Sharks-Flames: Predictionalism

The Flames and the sharks are set to do battle this evening. I am predicting a Flames win, one goal, Glencross scores the winner.

This prediction does not echo my true sentiments. The Sharks embarrassed us the last time we met and we're better for it. But the Sharks have continued full steam ahead. By now they are likely that much better. While the Flames have markedly improved this game becomes a measuring stick.

No matter the outcome it will be all good. If we win, we prove we are improving. If we lose, it will lead to some improvement in the team yet to be identified. Kent or Duncan, or WI will have a better factual prediction for you. I just wanted to photoshop Iggy out for blood.

Alexander Semin, I dub thee FishSlap McNoNuts

Fighting has been thrust into the hot white light of debate in recent days. We'll get to that part of the conversation later.

I do believe it is time to discuss the relevance of one Alexander Semin. With notable quotes disparaging Crosby and the NHL (And in Russia people like beautiful hockey, and not dump and chase) one would assume that these firey words can be backed up. Well sir/miss, you would be sadly mistaken.

Russia's prodigal son is likely being disowned by the motherland as you read this because, well, he fights like a bitch. I mean, he slapped Staal. If Semin did that back in Mother Russia his ass would be demoted to a position that required touching warm shit with his bare hands faster than the speed of light.

In short, Miss Semin aka Fishslap, you can beak off all you want but remember your sissiness will make the highlight reels worldwide.

17-0, you're welcome.

OK, some thoughts from the game against Minnie:

Connie proves again that he's not a line 1 center. I love the guy but he's an anchor on the top line. Most shifts he had with Iggy and Cammy were spent digging out of the defensive zone. Connie has tons to give this team but put him where he can succeed.

Bert-Lanks-Bork (BLB) is fearsome. The wild are not defensive slouches and BLB was molesting them with ease. More on bork, I love his disposition: Shoot first, ask questions later.

Dion: STFU on the ice. He kept yelling for the puck all night and minnie took advantage of it non-stop. Maybe try some code words instead of 'Hey' and 'Up High'. I know he's trying to find some mojo but please demonstrate that you have the capacity to learn despite the cro-magnon appearance.

The win last evening was interesting to a me (as I have not been following my team with the regular zeal). All the scoring came from 'secondary' sources, it was a one goal game, there was a disallowed goal (mossman lightsabered it in from above the crossbar), and there was a heavy reliance on Kipper to shut it down. I will not prognosticate a stanley cup bound team but what I am seeing is an effective team that thrives at all levels, not just from the stars. I would suspect the Flames are still not playing their best hockey but they might be when it counts, the post season.

Two additional notes from the game:

Cal Clutterbuck is the best and worst hockey player name ever. I am sure he was beaten up repeatedly in the minors.

Last evening's reffing was magoo-ish. Case point: After the minnie goal play continued (no one realized it went in) and in that time Gio got a penalty. Once the goal was 'discovered' shouldn't the play afterwards been nulllified? It was time that didn't exist. This and other boondoggles led to the quote of the night:

"Who's reffing this clusterfuck, Cal Clutterbuck?"

He's Back.

Just who is Rene Bourque? And why the hell are there so many u's in his name and absolutely no c's or k's? Due to a misspent youth I always assumed it was bork. So, dear GSN reader, it's been awhile. I'd apologize but I didn't see you bailing me out while I was locked in mortal combat with a band of angry yetis. You're lucky I specialize in hand to hand yeti combat. While I won't dwell the long absence I will say this: we're back baby and shit is about to get real.

Back to RB for a moment. His mission is clear, he's looking for John Connor and was sent back in time by Skynet. I must applaud his strategy, scoring lots of goals for the Calgary Flames is going to smoke John Connor out lickety split. All kidding aside, RB is an offensive machine that shows no mercy. I like it.

This evening the Flames will be sharing some ice time with the Wild. I will be in attendance with my little brother which ensures a decisive victory. The Flames are like 16-0 when I attend with immediate family. The most notable: '04 game 6 in the Flames-Red Wings series.


Prediction:
Flames 17 Wild 0 (wait a second, this isn't the CAN junior team and Kazachstan)
Flames 3 Wild 2

Change you can believe in.

