GuerrillaSportsNetwork

Tweeting our Balls Off

2009-10-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Alright, our twitter is up. We'll be on pace to tweet more often than Kerry Fraser makes the right call.

http://twitter.com/gsportsnetwork

Moving.

2009-09-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

Well, the gsn is moving to twitter exclusively. Frankly, with all the high quality hockey blogs out there, we need to find a new niche. Given that I'm prone to emotional outbursts over quality analysis, twitter seems like just what the doctor ordered.

Sincerely,

The Management.

Game 5: A collection of Epic One sentence Summations.

2009-04-26T10:34:00.000-07:00

The shit really hit the fan and stunk up the whole room.

A collective train-wreck.

A veritable shipwreck.

etc.

That game sucked on so many levels I can't begin to discuss it. Maybe next year.

Playoffs Update.

2009-04-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks, this is going to be a textual message and not a photoshop extravabonanza.

Heading into the playoffs I had buried my optimism about the Flames in a shallow grave in the backyard. Games 1 and 2 did nothing to make me want to exhume said optimism. Losing compelling leads is not something any team can be proud of and neither can a fan.

On an expensive whim, GF and I decided to drag our balls out of the work related vice and head to game 3 in the dome. I have to really give it up to the fans. Calgary has some of the best and most passionate fans (I am sure EDM is not far behind or even a tie). We don't boo the US anthem (we cheer it madly and add some emphasis to a few key words), so eat a bag of dicks MTL fans. We sing our anthem loud and proud. Best of all, an early goal by the hawks didn't even dampen our enthusiasm the damn place was still loud as ever.

GF and I were not sitting together but the text message exchanges were notable (some paraphrasing):

Regarding Bert's obsession with the back hand:
the stick has two sides bert

On the double backhand pass play:
the double back'ander! mossman a goal! It's a prophecy bitches!
LOL. mooooooooose cock!

Needless to say, a game without any discernable rhythym that lead to a win was worth being at. I have extened my playoff game appearance win streak to 5. That's 5-0 people. You want a win, get me tickets, that's all I can say.

GM Burke is Web 2.0 Enabled.

2009-03-25T13:11:00.001-07:00

http://twitter.com/brianburke

Wait a fucking minute.

2009-03-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to give props to WI over at hitthepost.ca for this inspiration. Dion Phaneuf was quoted as saying:

“They’ve got a lot of skill up front. A lot of speed coming out of the corners. They threw pucks to the net all night. When you throw pucks to the net, it’s difficult to defend, and they came out on top.”

-dion phaneuf in the flames insider (calgary herald)

You must be kidding me. Skill and the Leafs are mutually exclusive. Kinda like how defensive capability and Dion Phaneuf have failed to co-exist all fucking year.

Literally Seriously serious.

2009-03-12T20:11:00.001-07:00

Olli isn't joking around people. Best get serious now.

Win in the Joe against the Wings? CHECK

Obviously

2009-03-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Well, we're not dead, just deadbeats. I'd apologize but that would take away from the substance and grit of the topics that must be discussed. Ponder for a second, if you will, the gravity of this evening's match up. The Devils and the Flames. By name alone this meeting is a match made in the antithesis of heaven which complicates the pressing need for a surface made of frozen water. Bloggers, MSM, and pundits alike should rejoice in the metaphysical feast of information, assumptions, speculation and opinions available with this clash of the titans. It should surpass the recent news from MTL.

Clearly, not posting has been good for my wordsmithery, but before I blow the proverbial load let's get to the business of hockey, the Fames, and their current swing through the east.

Firstly, the last two events have been marred with results in the wrong column after the splashy debut of Ollie and J-Leo. Numerous things spring to mind: Flames don't play afternoon games well, McHeinously is a poor unlucky bastard, Leo forgot which team he was on, everyone is injured, blah blah blah. Envision in your mind a hand-drawn map depicting the current route taken on this road trip (of course this map is tolkien-esque in nature) then the last three games have been in the comforting embrace elvish creatures and things that are decidedly soothing. They should have resulted in wins even if the Flames were replaced by Tim Hortons Timbits. Yet we have lost. The next leg our hardy heroes face takes them through a land easily marked: here be dragons.

I know other top contenders are flopping but it would be nice to capitalize on the 'sand in the gills' the sharks are suffering, or the total economic collapse of Detroit and get a few points closer to these perennial overachievers.

This evening is a challenge for the Flames, one I expect them to win. It will be worth the $15 bucks I am going to shell out for PPV. I am sure they are going to win based on some cold hard math:

Mike Keenan has 665 wins. A win in NJ would put him at 666. Coincidentally, I think that number is important to Devils in general. If only they'd picked Satan up on waivers we'd have a trifecta.

That is all.

What do we call the Flames new #1 line?

2009-03-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

My suggestion:

Canadian - Finn - Canadian. The CFC line. They are dangerous in the O-zone!

We are bringing home the cup!!

We are not dead. . . . BUT

2009-03-04T13:29:00.001-08:00

This trade deadline is coming close to killing us! More. Soon

Oilers brass can't take a joke

2009-01-31T10:42:00.000-08:00

I guess K-Lown and crew are still pretty sensitive about the "debacle of epic proportions". Fan960 put out this joke song and Oilers brass got upset because it uses copyrighted material! Horror of horrors!

They were so butt sore that they whined to Daddy, er.. the NHL who asked Fan960 to take it down. Hey Oilers, if you spent half as much time trying to improve your team as you do whining, you might not be fighting for your playoff lives. Petty.

Warning: Blackouts Expected!

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

ATCO Electric, EPCOR Inc, and ENMAX Power Corp. are warning customers of the rotating winter power blackouts that are expected to occur on:

Friday, Jan 30th, 2009
Sunday, Feb 1st, 2009
Tuesday, Feb 3rd, 2009
Wednesday, Feb 11th, 2009
Saturday, Feb 14th, 2009
Monday, Feb 16th, 2009
Saturday, Feb 21st, 2009
Tuesday, Feb 24th, 2009
Thursday Feb 26th, 2009
Saturday, Feb 28th, 2009

This is a province wide alert.

The lack of power seems to consistently occur just after 8 pm on Saturday or 7 pm weekdays and is attributed to the excessive power required to run the goal judge light behind the Oilers' net.

Sincerely,

Alberta Ministry of Service

Well Steve, thanks...

2009-01-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

... but that was a little close for comfort. I'm not really used to the 4 or more goals against that you are giving up lately.

I won my SV% category for the week, .884 to .883. Not exactly lofty numbers. Mine was technically .8839 but it rounded up. I did the math Steve. If the Flames had one less shot last night, I would have tied. 2 less shots and I would have lost. So, I'm grateful for overtime. Of course, if you had let in a couple less goals, it would have been a blowout. You started off so well... Flames had about 21 shots after 1 period and only 1 goal. After that, we got less shots but more goals. That Squid goal, short side... hmmmm. A little iffy.

