Guerrilla Campaign of the Week: Operation Eriksson

People, the time has come to mobilize against the forces that employ Anders Eriksson and allow him ANY FUCKING ICETIME WHATSOEVER. The usual suspects have excellent game coverage and there are some glimmers of awesome in the roster. On the flipside, a fair amount of commentary revolves around Anders and his horrific defensive zone turn overs, his appalling offensive zone turnovers, and his lack of puck awareness. Apparently the only places Eriksson excels are sitting on the bench, warming the penalty box, and the neutral zone. Regarding the game of hockey in the NHL he's hitting the epic failure button pretty hard and frequently. Please don't dress him for the rest of the season and no one will get hurt.

File this under WTF

The new NHL season has barely started and my hatred campaign regarding Gary Bettman has picked up serious speed. The NHL, looking to open the 08-09 season with some punch, has hired the greatest arena band EVER to perform in Detroit; Def Leppard. Well, if the NHL was hoping to attract new fans I guess mullet sporting, camaro driving, high top wearing 80s throwbacks is a great target demographic. However, everyone knows the greatest arena rock band is The Darkness. You go Gary, you're in touch with reality.

Perhaps the leaf nation will have something to celebrate this year after all. They handed Buffalo a can of whup ass in a preseason tilt. 7-4 was the final tally.

In a bit of Flames news, Kipper showed up with his best fitness ever but has been laid low with the flu. Never a good way to start the season. Hopefully it's not the flu going around my office, it's pretty nasty.

In a bit more Flames News, Iron Mike was quoted as saying, "There are no Kyle Wellwoods on this team." Damn straight.

Kyle Wellwood and the Canucks

With the firing of Nonuts, the Canucks off season strategy became readily apparent, pick up all the chaff and offal from the Toronto Maple Leafs. With the Sundin deal falling through the Nucks were placing a great deal of hope in a questionable 2nd line forward, Kyle Wellwood.

Welly is a nice enough kid but he's never crossed my radar as a second line offensive threat. At any rate, Kyle pulled into training camp and has failed to meet the conditioning expectations of Coach Alex. By failing to meet the standards, I mean dude rolled in kinda fat, taChunk styles.

Granted Kyle broke his foot in the early offseason but damn, show some discipline! If Britney Spears can lay off the cheetos, Kyle Wellwood certainly can. It's cool though, the Sedins have offered to follow him around and make sure he doesn't eat everything in site while watching TV on the couch.

As for the 'Nucks, this bodes well for their extended season plans. It looks like another long season of riding 'Bongo into the ground. Maybe the Flames will be able to beat them handily this season.

Minor Technical Issues

Hey Loyal GSN readers. You may have noticed our swank URL redirect is . . . BROKEN. I am working diligently with various levels of tech support to resolve this most alarming issue. Let's be honest typing guerrilla with any regularity is on the monumental side of annoying.

In other news: Dave and Leanne, WI, and people other than me have been checking out the early season training camps. By the sounds of it we might have some talent. This season will be very telling, Sutter is a genius or a fool.

In other news, we have to give a Guerrilla Fist Pound to Kent at 5holeFanatics for returning the GSN to his blogroll and his seeming rise to the mainstream of sports blogging. That or the Flames have enlisted him as their statstician and prognositicator.

Hiatus Explained

It was a busy summer and hockey was never far from our minds. Unfortunately our posting schedule went out the window and we apologize. A little bit. After getting culled from Kent's blogroll over at fiveholefanatics we realized we better get back to work. Bear with us, we're re-designing the blog and adjusting our theme. Don't worry, we're surly and anxious for some icy rubber and plexiglass. Crappy grammar, expletives and outrageous claims are all we promise. We hope you're entertained.

Ask GSN: How do I dominate my hockey pool?

It's that time of year again - bidness time! And by bidness, I mean dominating your opponents in hockey pools and winning large piles of "cizzy". In fact, we received a letter asking us exactly that:

Dear GSN,

I love reading you guys and I think you're hockey gurus, can you teach me how to dominate my hockey pool?

Yes. Here are some guidelines to dominate your way to victory.

1. Join a pool with of blowhards who brag a lot and are basically lazy. The louder, more obnoxious they are, the less likely they are to know anything about hockey. Watch the quiet ones! Also, fear newbies. Newbies often win, even when they don't know anything. I dominated my pool the first year a joined a bunch of guys who were talking it up.
   