First off, today was an important day for our US readers. Congratulation on a historic election and all the best to your new president. Personally I look forward to less season ending injuries at the hands of 'Joe Sixpack' Sarah Palin as she will not be dropping any pucks at hockey games for awhile.

The Flames certainly believed in some positive change lately as their 6 game tear was a welcome change from the early season start from hell. Enough of the bad, let's talk about the good in the only way the GSN can, sentence fragments.

Curtis Glencross may be the next best thing since sliced bread. A presence in all areas of the rink, a force to be reckoned with, a veritable cornicopia of offense and not to mention ridiculous good looks. This is Glencross' world and we're all just living in it.

Dustin Boyd is another shining star. To think that this fine young man might still be down with the QC Flames makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

(Game Update: PHX is owning us. There are many reasons for this but tonight I will blame the people seated in section 113 row 3 seats 6 and 11. Thanks wankers)

Administrative Note: GF and I apologize for the sparse posting of late. It is due to some madness at work (yes we work at the same undisclosed location and are labouring hard to change the world in our field). We will bust our balls to give you the blogging you deserve but please bear with us.

Hockey Pool Note:
GF had Marty Brodeur and was owning his poolmates with relative ease. With Marty's season ending injury GF is, in a word, fucked. I wish Marty a speedy recovery mainly because I can't wait to see him become the winningest goalie of all time. It's an accolade he truly deserves.

Keep the Peace in the Crease

Ok, I have been in California for the week, missed the last two flames games and have no idea wtf is going on in the NHL. It's hard to remember hockey when you in sunny +30C weather. Whooo.

I would like to take a moment to call out my counter part on the GSN, GaleForce. Call me Rob Tortorella for a moment here, but we need some goddamn posting. Thus ends the calling out.

Actually, GF had an interesting question for me today: Should Sundin be acquired in a current hockey pool? That's a tough one. If Sundin laces them up he will be a force to be sure. But will he? I have to be honest, I grow weary of the older dudes, shit or get off the pot! The answer, no don't take Sundin.

Since I am stuck watching the Caps and Phx this evening I would like to comment on the commentating. It's all color and the occasional play call. It's weird how the US market tries to brand hockey. In Nascar the commentating is all color and banter until there is a wreck. That doesn't work so well with hockey but perhaps I'm just a stickler.

Ottawa has returned to goalie controversy. It's about damn time. Gerbs is a nice enough guy but he's good for about two softies an night. Auld might do better.

Ok, YYC (aka Calgary). They are currently leading the preds. HOLD ON GUYS!

Battle of Alberta Preview

This is a short one:

Flames win.

Look for Alice Hemsky get into a fight with Iggy who knocks out several of his teefs.
The kid line scores a goal increasing the debate surround the sophomore curse.
Garon is benched in favor of Rollie (who will get lit up and chased from the net by the third).

Flames 8 Oilers 3

Season Opener.

Wow. That effing sucked.

The Flames are trying to be more of a puck possession team.
An admirable strategy, if you can pull it off. Period 1 it looked like they were but in reality the 'Nucks were just finding their feet. Things turned south with Connie-Boyd had the stinky turn over with the Sedins on the ice. That's a no-no and turned into a goal against.

Kipper
Ok, I don't believe it's time to panic. It is time to talk to the forwards about their defensive roles. As well, I would like to see the defensive core not over commit down low. Too many times last night a blue jersey was left wide open and was able to pounce on a juicy rebound. My notes point out that Kipper stopped all the initial shots (not sure I was totally accurate on that) but was murdered on secondary attempts. Rebound control and the D-team covering where rebounds go would help.

Keenan Blender
The Keenan random line generator is hard to stomach at times. It seems that no line can generate chemistry because they only play a shift or two together. I can't say I love this strategy and I can't say I hate it. We also can't say it works.

UNDustified

Dustin Boyd had one helluva preseason as the top performer. With linemates Moss and GlenX they were terrorizing the competition every night.

So as the roster has been pruned, tuned and tweaked, it would only make sense that Boyd has been sent to the QC Flames. Yeah, you read that right, the Flames management sent him to the minors.