Nonetheless, it was a pretty ridiculously entertaining game. What with the huge Pardy Crasher hit, the fights, the game misconducts, the cross checks to the head, the throat slash gesture. Just think, the Flames could actually get 3 suspensions out of that game!

And the shootout! In a shootout duel between you and Kipper, I would put my money on you every time. But how about those poke checks? And how about the backhand ROOF DADDY! Sorry, I hate that term, something just came over me.

So, I guess all's well that ends well. I win the pool matchups, Flames win the game, fans win in entertainment, you guys gain a point on Vancouver. Win-win-win-win. Have a good rest over the break, and I hope you start holding teams to under 2 GA when you get back.

Love,

Gale Force

Dear Steve Mason,

2009-01-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

I love you with my whole body, including my pee pee. Thanks for winning gold for Canada last year. You are the reason that I am in first place out of 12 in my pool, despite using my top pick on Martin Brodeur. Dropping Tomas Vokoun and picking you up was the best move I ever made. Your stats are out of this world. First in GAA, first in shutouts, and third in Save % (you were even first there a few days ago). And all this with only having played 29 games. As a 20 year old... goalie! That's pretty sick. When Marty comes back, I will be unstoppable come pool playoff time. For a month now, I've even been predicting that the BJs are going to make the playoffs, solely because of you.

I'm sorry for any times I've doubted you. When San Jose came to Ohio, I didn't play you, expecting the Sharks to light you up. But then you won, in OT! You'll be reassured to know that I'll play you against anyone now, with confidence.

I am a little frustrated with you lately though. 5 goals against vs Vancouver? Come on Steve, Canucks suck. I'm glad you guys pulled out the win in the SO, but seriously, you should have shut them out. It was last night against the Oilers that really hurt. A lead in the third period with under 5 minutes to go? And you guys lose in regulation? Man alive. It's the freaking Oilers. Ales Hemsky legally qualifies as a ballerina dancer. I understand that your defence sucks, and we here at the GSN are all too familiar with how Juice doesn't play defence whatsoever.

Maybe it's because you are "hurt". Seems a little odd to be playing in back-to-backs if you're hurt, no? Well, I like to think you are sticking your nose up at the NHL. It's total BS that you were only named to the Young Stars game. In my world, you should be starting for the West. JS Giguere? 12 wins, 0.905 SV%, 3.04 GAA, 2 shutout JS Giguere? That's a freaking joke and we both know it. So, good on you. Screw the all star game.

I have a small favour to ask. You see, tonight I'll be attending my 5th consecutive Flames home game. But I'm having a mixed week in my pool, thanks to your Canucks and Oilers debacles. I've also been pumping your stock for weeks now to my girlfriend. So I want you to have a decent game, and show her how awesome you are, BUT I want you to lose. Flames really can't lose 3 in a row to teams like PHX, COL and CBJ. That's would be rough. So if you guys could lose something like 2-1, with maybe a 45 save performance, that would be ideal. While I'm tied in wins in the pool this week, I'm counting on Mike Smith to come through for me tonight. (No, that's not a joke... the Lightning have been on a "roll", relatively speaking).

Does that work for you? I'll keep promoting you endlessly and cheering for you guys to make the playoffs. Just don't beat us tonight.

KTHXBYE Steve!

Gale Force

CBJ: Steve Nash is in Town!

2009-01-21T14:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, before I get roasted, I know that it's Rick Nash that plays for the CBJs and not Steve Nash. However, for awhile I would stay Steve when I meant Rick in the wrong line of conversation with the fans of the other sport. That preceding sentence is grammatically correct which is nearly paradoxial for this site.

That being said, I feel we owe Steve some gratitude and I found a picture of the guy on skates with a hockey stick.

To the game this evening. Surely the Flames will show up with some intent and the goal of avoiding a 3 game slide. Thing is, after last evening so will the CBJs.

What do the Flames have? Well, Bert is back (I never thought I would be happy about that) and Iggy will be looking to make a difference. I suspect Kipper will be a bit sharper so that will help. Regardless, the BlueJackets are not a team to be taken lightly.

Kent over at FHF has a compelling list of reasons to fear the CBJs Nash, Mason, and the Juice being a few. This will be a goaltending brawl, a defensive brawl, and hopefully a game filled with gorgeous plays. WI got her jersey lettered up so that effect on the mojo remains to be seen.

Flames 2 CBJs 1

Too Nervous for Photoshop: Gravitas

2009-01-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

My Mojo is off today. I opened photoshop questing to bring out an image worthy of the epic battle to be pitched in San Jose's Shark Tank. I went to wrestle images but my hand was stayed by the gravity of the situation.

I declare the Flames will win tonight. The battle will be epic, long and perhaps costly. Someone must topple the Sharks from their 'never lost in regulation at home' perch. To anyone who disagrees I say this:

' . . . shut up, don't say another goddamn word. Up until now I have been polite. If you say anything else - one word- I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds it's final destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne I will lash together a machine of blood and bone, and fueled by my hatred for you (and the Sharks) this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. And when I find you and I will sing the song that ends the earth . . . it goes something like this . . . .'*

GO FLAMES GO

Thank you for reading. We will resume our regular level of rancor and crappy photo manipulation when the Flames beat the Sharks.

* thanks to penny-arcade for the text. (I hope you like text)

Robbie Schremp: I don't think MacT likes him

2009-01-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

There is a decided lull in Flames action as they coast through 4 days off. While I am not a fan of the Oilers they do have one secret weapon that cracks the armor of my Oiler hatred: Craig MacTavish.

MacT is ALWAYS good for a sound bite. He also likes to call it like he sees it which, fortunately for me, leads to a huge pot of comedic gold. For example, he recently had to defend his call up of Ryan Poultry (ed: Potulny) which lead to some genius comments:

"It seems everytime we call someone up I have to defend why it wasn't Robbie"

"Rob isn't helping them down there, why does anyone think he'd help us up here?"

"He's Soft"

"He has a number of things to address in his game before his game is good enough for the NHL"

It is clear that MacT is no fan of Schremp. Could it be as simple as a case of penis envy?

Islanders Visit Calgary: UPDATED!

2009-01-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

To ensure victory this evening, the Flames are playing Mikael Backlund. Holy crap that's pants on head crazytalk. Look at those dreamy eyes people he's too pretty to play in the NHL at this point!

So what does this mean for RickD and the Islanders? Well, judging from their league worst performance over the last 15 away games I predict the Flames will burn the island to the ground. Hate to say it, but RickD will be counting down the top 40 worst moments of the 08-09 season in short order.