2. Don't take pity on the nice people who respect your genius. The urge is strong to help those who aren't shooting their mouth off at a hockey pool draft. This includes people like your less-hockey-knowledgable significant other. Don't give these people tips - they will end up beating you. Don't take pity on people who are unprepared at a draft! Your second choice for rookie of the year will end up being the guy that wins while your pick is an epic failure.
3. BE PREPARED. Seriously, 95% of people are lazy. Including hockey fans. If you are prepared beforehand, you can own these people. Most hockey pool online sites like Yahoo Fantasy Hockey and Officepools.com have tools that you can use to rank players from last year according to the scoring rules for your pool this year. Make use of these lists. People often don't know about them! And for heaven's sake, don't tell anyone. (I'm fundamentally breaking this rule by posting, but I am desperate for your admiration.)
4. Look for guys that were (abnormally) injured last year. These are never on anybody's lists and can make a killing if they are generally a reliable, healthy performer. I made a killing by taking Brendan Morrow as my enforcer last year when he had a bad injury this year before. This year, look at a guy like Horcoff. (uck. stupid oilers). That said...
5. Don't pick really injury-prone guys. Especially if your pool doesn't have trades/free agents. I'm talking about guys like Forsberg and Havlat. You are asking for it by picking these guys. It's rarely worth the risk, even late in the draft. Slow and steady wins the pool.
6. Pick up key goalies and defencemen early in the draft. While everyone else is going to be freaking out about Crosby, Ovechkin, Thornton, Iginla, etc. the fact is that there are a lot of forwards in the league. If you have a relatively small number of people/not too many picks, there will always be good forwards available. The same cannot be said for blue chip defencemen (Lidstrom, Chara, Phaneuf) and goalies (Brodeur, Luongo, Nabokov). Once you get past the very small A-list on defence and goal, there is a steep drop off. Not so much for forwards. This hold true in pools with and without trades - with trades, you can always pickup some hot forward that nobody expected to be this good (Mike Richards, Patrick Kane, etc).
   
7. In a pool with trades/free agents, you can win by sheer brute force. Read the hockey news websites (cough*GSN*cough), pick up guys that are hot. Even pick up guys from teams that play more than other teams in a given week if your pool allows for that. It may be worth having a couple of spots on your rosters dedicated to churning the hottest player through there. However if you fall upon a guy that's really lightning it up and it's not just a streak, hold on! This is what happened to me with Kane last year. Free agents are more valuable than trades - people rarely want to trade with you unless it's a huge blockbuster that actually benefits/harms both parties equally.

OK, with these 7 tips, you should be on your way to fame and fortune. Send us a cut of your earnings via PayPal. Good luck!

Dion Phaneuf: Supermodel

Keep your pants on people because shit just got REAL! Dion has been selected to grace the cover of EA Sports' NHL 09. Hot diggity damn!

Ok, let's cover this in order of hilarity:

1) I have preformed a rigorous regression analysis using the poission distribution. The box for NHL 09 will be the size of a small fridge to accommodate Dion's rather large mellon and equally stylish hair. People he's just that good looking.

2) I linked to the venerable CBC. Wanna bet they sell Ronnie Mac out next?

3) A memorable quote from young Dion:

particularly because of the significant improvements that have been made to the defensive game and the new checking engine.

Ok. For starters anyone want to take any bets he has no fucking clue what a checking engine is? I mean, he's got the broad strokes, he himself is a checking engine but for real people! I bet he's with Elisha Cuthbert because of the improvements to her 'humping engine' but I digress. Lastly, I am familiar with EA sports and I bet you bottom dollar that they improved sweet fuck all in the game other updating the teams and messing up the buttons. (seriously after they moved the spinny-move button I lost all faith in them)

Anyhow, congrats Dion! While you're at EA can you body check every exec you see? Thanks!

CBC: Epic FAIL

I cannot bear to discuss the Flames as yet. The sting of the season is still fresh upon my soul. But I would never pass up an opportunity to rag on the CBC the most mismanaged, incompetently run sports broadcasting network ever. Like in the history of civilization.



Case #1: Refusing to extend Ronnie Mac's contract. This needs no further explanation.
Case #2: Refusing to purchase the fucking theme song to HNIC.

I fail to see how this was even an issue. The most iconic Canadian theme song will not be heard on every saturday of the NHL season henceforth. Instead, TSN will likely play it all the FUCKING time and somehow drive this valued piece of content into the ground rendering it's once beautiful tones into a blaring cacophony of broken dreams.