Wow. That's all I can say. Dustin, I am terribly sad to see you go when tools like Prust and Nystrom get to play. This is nothing outside of shameful. Now, it's not a cap issue and it's not a one-way deal issue. Well, mostly not a one way issue. You see, they can fire Nystrom and Prust down to the minors but they still have to pay them the NHL money whereas Boyd can get shafted down to the minors and get paid 30k. I'm sure Kent and WI will cover it more thoroughly.

It's a shame to see such a bad mangerial decision especially when your organization relies so heavily on internally bred talent. You cannot do things like this, even Kevin Lowe knows that.

In other news Rhettsky was put on IR. Because that makes a great deal of sense.

Prediction Season

ESPN, the most amazing sports team in the galaxy, took some time away from Monday night football to partake in the preseason prognostication party. Apart from the asinine alliteration, I would like to highlight the humor value of the ESPN team in addition to the few pearls of wisdom.

Firstly, ESPN thinks Dion Phaneuf is looking pretty good for the Norris. I say HA! As if. Everyone knows Sidney Crosby is going to win it with his commanding presence in both ends of the rink. Clearly I am kidding, but while we're at it, you know who is missing from this list? Hal Gill aka the USS Hal Gill. Check out www.thepensblog.com if you don't believe me.

Scott Burnside and Linda Cohn seemed to have some reasonable picks but then I saw Tampa Bay in there. WTF people. Stamkos can't save hockey in Florida and Melrose can take his coif and blue steel impression all the way back to ESPN's broadcast booth. TBay needs to ship it's roster up north for some harden-the-fuck-up training if the games in Sweden were any indication. Rookie of the year and most ridiculously good looking coach is all they have in the pipeline. At least Scott and Linda got one thing right, Trogdor is going to win the cup. BURNINATION!

Notably, you'll notice (sic) that Kipper is missing from the Vezina picks. I have to agree on this and yet deep down hope that I am dreadfully wrong. Kipper looked brutal in the preseason and typically has a terrible start. Thing is, at $8M this season he needs to have a great start and perform like Kipper from 04 or the trade deadline might have a painful boot to the arse of the unflapable Finn.

Also on my gripe list is this notion that the Dallas Stars are somehow going to win the Cup. Look, this is the NHL not the academy of motion picture arts and sciences. There are no lifetime achievement awards and the only way to foist Lord Stanley's Chalice is to drag yourself through hell. The stars have proven, repeatedly, they can't handle the big dance.

But the internet is a vast and magical place. If you look hard enough you can find something or someone that tells you what you want to hear. PuckPassion is that place if you're a Flames fan. I'm a bit choked because the Predict-o-tron 2000 was used without our permission but I like the result.

Guerrilla Campaign of the Week: Operation Eriksson

People, the time has come to mobilize against the forces that employ Anders Eriksson and allow him ANY FUCKING ICETIME WHATSOEVER. The usual suspects have excellent game coverage and there are some glimmers of awesome in the roster. On the flipside, a fair amount of commentary revolves around Anders and his horrific defensive zone turn overs, his appalling offensive zone turnovers, and his lack of puck awareness. Apparently the only places Eriksson excels are sitting on the bench, warming the penalty box, and the neutral zone. Regarding the game of hockey in the NHL he's hitting the epic failure button pretty hard and frequently. Please don't dress him for the rest of the season and no one will get hurt.

File this under WTF

The new NHL season has barely started and my hatred campaign regarding Gary Bettman has picked up serious speed. The NHL, looking to open the 08-09 season with some punch, has hired the greatest arena band EVER to perform in Detroit; Def Leppard. Well, if the NHL was hoping to attract new fans I guess mullet sporting, camaro driving, high top wearing 80s throwbacks is a great target demographic. However, everyone knows the greatest arena rock band is The Darkness. You go Gary, you're in touch with reality.

Perhaps the leaf nation will have something to celebrate this year after all. They handed Buffalo a can of whup ass in a preseason tilt. 7-4 was the final tally.

In a bit of Flames news, Kipper showed up with his best fitness ever but has been laid low with the flu. Never a good way to start the season. Hopefully it's not the flu going around my office, it's pretty nasty.

In a bit more Flames News, Iron Mike was quoted as saying, "There are no Kyle Wellwoods on this team." Damn straight.