That being said, anyone who thinks this game is less important than the Sharks game is pants on head retarded (definition). It behooves the Flames to win this game as convincingly as possible if they want the label of 'Elite' team to be branded prominently across their collective asses as opposed to being a mere post-it in the windstorm that is the NHL. NYI could be regarded as a lesser opponent but Elite teams show no mercy and defeat all that stand in their path.

What are you looking at?

2009-01-07T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, Jarkko Ruutu is enjoying his two days off with his new favorite snack, Andrew Peters Bits-n-Bites!

I'm here all week folks . . .

In all honesty, this is the biggest BS ever. If you stick your mitt in someone's face you accept the risk that they will bite it. Seriously now, Mr. Peters you suffer some EPIC FAILure, would you put your hand in the mouth of a grizzly bear? What result were you expecting? Its not like Ruutu doesn't have a reputation.

Anyhow, Andy put on your big girl pants and play some hockey. It's not like you were bleeding or anything.

Elite Blue Balls

2009-01-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

A few things to discuss this morning, Mats and the 'Nucks and the Calgary Flames ascent to 'Elite' Status.

First up: Canucks.
This evening Mats should be in the Vancouver lineup against the Oil as he begins his quest to relieve his Stanley Cup blue balls (as quaintly depicted to the immediate left). Out of all the trophies available even I want to get intimate with Stanley so I understand Mats' needs. Numerous questions dog the Canucks: will Sundin lead them to the most storied chalice in sporting history? Will Lou heal in time to keep the net puck free? Perhaps most important of all, which line will Mats play on?

I have dreams that he's united with the Sedin sisters so I can bust out Ikea references about flat packing the competition and sending them home missing lock nuts. Or spoofing the oh-so-awesome Ikea instruction manuals. Should the swedish mafia be formed, I think they will be efficient. The other option is Welly and Demitra. Despite some conditioning issues Welly is playing well, knows Mats, and Demitra is always a threat. Not as much potential for comedy from a blogging perspective but I'll make do.

Secondly: The Calgary Flames.

Elite status is something I usually associate with airline reward programs or hotel reward programs. I recall the first time I got elite status with Air Canada, I felt I could singlehandedly beat the Detroit Red Wings in a game of shinny. Wait, no I fucking didn't but maybe the Flames win against the Sharks will get them an upgrade on their next flight? Last evening the Flames had a compelling Victory against a strong Sharks team. It was a joy to watch and I can't help but feel that the Flames are really coming together despite the blogosphere's collective criticism. There are always things to nitpick about and yet the Flames are getting points and wins everywhere they can. Perhaps their best is yet to come. For now, I will relish in this victory. Are the Flames Elite? I can't say that for certain but they tuned the Sharks and I loved it.

Sharks-Flames: Predictionalism

2009-01-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

The Flames and the sharks are set to do battle this evening. I am predicting a Flames win, one goal, Glencross scores the winner.

This prediction does not echo my true sentiments. The Sharks embarrassed us the last time we met and we're better for it. But the Sharks have continued full steam ahead. By now they are likely that much better. While the Flames have markedly improved this game becomes a measuring stick.

No matter the outcome it will be all good. If we win, we prove we are improving. If we lose, it will lead to some improvement in the team yet to be identified. Kent or Duncan, or WI will have a better factual prediction for you. I just wanted to photoshop Iggy out for blood.

Alexander Semin, I dub thee FishSlap McNoNuts

2009-01-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

Fighting has been thrust into the hot white light of debate in recent days. We'll get to that part of the conversation later.

I do believe it is time to discuss the relevance of one Alexander Semin. With notable quotes disparaging Crosby and the NHL (And in Russia people like beautiful hockey, and not dump and chase) one would assume that these firey words can be backed up. Well sir/miss, you would be sadly mistaken.

Russia's prodigal son is likely being disowned by the motherland as you read this because, well, he fights like a bitch. I mean, he slapped Staal. If Semin did that back in Mother Russia his ass would be demoted to a position that required touching warm shit with his bare hands faster than the speed of light.

In short, Miss Semin aka Fishslap, you can beak off all you want but remember your sissiness will make the highlight reels worldwide.

17-0, you're welcome.

2008-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

OK, some thoughts from the game against Minnie:

Connie proves again that he's not a line 1 center. I love the guy but he's an anchor on the top line. Most shifts he had with Iggy and Cammy were spent digging out of the defensive zone. Connie has tons to give this team but put him where he can succeed.

Bert-Lanks-Bork (BLB) is fearsome. The wild are not defensive slouches and BLB was molesting them with ease. More on bork, I love his disposition: Shoot first, ask questions later.

Dion: STFU on the ice. He kept yelling for the puck all night and minnie took advantage of it non-stop. Maybe try some code words instead of 'Hey' and 'Up High'. I know he's trying to find some mojo but please demonstrate that you have the capacity to learn despite the cro-magnon appearance.

The win last evening was interesting to a me (as I have not been following my team with the regular zeal). All the scoring came from 'secondary' sources, it was a one goal game, there was a disallowed goal (mossman lightsabered it in from above the crossbar), and there was a heavy reliance on Kipper to shut it down. I will not prognosticate a stanley cup bound team but what I am seeing is an effective team that thrives at all levels, not just from the stars. I would suspect the Flames are still not playing their best hockey but they might be when it counts, the post season.

Two additional notes from the game:

Cal Clutterbuck is the best and worst hockey player name ever. I am sure he was beaten up repeatedly in the minors.

Last evening's reffing was magoo-ish. Case point: After the minnie goal play continued (no one realized it went in) and in that time Gio got a penalty. Once the goal was 'discovered' shouldn't the play afterwards been nulllified? It was time that didn't exist. This and other boondoggles led to the quote of the night:

"Who's reffing this clusterfuck, Cal Clutterbuck?"

He's Back.

2008-12-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

Just who is Rene Bourque? And why the hell are there so many u's in his name and absolutely no c's or k's? Due to a misspent youth I always assumed it was bork. So, dear GSN reader, it's been awhile. I'd apologize but I didn't see you bailing me out while I was locked in mortal combat with a band of angry yetis. You're lucky I specialize in hand to hand yeti combat. While I won't dwell the long absence I will say this: we're back baby and shit is about to get real.

Back to RB for a moment. His mission is clear, he's looking for John Connor and was sent back in time by Skynet. I must applaud his strategy, scoring lots of goals for the Calgary Flames is going to smoke John Connor out lickety split. All kidding aside, RB is an offensive machine that shows no mercy. I like it.

