As for this BS about things 'coming back at you' have you ever watched a Flames game you muppet? Kipper is run pretty much every night. Dear MacT: STFU. You got a 7 minute PP out of the deal, and Garon got a shut out wasn't that enough?

4) Sarich. I think he needs anger management classes. He always looks so angry and he kinda tuned Glencross. I like it, but we need him playing and healthy.