Kyle Wellwood and the Canucks

With the firing of Nonuts, the Canucks off season strategy became readily apparent, pick up all the chaff and offal from the Toronto Maple Leafs. With the Sundin deal falling through the Nucks were placing a great deal of hope in a questionable 2nd line forward, Kyle Wellwood.

Welly is a nice enough kid but he's never crossed my radar as a second line offensive threat. At any rate, Kyle pulled into training camp and has failed to meet the conditioning expectations of Coach Alex. By failing to meet the standards, I mean dude rolled in kinda fat, taChunk styles.

Granted Kyle broke his foot in the early offseason but damn, show some discipline! If Britney Spears can lay off the cheetos, Kyle Wellwood certainly can. It's cool though, the Sedins have offered to follow him around and make sure he doesn't eat everything in site while watching TV on the couch.

As for the 'Nucks, this bodes well for their extended season plans. It looks like another long season of riding 'Bongo into the ground. Maybe the Flames will be able to beat them handily this season.

Minor Technical Issues

Hey Loyal GSN readers. You may have noticed our swank URL redirect is . . . BROKEN. I am working diligently with various levels of tech support to resolve this most alarming issue. Let's be honest typing guerrilla with any regularity is on the monumental side of annoying.

In other news: Dave and Leanne, WI, and people other than me have been checking out the early season training camps. By the sounds of it we might have some talent. This season will be very telling, Sutter is a genius or a fool.

In other news, we have to give a Guerrilla Fist Pound to Kent at 5holeFanatics for returning the GSN to his blogroll and his seeming rise to the mainstream of sports blogging. That or the Flames have enlisted him as their statstician and prognositicator.

Hiatus Explained

It was a busy summer and hockey was never far from our minds. Unfortunately our posting schedule went out the window and we apologize. A little bit. After getting culled from Kent's blogroll over at fiveholefanatics we realized we better get back to work. Bear with us, we're re-designing the blog and adjusting our theme. Don't worry, we're surly and anxious for some icy rubber and plexiglass. Crappy grammar, expletives and outrageous claims are all we promise. We hope you're entertained.

Ask GSN: How do I dominate my hockey pool?

It's that time of year again - bidness time! And by bidness, I mean dominating your opponents in hockey pools and winning large piles of "cizzy". In fact, we received a letter asking us exactly that:

Dear GSN,

I love reading you guys and I think you're hockey gurus, can you teach me how to dominate my hockey pool?

Yes. Here are some guidelines to dominate your way to victory.

1. Join a pool with of blowhards who brag a lot and are basically lazy. The louder, more obnoxious they are, the less likely they are to know anything about hockey. Watch the quiet ones! Also, fear newbies. Newbies often win, even when they don't know anything. I dominated my pool the first year a joined a bunch of guys who were talking it up.
   
2. Don't take pity on the nice people who respect your genius. The urge is strong to help those who aren't shooting their mouth off at a hockey pool draft. This includes people like your less-hockey-knowledgable significant other. Don't give these people tips - they will end up beating you. Don't take pity on people who are unprepared at a draft! Your second choice for rookie of the year will end up being the guy that wins while your pick is an epic failure.
3. BE PREPARED. Seriously, 95% of people are lazy. Including hockey fans. If you are prepared beforehand, you can own these people. Most hockey pool online sites like Yahoo Fantasy Hockey and Officepools.com have tools that you can use to rank players from last year according to the scoring rules for your pool this year. Make use of these lists. People often don't know about them! And for heaven's sake, don't tell anyone. (I'm fundamentally breaking this rule by posting, but I am desperate for your admiration.)
4. Look for guys that were (abnormally) injured last year. These are never on anybody's lists and can make a killing if they are generally a reliable, healthy performer. I made a killing by taking Brendan Morrow as my enforcer last year when he had a bad injury this year before. This year, look at a guy like Horcoff. (uck. stupid oilers). That said...
5. Don't pick really injury-prone guys. Especially if your pool doesn't have trades/free agents. I'm talking about guys like Forsberg and Havlat. You are asking for it by picking these guys. It's rarely worth the risk, even late in the draft. Slow and steady wins the pool.
6. Pick up key goalies and defencemen early in the draft. While everyone else is going to be freaking out about Crosby, Ovechkin, Thornton, Iginla, etc. the fact is that there are a lot of forwards in the league. If you have a relatively small number of people/not too many picks, there will always be good forwards available. The same cannot be said for blue chip defencemen (Lidstrom, Chara, Phaneuf) and goalies (Brodeur, Luongo, Nabokov). Once you get past the very small A-list on defence and goal, there is a steep drop off. Not so much for forwards. This hold true in pools with and without trades - with trades, you can always pickup some hot forward that nobody expected to be this good (Mike Richards, Patrick Kane, etc).
   