This evening the Flames will be sharing some ice time with the Wild. I will be in attendance with my little brother which ensures a decisive victory. The Flames are like 16-0 when I attend with immediate family. The most notable: '04 game 6 in the Flames-Red Wings series.

Prediction:
Flames 17 Wild 0 (wait a second, this isn't the CAN junior team and Kazachstan)
Flames 3 Wild 2

Change you can believe in.

2008-11-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

First off, today was an important day for our US readers. Congratulation on a historic election and all the best to your new president. Personally I look forward to less season ending injuries at the hands of 'Joe Sixpack' Sarah Palin as she will not be dropping any pucks at hockey games for awhile.

The Flames certainly believed in some positive change lately as their 6 game tear was a welcome change from the early season start from hell. Enough of the bad, let's talk about the good in the only way the GSN can, sentence fragments.

Curtis Glencross may be the next best thing since sliced bread. A presence in all areas of the rink, a force to be reckoned with, a veritable cornicopia of offense and not to mention ridiculous good looks. This is Glencross' world and we're all just living in it.

Dustin Boyd is another shining star. To think that this fine young man might still be down with the QC Flames makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

(Game Update: PHX is owning us. There are many reasons for this but tonight I will blame the people seated in section 113 row 3 seats 6 and 11. Thanks wankers)

Administrative Note: GF and I apologize for the sparse posting of late. It is due to some madness at work (yes we work at the same undisclosed location and are labouring hard to change the world in our field). We will bust our balls to give you the blogging you deserve but please bear with us.

Hockey Pool Note:
GF had Marty Brodeur and was owning his poolmates with relative ease. With Marty's season ending injury GF is, in a word, fucked. I wish Marty a speedy recovery mainly because I can't wait to see him become the winningest goalie of all time. It's an accolade he truly deserves.

Keep the Peace in the Crease

2008-10-23T18:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have been in California for the week, missed the last two flames games and have no idea wtf is going on in the NHL. It's hard to remember hockey when you in sunny +30C weather. Whooo.

I would like to take a moment to call out my counter part on the GSN, GaleForce. Call me Rob Tortorella for a moment here, but we need some goddamn posting. Thus ends the calling out.

Actually, GF had an interesting question for me today: Should Sundin be acquired in a current hockey pool? That's a tough one. If Sundin laces them up he will be a force to be sure. But will he? I have to be honest, I grow weary of the older dudes, shit or get off the pot! The answer, no don't take Sundin.

Since I am stuck watching the Caps and Phx this evening I would like to comment on the commentating. It's all color and the occasional play call. It's weird how the US market tries to brand hockey. In Nascar the commentating is all color and banter until there is a wreck. That doesn't work so well with hockey but perhaps I'm just a stickler.

Ottawa has returned to goalie controversy. It's about damn time. Gerbs is a nice enough guy but he's good for about two softies an night. Auld might do better.

Ok, YYC (aka Calgary). They are currently leading the preds. HOLD ON GUYS!

Battle of Alberta Preview

2008-10-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

This is a short one:

Flames win.

Look for Alice Hemsky get into a fight with Iggy who knocks out several of his teefs.
The kid line scores a goal increasing the debate surround the sophomore curse.
Garon is benched in favor of Rollie (who will get lit up and chased from the net by the third).

Flames 8 Oilers 3

Season Opener.

2008-10-10T05:50:00.000-07:00

Wow. That effing sucked.

The Flames are trying to be more of a puck possession team.
An admirable strategy, if you can pull it off. Period 1 it looked like they were but in reality the 'Nucks were just finding their feet. Things turned south with Connie-Boyd had the stinky turn over with the Sedins on the ice. That's a no-no and turned into a goal against.

Kipper
Ok, I don't believe it's time to panic. It is time to talk to the forwards about their defensive roles. As well, I would like to see the defensive core not over commit down low. Too many times last night a blue jersey was left wide open and was able to pounce on a juicy rebound. My notes point out that Kipper stopped all the initial shots (not sure I was totally accurate on that) but was murdered on secondary attempts. Rebound control and the D-team covering where rebounds go would help.

Keenan Blender
The Keenan random line generator is hard to stomach at times. It seems that no line can generate chemistry because they only play a shift or two together. I can't say I love this strategy and I can't say I hate it. We also can't say it works.

UNDustified

2008-10-08T15:25:00.000-07:00

Dustin Boyd had one helluva preseason as the top performer. With linemates Moss and GlenX they were terrorizing the competition every night.

So as the roster has been pruned, tuned and tweaked, it would only make sense that Boyd has been sent to the QC Flames. Yeah, you read that right, the Flames management sent him to the minors.

Wow. That's all I can say. Dustin, I am terribly sad to see you go when tools like Prust and Nystrom get to play. This is nothing outside of shameful. Now, it's not a cap issue and it's not a one-way deal issue. Well, mostly not a one way issue. You see, they can fire Nystrom and Prust down to the minors but they still have to pay them the NHL money whereas Boyd can get shafted down to the minors and get paid 30k. I'm sure Kent and WI will cover it more thoroughly.

It's a shame to see such a bad mangerial decision especially when your organization relies so heavily on internally bred talent. You cannot do things like this, even Kevin Lowe knows that.

In other news Rhettsky was put on IR. Because that makes a great deal of sense.

Prediction Season

2008-10-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

ESPN, the most amazing sports team in the galaxy, took some time away from Monday night football to partake in the preseason prognostication party. Apart from the asinine alliteration, I would like to highlight the humor value of the ESPN team in addition to the few pearls of wisdom.

Firstly, ESPN thinks Dion Phaneuf is looking pretty good for the Norris. I say HA! As if. Everyone knows Sidney Crosby is going to win it with his commanding presence in both ends of the rink. Clearly I am kidding, but while we're at it, you know who is missing from this list? Hal Gill aka the USS Hal Gill. Check out www.thepensblog.com if you don't believe me.

Scott Burnside and Linda Cohn seemed to have some reasonable picks but then I saw Tampa Bay in there. WTF people. Stamkos can't save hockey in Florida and Melrose can take his coif and blue steel impression all the way back to ESPN's broadcast booth. TBay needs to ship it's roster up north for some harden-the-fuck-up training if the games in Sweden were any indication. Rookie of the year and most ridiculously good looking coach is all they have in the pipeline. At least Scott and Linda got one thing right, Trogdor is going to win the cup. BURNINATION!

Notably, you'll notice (sic) that Kipper is missing from the Vezina picks. I have to agree on this and yet deep down hope that I am dreadfully wrong. Kipper looked brutal in the preseason and typically has a terrible start. Thing is, at $8M this season he needs to have a great start and perform like Kipper from 04 or the trade deadline might have a painful boot to the arse of the unflapable Finn.