To the CBC I say this: you are epic failures in your quest to dominate the hockey broadcasting market. In building up a highly successful brand you lost control of the main pillar propping up your brand. For the love of all that is good in the world what the hell are you idiots doing over there? I hope you are in a room full of timmies donuts and coffee strategizing a way out of this quagmire of incompetence. You know the sad fact is, not even Gary Bettman would have made a mistake like this.

PJ Stock is Loose

I was gonna write a post about PJ Stock and Ronnie brawling for the right to be on hockey night in Canada, but then I just went on living my life.

Right now the only thing worth living for is watching the Flames take on the Sharks for game 7. You all know what is at stake so I will spare you the cliches.

See you in the trenches.

ANAHEIM SPIES SPOTTED AT 'DOME

The Ducks have sent spies up north in the event they end up facing Calgary in their quest for Lord Stanley's Chalice. (Not effin' likely if Dallas has their way)

Like any good fan I post this image with a dire warning to all geeses and ducks. It's APRIL bitches, you are supposed to be in Florida. If you're here it's obvious you're spying.

To the Ducks I suggest the following, worry about the Stars. Turco and the terrors are owning you. Thank heavens. Next to whichever team Avery is on, the Ducks are the second last team I want to see be successful this year.

UPDATE: Apparently one of the geese has been romantically linked with PJ Stock.

Game 5: UPDATE

GOOOOOAAAAAAL by IGGY!

Deal with it people, I'm 100 times better looking than PJ Stock.

Game 5: Sup Dog?

Via Trapper:

Hello GSN'ers. I'm just kicking it in my Jersey watching game 5. I have been intently watching the officiating and I have reached this simple conclusion:

I think the NHL officials would be put to better use licking my balls. It's a full time job so I'm accepting applications.

GO FLAMES!

The Church of Sarich. . .

. . . is now in session, Marleau you've been baptized.

The Flames like to do it from behind

At approximately 3.8 minutes into last evening tilt against the sharks I was tempted to turn the TV off in disgust. First, the lousy officiating and perhaps the 3 goals scored by the vile SJ Sharks. I can't recall Kipper ever being chased from the net in this fashion.

Now, I am fully supportive of the Flames desire to be branded underdogs, I get that they play best under a bit of pressure but wow, that was a nail biter.

To be honest, I cannot think of a better game if you are looking for an example of momentum. And the irony? The much maligned Sarich orchestrated the whole damn thing. Rumor on the street: The Church of Sarich is now in session, you don't get baptized with a splash of water, you get crushed into the boards. Look, just ask Marleau he joined up last evening. (BTW, mad props to marleau for getting up and playing like a man possessed for the remainder of the game, can the pundits stop calling him soft now?)

The Flames PP called fedex, and hey they delivered going 2/2. I can't think of a better game for it to click. Cheers Dion, I hope you and Elisha had some wild hero sex last night because I think you kinda deserved it.

In other news, I would like to point out all the contributions from the secondary crew. SJ has been pretty solid at marginalizing the big guns at even strength, but that's cool because we've got Yelle, Nolan, Connie and Sarich. At this rate I bet even Hale gets on the board.

Lastly, the Kipper and Cujo. I think it's fair to say Daz was right all along in acquiring Cujo. Not that Kipper isn't up to the task but it has to be a bit of relief to know that Cujo can backstop the boys if needed. Heading into game 4 is a bit of a tricky proposition, do you start Cujo or Kipper? I can't say but it will be interesting to see what Keenan does.

PS, I know get why Keenan plays the random lines game, because now he can perch comfortably behind the bench knowing that anyone can play with anyone else. Given the way Keenan runs the bench it could be the most genius and intriguing thing I have ever seen.

PPS I wonder if that crazy kipper stat from the 03-04 run holds true, any game where the Kipper let in more than three goals he returned to win, mainly with a shutout.

Game 3: In Game Blogging

Wow. This game is off to an extraordinarily bad start. At first I thought it was the people in the sea or red wearing white (people what color is the sea of red? this is a rhetorical question) but the real concern was the Sharks scoring 3 unanswered goals in like 72 seconds. I am pretty sure MG is completely wasted and WI is wondering if the jersey has to go.

It is just me or does the officiating stink in the playoffs. I am not referring to just the CGY-SJ series. League wide, something of pungent nature is taking place. Has anyone kept tabs on Mick Magoo(sic)?

Sarich deserves a gold star for levelling Marleau, what a hit! And thanks Dion for scoring. We might get back into this one. More next intermission.

CONROY BLOWN CHANCE COUNTER: 3
Seriously now, stop giving him the puck. Nabby is to strong for him.