7. In a pool with trades/free agents, you can win by sheer brute force. Read the hockey news websites (cough*GSN*cough), pick up guys that are hot. Even pick up guys from teams that play more than other teams in a given week if your pool allows for that. It may be worth having a couple of spots on your rosters dedicated to churning the hottest player through there. However if you fall upon a guy that's really lightning it up and it's not just a streak, hold on! This is what happened to me with Kane last year. Free agents are more valuable than trades - people rarely want to trade with you unless it's a huge blockbuster that actually benefits/harms both parties equally.

OK, with these 7 tips, you should be on your way to fame and fortune. Send us a cut of your earnings via PayPal. Good luck!

Dion Phaneuf: Supermodel

Keep your pants on people because shit just got REAL! Dion has been selected to grace the cover of EA Sports' NHL 09. Hot diggity damn!

Ok, let's cover this in order of hilarity:

1) I have preformed a rigorous regression analysis using the poission distribution. The box for NHL 09 will be the size of a small fridge to accommodate Dion's rather large mellon and equally stylish hair. People he's just that good looking.

2) I linked to the venerable CBC. Wanna bet they sell Ronnie Mac out next?

3) A memorable quote from young Dion:

particularly because of the significant improvements that have been made to the defensive game and the new checking engine.

Ok. For starters anyone want to take any bets he has no fucking clue what a checking engine is? I mean, he's got the broad strokes, he himself is a checking engine but for real people! I bet he's with Elisha Cuthbert because of the improvements to her 'humping engine' but I digress. Lastly, I am familiar with EA sports and I bet you bottom dollar that they improved sweet fuck all in the game other updating the teams and messing up the buttons. (seriously after they moved the spinny-move button I lost all faith in them)

Anyhow, congrats Dion! While you're at EA can you body check every exec you see? Thanks!

CBC: Epic FAIL

I cannot bear to discuss the Flames as yet. The sting of the season is still fresh upon my soul. But I would never pass up an opportunity to rag on the CBC the most mismanaged, incompetently run sports broadcasting network ever. Like in the history of civilization.



Case #1: Refusing to extend Ronnie Mac's contract. This needs no further explanation.
Case #2: Refusing to purchase the fucking theme song to HNIC.

I fail to see how this was even an issue. The most iconic Canadian theme song will not be heard on every saturday of the NHL season henceforth. Instead, TSN will likely play it all the FUCKING time and somehow drive this valued piece of content into the ground rendering it's once beautiful tones into a blaring cacophony of broken dreams.

To the CBC I say this: you are epic failures in your quest to dominate the hockey broadcasting market. In building up a highly successful brand you lost control of the main pillar propping up your brand. For the love of all that is good in the world what the hell are you idiots doing over there? I hope you are in a room full of timmies donuts and coffee strategizing a way out of this quagmire of incompetence. You know the sad fact is, not even Gary Bettman would have made a mistake like this.

PJ Stock is Loose

I was gonna write a post about PJ Stock and Ronnie brawling for the right to be on hockey night in Canada, but then I just went on living my life.

Right now the only thing worth living for is watching the Flames take on the Sharks for game 7. You all know what is at stake so I will spare you the cliches.

See you in the trenches.

ANAHEIM SPIES SPOTTED AT 'DOME

The Ducks have sent spies up north in the event they end up facing Calgary in their quest for Lord Stanley's Chalice. (Not effin' likely if Dallas has their way)

Like any good fan I post this image with a dire warning to all geeses and ducks. It's APRIL bitches, you are supposed to be in Florida. If you're here it's obvious you're spying.

To the Ducks I suggest the following, worry about the Stars. Turco and the terrors are owning you. Thank heavens. Next to whichever team Avery is on, the Ducks are the second last team I want to see be successful this year.

UPDATE: Apparently one of the geese has been romantically linked with PJ Stock.