Also on my gripe list is this notion that the Dallas Stars are somehow going to win the Cup. Look, this is the NHL not the academy of motion picture arts and sciences. There are no lifetime achievement awards and the only way to foist Lord Stanley's Chalice is to drag yourself through hell. The stars have proven, repeatedly, they can't handle the big dance.

But the internet is a vast and magical place. If you look hard enough you can find something or someone that tells you what you want to hear. PuckPassion is that place if you're a Flames fan. I'm a bit choked because the Predict-o-tron 2000 was used without our permission but I like the result.

Guerrilla Campaign of the Week: Operation Eriksson

2008-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

People, the time has come to mobilize against the forces that employ Anders Eriksson and allow him ANY FUCKING ICETIME WHATSOEVER. The usual suspects have excellent game coverage and there are some glimmers of awesome in the roster. On the flipside, a fair amount of commentary revolves around Anders and his horrific defensive zone turn overs, his appalling offensive zone turnovers, and his lack of puck awareness. Apparently the only places Eriksson excels are sitting on the bench, warming the penalty box, and the neutral zone. Regarding the game of hockey in the NHL he's hitting the epic failure button pretty hard and frequently. Please don't dress him for the rest of the season and no one will get hurt.

File this under WTF

2008-09-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

The new NHL season has barely started and my hatred campaign regarding Gary Bettman has picked up serious speed. The NHL, looking to open the 08-09 season with some punch, has hired the greatest arena band EVER to perform in Detroit; Def Leppard. Well, if the NHL was hoping to attract new fans I guess mullet sporting, camaro driving, high top wearing 80s throwbacks is a great target demographic. However, everyone knows the greatest arena rock band is The Darkness. You go Gary, you're in touch with reality.

Perhaps the leaf nation will have something to celebrate this year after all. They handed Buffalo a can of whup ass in a preseason tilt. 7-4 was the final tally.

In a bit of Flames news, Kipper showed up with his best fitness ever but has been laid low with the flu. Never a good way to start the season. Hopefully it's not the flu going around my office, it's pretty nasty.

In a bit more Flames News, Iron Mike was quoted as saying, "There are no Kyle Wellwoods on this team." Damn straight.

Kyle Wellwood and the Canucks

2008-09-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

With the firing of Nonuts, the Canucks off season strategy became readily apparent, pick up all the chaff and offal from the Toronto Maple Leafs. With the Sundin deal falling through the Nucks were placing a great deal of hope in a questionable 2nd line forward, Kyle Wellwood.

Welly is a nice enough kid but he's never crossed my radar as a second line offensive threat. At any rate, Kyle pulled into training camp and has failed to meet the conditioning expectations of Coach Alex. By failing to meet the standards, I mean dude rolled in kinda fat, taChunk styles.

Granted Kyle broke his foot in the early offseason but damn, show some discipline! If Britney Spears can lay off the cheetos, Kyle Wellwood certainly can. It's cool though, the Sedins have offered to follow him around and make sure he doesn't eat everything in site while watching TV on the couch.

As for the 'Nucks, this bodes well for their extended season plans. It looks like another long season of riding 'Bongo into the ground. Maybe the Flames will be able to beat them handily this season.

Minor Technical Issues

2008-09-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Loyal GSN readers. You may have noticed our swank URL redirect is . . . BROKEN. I am working diligently with various levels of tech support to resolve this most alarming issue. Let's be honest typing guerrilla with any regularity is on the monumental side of annoying.

In other news: Dave and Leanne, WI, and people other than me have been checking out the early season training camps. By the sounds of it we might have some talent. This season will be very telling, Sutter is a genius or a fool.

In other news, we have to give a Guerrilla Fist Pound to Kent at 5holeFanatics for returning the GSN to his blogroll and his seeming rise to the mainstream of sports blogging. That or the Flames have enlisted him as their statstician and prognositicator.

Hiatus Explained

2008-09-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

It was a busy summer and hockey was never far from our minds. Unfortunately our posting schedule went out the window and we apologize. A little bit. After getting culled from Kent's blogroll over at fiveholefanatics we realized we better get back to work. Bear with us, we're re-designing the blog and adjusting our theme. Don't worry, we're surly and anxious for some icy rubber and plexiglass. Crappy grammar, expletives and outrageous claims are all we promise. We hope you're entertained.

Ask GSN: How do I dominate my hockey pool?

2008-09-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again - bidness time! And by bidness, I mean dominating your opponents in hockey pools and winning large piles of "cizzy". In fact, we received a letter asking us exactly that:

Dear GSN,

I love reading you guys and I think you're hockey gurus, can you teach me how to dominate my hockey pool?

Yes. Here are some guidelines to dominate your way to victory.

Join a pool with of blowhards who brag a lot and are basically lazy. The louder, more obnoxious they are, the less likely they are to know anything about hockey. Watch the quiet ones! Also, fear newbies. Newbies often win, even when they don't know anything. I dominated my pool the first year a joined a bunch of guys who were talking it up.
Don't take pity on the nice people who respect your genius. The urge is strong to help those who aren't shooting their mouth off at a hockey pool draft. This includes people like your less-hockey-knowledgable significant other. Don't give these people tips - they will end up beating you. Don't take pity on people who are unprepared at a draft! Your second choice for rookie of the year will end up being the guy that wins while your pick is an epic failure.
BE PREPARED. Seriously, 95% of people are lazy. Including hockey fans. If you are prepared beforehand, you can own these people. Most hockey pool online sites like Yahoo Fantasy Hockey and Officepools.com have tools that you can use to rank players from last year according to the scoring rules for your pool this year. Make use of these lists. People often don't know about them! And for heaven's sake, don't tell anyone. (I'm fundamentally breaking this rule by posting, but I am desperate for your admiration.)
Look for guys that were (abnormally) injured last year. These are never on anybody's lists and can make a killing if they are generally a reliable, healthy performer. I made a killing by taking Brendan Morrow as my enforcer last year when he had a bad injury this year before. This year, look at a guy like Horcoff. (uck. stupid oilers). That said...
Don't pick really injury-prone guys. Especially if your pool doesn't have trades/free agents. I'm talking about guys like Forsberg and Havlat. You are asking for it by picking these guys. It's rarely worth the risk, even late in the draft. Slow and steady wins the pool.
Pick up key goalies and defencemen early in the draft. While everyone else is going to be freaking out about Crosby, Ovechkin, Thornton, Iginla, etc. the fact is that there are a lot of forwards in the league. If you have a relatively small number of people/not too many picks, there will always be good forwards available. The same cannot be said for blue chip defencemen (Lidstrom, Chara, Phaneuf) and goalies (Brodeur, Luongo, Nabokov). Once you get past the very small A-list on defence and goal, there is a steep drop off. Not so much for forwards. This hold true in pools with and without trades - with trades, you can always pickup some hot forward that nobody expected to be this good (Mike Richards, Patrick Kane, etc).
In a pool with trades/free agents, you can win by sheer brute force. Read the hockey news websites (cough*GSN*cough), pick up guys that are hot. Even pick up guys from teams that play more than other teams in a given week if your pool allows for that. It may be worth having a couple of spots on your rosters dedicated to churning the hottest player through there. However if you fall upon a guy that's really lightning it up and it's not just a streak, hold on! This is what happened to me with Kane last year. Free agents are more valuable than trades - people rarely want to trade with you unless it's a huge blockbuster that actually benefits/harms both parties equally.