Ok, so we have 3 minutes left, not going to put this in the win column yet but wow, did the sharks ever prematurely blow the proverbial load. Gotta save something for the rest of the game dudes.

This is not an ad for hair restoration

...But it really could be. I am doing my best to support the Flames but my hair follicles are letting me down.

Guess who isn't letting me down, Stephane Yelle. Ol' Sandbox showed some grit last night and hot damn did Iggy and Kipper put on a clinic. I have been reserved about the Flames chances here in the post season but last evening was reminiscent of a few years back.

A Quick Spin around the Playoffs:
How the mighty have fallen. The Sens will be lucky if the Commish doesn't enact a mercy rule by game three and allow Roberts and Co a bye into the SC final. It's a bad day at the office when a 50 year old dude owns your entire team. And would someone remind volchenkov that you shouldn't block pucks with your face?

The Avs and Wild, I honestly don't really care. The wild are the most boring team in the NHL.

Poor Boston. MTL has their number.

Avery cannot make the next round. Period.

Flames and Sharks tonight:
Flames win, another one goal nail biter.

Is it 2004?

SANDBOX IS BACK!

I have decided to get a mohawk in honor of the Flames. Now I don't want to get excited but the mighty sharks don't seem so mighty . . . (fingers crossed)

More later gang, I am swamped at work.

**UPDATE:
So, I wanted the frohawk but it's not really possible. Depsite my receding hairline I got the mo-fauxhawk done. Ironically, it's more of a whoa-hawk. Pics soon . . .

Gone Baby Gone

Was going to go with the picture of Linden and Iginla shaking hands, but quickly realized that meant I would be voluntarily placing a Jarome Iginla on my post. It's a real shame Dustin Boyd wasn't there too ruin his second shot at #50. So hello Joel Otto, it's been a while. How's the good life treating you?

Goodbye Trevor Linden. Way to go Canucks for making sure he went out in style. At least we didn't totally tank the game and lose like 8-1 or something. Although if we left Bobby Lou in there I think Calgary could've scored 10. With the season he's been having they shouldn't have even started him last night. Anyways much like Stan Smyl, Tony Tanti and Kirk McLean before you, its off to the glue factory Canucks old-timers games. Here's hoping they let you wear the 'C'.

No Winny in Minny

Ok, it was a busy evening in the NHL. There are a few things I would like to cover.

1) Wild vs Calgary:
The officiating in the NHL has taken a turn for the worse heading into the post season. There exists a historical precedent regarding end of season reffing but this is ludicrous. Vandemeer gets his stick slashed into pieces and goes off for 2? Burns punches Dion and doesn't get an instigator? Wow. And let's not forget paint drying has a higher entertainment value than the Wild playing with a lead. Admiral Ackbar said it best: "It's a TRAP we can't repel officiating of that magnitude!"

2) Flames have limped into the post season.
Again, we have to thank the Oilers for both playing like animals and knocking out the Canucks allowing us to secure a playoff berth. Next season we cannot expect the same nicety from the Oil as they will be marching into the post season all by their onesy selves, savvy? Now, one predicament the Flames need to avoid is losing to the canucks on Saturday thereby ensuring a round 1 meeting with the SJ Sharks. In that highly likely scenario the round 1 winner is going rhyme with 'Fran Hosie Parks' and not 'the Frames'. Of course, I don't want to put any pressure on Calgary here but please so us all a favour and FUCKING WIN on Saturday.

3) OTT vs Leaves.
Wow, people rag on Dion for being a punk, and he is a wee bit punkish on the ice, but how about Bell and Tucker? They are out and out douchebags. If you fail to make the playoffs there is no better way to build a reputation of douchebaggery than running over the oppositions star captain or threatening to take out another opposition star players knee. While you're in the penalty box. On national fucking television. Bell? Well he's making lots of friends.

4) Chris Chelios
Chelios is a muppet.

This could be it for Markus and Trevor

And it may all end with a whimper. It's quite likely that Saturday's game with the Flamers will be the last game in a Canuck's jersey for Naslund or Linden (or both). Linden simply shouldn't be around next year. He's one of my all-time favourite Canucks but keeping him around for six goals a year just isn't going to cut it on a team that has such difficulties scoring. And for a team with such great scoring issues Naslund's decline has been particularly troublesome. Look at his point totals for his last five NHL seasons - 104, 84, 79, 60 and 55 with one game left this season. He's a free agent this summer and perhaps the Canucks ought to consider what else they could get for 6 mil a season.