OK, with these 7 tips, you should be on your way to fame and fortune. Send us a cut of your earnings via PayPal. Good luck!

Dion Phaneuf: Supermodel

2008-06-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

Keep your pants on people because shit just got REAL! Dion has been selected to grace the cover of EA Sports' NHL 09. Hot diggity damn!

Ok, let's cover this in order of hilarity:

1) I have preformed a rigorous regression analysis using the poission distribution. The box for NHL 09 will be the size of a small fridge to accommodate Dion's rather large mellon and equally stylish hair. People he's just that good looking.

2) I linked to the venerable CBC. Wanna bet they sell Ronnie Mac out next?

3) A memorable quote from young Dion:

particularly because of the significant improvements that have been made to the defensive game and the new checking engine.

Ok. For starters anyone want to take any bets he has no fucking clue what a checking engine is? I mean, he's got the broad strokes, he himself is a checking engine but for real people! I bet he's with Elisha Cuthbert because of the improvements to her 'humping engine' but I digress. Lastly, I am familiar with EA sports and I bet you bottom dollar that they improved sweet fuck all in the game other updating the teams and messing up the buttons. (seriously after they moved the spinny-move button I lost all faith in them)

Anyhow, congrats Dion! While you're at EA can you body check every exec you see? Thanks!

CBC: Epic FAIL

2008-06-10T07:36:00.001-07:00

I cannot bear to discuss the Flames as yet. The sting of the season is still fresh upon my soul. But I would never pass up an opportunity to rag on the CBC the most mismanaged, incompetently run sports broadcasting network ever. Like in the history of civilization.

Case #1: Refusing to extend Ronnie Mac's contract. This needs no further explanation.
Case #2: Refusing to purchase the fucking theme song to HNIC.

I fail to see how this was even an issue. The most iconic Canadian theme song will not be heard on every saturday of the NHL season henceforth. Instead, TSN will likely play it all the FUCKING time and somehow drive this valued piece of content into the ground rendering it's once beautiful tones into a blaring cacophony of broken dreams.

To the CBC I say this: you are epic failures in your quest to dominate the hockey broadcasting market. In building up a highly successful brand you lost control of the main pillar propping up your brand. For the love of all that is good in the world what the hell are you idiots doing over there? I hope you are in a room full of timmies donuts and coffee strategizing a way out of this quagmire of incompetence. You know the sad fact is, not even Gary Bettman would have made a mistake like this.

PJ Stock is Loose

2008-04-22T16:18:00.001-07:00

I was gonna write a post about PJ Stock and Ronnie brawling for the right to be on hockey night in Canada, but then I just went on living my life.

Right now the only thing worth living for is watching the Flames take on the Sharks for game 7. You all know what is at stake so I will spare you the cliches.

See you in the trenches.

ANAHEIM SPIES SPOTTED AT 'DOME

2008-04-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Ducks have sent spies up north in the event they end up facing Calgary in their quest for Lord Stanley's Chalice. (Not effin' likely if Dallas has their way)

Like any good fan I post this image with a dire warning to all geeses and ducks. It's APRIL bitches, you are supposed to be in Florida. If you're here it's obvious you're spying.

To the Ducks I suggest the following, worry about the Stars. Turco and the terrors are owning you. Thank heavens. Next to whichever team Avery is on, the Ducks are the second last team I want to see be successful this year.

UPDATE: Apparently one of the geese has been romantically linked with PJ Stock.

Game 5: UPDATE

2008-04-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

GOOOOOAAAAAAL by IGGY!

Deal with it people, I'm 100 times better looking than PJ Stock.

Game 5: Sup Dog?

2008-04-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Via Trapper:

Hello GSN'ers. I'm just kicking it in my Jersey watching game 5. I have been intently watching the officiating and I have reached this simple conclusion:

I think the NHL officials would be put to better use licking my balls. It's a full time job so I'm accepting applications.

GO FLAMES!

The Church of Sarich. . .

2008-04-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

. . . is now in session, Marleau you've been baptized.

The Flames like to do it from behind

2008-04-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

At approximately 3.8 minutes into last evening tilt against the sharks I was tempted to turn the TV off in disgust. First, the lousy officiating and perhaps the 3 goals scored by the vile SJ Sharks. I can't recall Kipper ever being chased from the net in this fashion.

Now, I am fully supportive of the Flames desire to be branded underdogs, I get that they play best under a bit of pressure but wow, that was a nail biter.

To be honest, I cannot think of a better game if you are looking for an example of momentum. And the irony? The much maligned Sarich orchestrated the whole damn thing. Rumor on the street: The Church of Sarich is now in session, you don't get baptized with a splash of water, you get crushed into the boards. Look, just ask Marleau he joined up last evening. (BTW, mad props to marleau for getting up and playing like a man possessed for the remainder of the game, can the pundits stop calling him soft now?)

The Flames PP called fedex, and hey they delivered going 2/2. I can't think of a better game for it to click. Cheers Dion, I hope you and Elisha had some wild hero sex last night because I think you kinda deserved it.

In other news, I would like to point out all the contributions from the secondary crew. SJ has been pretty solid at marginalizing the big guns at even strength, but that's cool because we've got Yelle, Nolan, Connie and Sarich. At this rate I bet even Hale gets on the board.

Lastly, the Kipper and Cujo. I think it's fair to say Daz was right all along in acquiring Cujo. Not that Kipper isn't up to the task but it has to be a bit of relief to know that Cujo can backstop the boys if needed. Heading into game 4 is a bit of a tricky proposition, do you start Cujo or Kipper? I can't say but it will be interesting to see what Keenan does.

PS, I know get why Keenan plays the random lines game, because now he can perch comfortably behind the bench knowing that anyone can play with anyone else. Given the way Keenan runs the bench it could be the most genius and intriguing thing I have ever seen.

PPS I wonder if that crazy kipper stat from the 03-04 run holds true, any game where the Kipper let in more than three goals he returned to win, mainly with a shutout.

Game 3: In Game Blogging

2008-04-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Wow. This game is off to an extraordinarily bad start. At first I thought it was the people in the sea or red wearing white (people what color is the sea of red? this is a rhetorical question) but the real concern was the Sharks scoring 3 unanswered goals in like 72 seconds. I am pretty sure MG is completely wasted and WI is wondering if the jersey has to go.

It is just me or does the officiating stink in the playoffs. I am not referring to just the CGY-SJ series. League wide, something of pungent nature is taking place. Has anyone kept tabs on Mick Magoo(sic)?

Sarich deserves a gold star for levelling Marleau, what a hit! And thanks Dion for scoring. We might get back into this one. More next intermission.

CONROY BLOWN CHANCE COUNTER: 3
Seriously now, stop giving him the puck. Nabby is to strong for him.

Ok, so we have 3 minutes left, not going to put this in the win column yet but wow, did the sharks ever prematurely blow the proverbial load. Gotta save something for the rest of the game dudes.

This is not an ad for hair restoration

2008-04-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

...But it really could be. I am doing my best to support the Flames but my hair follicles are letting me down.

Guess who isn't letting me down, Stephane Yelle. Ol' Sandbox showed some grit last night and hot damn did Iggy and Kipper put on a clinic. I have been reserved about the Flames chances here in the post season but last evening was reminiscent of a few years back.

A Quick Spin around the Playoffs:
How the mighty have fallen. The Sens will be lucky if the Commish doesn't enact a mercy rule by game three and allow Roberts and Co a bye into the SC final. It's a bad day at the office when a 50 year old dude owns your entire team. And would someone remind volchenkov that you shouldn't block pucks with your face?

The Avs and Wild, I honestly don't really care. The wild are the most boring team in the NHL.

Poor Boston. MTL has their number.

Avery cannot make the next round. Period.

Flames and Sharks tonight:
Flames win, another one goal nail biter.

Is it 2004?

2008-04-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

SANDBOX IS BACK!

I have decided to get a mohawk in honor of the Flames. Now I don't want to get excited but the mighty sharks don't seem so mighty . . . (fingers crossed)

More later gang, I am swamped at work.

**UPDATE:
So, I wanted the frohawk but it's not really possible. Depsite my receding hairline I got the mo-fauxhawk done. Ironically, it's more of a whoa-hawk. Pics soon . . .

Gone Baby Gone

2008-04-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

Was going to go with the picture of Linden and Iginla shaking hands, but quickly realized that meant I would be voluntarily placing a Jarome Iginla on my post. It's a real shame Dustin Boyd wasn't there too ruin his second shot at #50. So hello Joel Otto, it's been a while. How's the good life treating you?

Goodbye Trevor Linden. Way to go Canucks for making sure he went out in style. At least we didn't totally tank the game and lose like 8-1 or something. Although if we left Bobby Lou in there I think Calgary could've scored 10. With the season he's been having they shouldn't have even started him last night. Anyways much like Stan Smyl, Tony Tanti and Kirk McLean before you, its off to the ~~glue factory~~ Canucks old-timers games. Here's hoping they let you wear the 'C'.

No Winny in Minny

2008-04-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, it was a busy evening in the NHL. There are a few things I would like to cover.

1) Wild vs Calgary:
The officiating in the NHL has taken a turn for the worse heading into the post season. There exists a historical precedent regarding end of season reffing but this is ludicrous. Vandemeer gets his stick slashed into pieces and goes off for 2? Burns punches Dion and doesn't get an instigator? Wow. And let's not forget paint drying has a higher entertainment value than the Wild playing with a lead. Admiral Ackbar said it best: "It's a TRAP we can't repel officiating of that magnitude!"

2) Flames have limped into the post season.
Again, we have to thank the Oilers for both playing like animals and knocking out the Canucks allowing us to secure a playoff berth. Next season we cannot expect the same nicety from the Oil as they will be marching into the post season all by their onesy selves, savvy? Now, one predicament the Flames need to avoid is losing to the canucks on Saturday thereby ensuring a round 1 meeting with the SJ Sharks. In that highly likely scenario the round 1 winner is going rhyme with 'Fran Hosie Parks' and not 'the Frames'. Of course, I don't want to put any pressure on Calgary here but please so us all a favour and FUCKING WIN on Saturday.

3) OTT vs Leaves.
Wow, people rag on Dion for being a punk, and he is a wee bit punkish on the ice, but how about Bell and Tucker? They are out and out douchebags. If you fail to make the playoffs there is no better way to build a reputation of douchebaggery than running over the oppositions star captain or threatening to take out another opposition star players knee. While you're in the penalty box. On national fucking television. Bell? Well he's making lots of friends.

4) Chris Chelios
Chelios is a muppet.

This could be it for Markus and Trevor

2008-04-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

And it may all end with a whimper. It's quite likely that Saturday's game with the Flamers will be the last game in a Canuck's jersey for Naslund or Linden (or both). Linden simply shouldn't be around next year. He's one of my all-time favourite Canucks but keeping him around for six goals a year just isn't going to cut it on a team that has such difficulties scoring. And for a team with such great scoring issues Naslund's decline has been particularly troublesome. Look at his point totals for his last five NHL seasons - 104, 84, 79, 60 and 55 with one game left this season. He's a free agent this summer and perhaps the Canucks ought to consider what else they could get for 6 mil a season.

It is simple.

2008-04-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

GOTTA WINNY IN MINNY.

Let's not forget Canada's Team

2008-04-02T22:26:00.001-07:00

[Thank goodness for the edit function]

I don't ask much. A cold beer after a hard days work. My Pizza delivered warm. Clean sheets once a week. And of course, the Canucks in the playoffs. Now that the Oilers are officially done, we are left with a few different scenarios. The most likely is that the Flames are in and that the last Western spot will come down to Nashville or The Swedish Bikini Team. Ok, that's the most likely scenario when you read the NHL standings whilst drunk off your ass. Apparently I was slightly off here. Whoopsies. I'm probably what jinxed them into losing tonight. Dammit all!

Now, fellow Canadians I ask of you --- do we really want Nashville - Nashville!!!...in the playoffs?!?! Jason Arnott has had his chance at playoff glory and it is not quite Dan Ellis' time yet. So I dare say as Canadians we owe it to the Canucks to cheer for them as they make their final playoff push. And don't worry Flames fans I won't tell anyone that you'll be cheering for Vancouver's finest this coming Saturday. Guess it doesn't matter now. Maybe next year we can get that offense back on track. Guess now I will have to figure out which teams playoff bandwagon to join..

Farewell Greasers

2008-04-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Despite a thrilling surge in the latter part of the season, the Oilers fell out of playoff contention at the hands of the Flames. Surges, as the US military can attest, are gambles at best but this one nearly worked. That being said, I feel the Oil deserve a huge congrats on playing some of the most exciting hockey ever (16-2 in the final stretch, that's amazing). Next season watch out. A great game last night.

Our Calgary Flames have yet to clinch a spot. I am glad they are road tripping right now and not home getting caught up in all the hubbub of Junos (for the US readers the Junos are like the oscars but Canadian*). As usual, our division is somewhat undecided at this point and the term 'logjam' or 'constipation' or perhaps even 'intestinal blockage' could serve as a poetic metaphor. The solution is simple, WD 40. When you need a quick-slick-clinch of sixth place look no further than north america's favorite lubricant. (that just sounds dirty)

In other news, I would like to remind my fellow Flames fans (if you can take time out of your busy schedule beating down that douchebag that was unfortunately wearing an oilers jersey) that we do not have much right to gloat over our defeat of the Oilers. At no point during the regular season has Edmonton fielded a complete roster. With the likes of Horrcoff, Torres, Moreau et al being sidelined more consistently than the Flames results it's a wonder they were even contesting a playoff spot. Likewise for the Canucks. Despite the fact I strongly dislike Van and would personally torch the Sedin's bunkbeds (with them in it) Calgary has proven inept at beating the mani-fucking-toba moose. Pound for pound, Calgary has had it easy with injuries and should have put the Oil and Vancouver on the fast track to missing the post season.

Of course, I am sure MG will provide a solid fanalytical perspective, I am just going from the gut here. In short, the next two games must be won. Put on your big girl pants CGY, it's a man's game.

* yes I know the junos are about music and not motion pictures ;-)

Year of the Paper Tiger

2008-04-01T07:52:00.001-07:00

Coming up with something witty to say has been challenging. The very hard reality of this season, to be postmortem-ed soon, bears a remarkable resemblance to the much feared yet oft slain paper tiger.

This evening marks the final edition of this seasons battle of Alberta. It is a battle that has spilled onto the streets although this guy kinda looks like a douchebag (I am kidding, but did it really take 4 dudes to beat him down? that seems excessive to me). The theme of tonight's tilts is Old vs New. The Flames represent the Old and the Oilers full of fresh faced rookies represent the New. For both teams the result of this game could hold the key to the post season. Calling this game a must win does not accurately convey the gravity of the situation, the walk from the locker room to the ice is equivalent to the march to the gallows. By the end of the night, the trap door will be sprung choking the life out of one teams playoff hopes.

Help us David Hale, you're our only hope . . .

PS Regs, no screwing around tonite.
PPS Lanks, SCORE A GOAL
PPPS Preems, FOCUS you too can score a goal
PPPPS No Micky Reffing tonite, perhaps tripping, goalie crashing and being a shithead are legit penalties again. WOO HOO

Yet another must win game.

2008-03-25T11:37:00.001-07:00

Flames and Canucks meet up tonite. I could use the usual cliches, spirited affair, big game, must win situation, playoff hockey, etc, but we all know the score. The Flames need to win, scrappy underdog styles.

In a vein similar to the topic of underdogs, the Juice is manning the pressbox this evening and young gun Boyd is in. Interesting times in the Flames dressing room. At any rate, this will likely spur Christian into a goal-a-thon in the near future.

We can hope that Lou's wife has her baby before game time, which would be a great thing for all parties involved. I feel the flames owe the oilers a win tonite so we dispatched a highly trained operative (see above) to tilt the game in our favour. Trapper, the GSN hound, just returned from a secret mission at the Dome. He may, or may not have, chewed on the sedin's sticks at a critical stress point, taken a dump in Loungo's lid, shed all over Raymond's sweater and given that grin on his face he definitely peed in the gloves of Burrows and Mitchell. There are also uncomfirmed rumors that Vigneault's tie was chewed to bits. Take that Vancouver.

Go Flames.

St. Patrick

2008-03-25T10:53:00.000-07:00

Unless you inhabit the dark side of a boulder you've likely heard about a recent controversy involving Roy Jr. Course, you could get up to speed here, here, here, here(youtube) or here but the short version is, Mini Roy lost his shit and beat down the opposing goalie. Gee, that's never been done b-e-f-ore.

One thing George Lucas has taught us, besides the simple fact that some things should be left alone, is that sons tend to carry similar traits to their fathers. Now whether this is a result of learned behaviour or something completely and randomly emergent I leave it to you, the savvy and loyal GSN reader.

The backlash that has resulted from a good old hockey brawl is amazing. Last time there was national coverage of such an event it involved adolescents. I suppose the debate about fighting in hockey is being rekindled but I say this, leave it alone. These things have a habit of taking care of themselves. As for the obscene gesture to the crowd? Well let's be honest, the French Canadian culture is extremely passionate about a few things. Historically speaking, this isn't the first time obscenities have been hurled at large crowds. Trudeau was pretty awesome at it. The Man-from- Shawinigan succumbed to his urge to choke a bitch. Basically, don't mention politics or insult hockey in their presence because you'll have a fight on your hands. I think we need to know if Bobby Nadeau made fun of Roy Jr's political affiliations. Clearly it had nothing to do the with score, which was like 100-0 or something. In the heat of the moment I would have flipped off the crowd too.

This circus is merely a mountain out of a molehill. Get back to playing people.

The Regular Season continues.

2008-03-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was unaware of this awesome site until google pointed it out. www.divealanche.com, they provided this excellent graphic and I thank them for it.

Over the weekend the Flames provided some spectacular entertainment and won in the process. Dion's goal was a beaut, Lombo finally missed the post and let's not forget Iggy's hat trick.

Saturday's game afforded some interesting observations:

1) For the first time this season, the Flame effected a complete line change while pinning their opponent in their own zone. This is exciting as I have not seen a similar level of pwnage since 04 against the sharks. Gritty and determined, total scrappy dog style.

2) The Juice is trying out a new role, mainly sitting on the bench but strangely it seems to be benefiting the team. Maybe Keenan isn't a complete random line generator.

3) Lombo and/or Nolan and/or Yelle and/or Primeau look strangely awesome. I think the Dome needs to play Sandstorm whenever these gents hit the ice because they were sandblasting Minny. Yeah yeah, I'll stop with the puns.

This evening Forseberg, (who may or may not play*) Foote and the rest of the Colorado Avalanche return home to face Calgary. Up north, Minny meets the Oil. Uh, GOILERS! You see, the Oilers have become the Cinderella story of the NHL, if they continue to beat everyone we will see them in the playoffs and that's just cool. Either way, I would like them to beat the Wild, makes things good for everyone in the long run. Back to CGY vs COL. . . I think karma will go in Calgary's favour tonight, the Cs have dominated the Avs in most games but failed to leave with the win. Tonight should be an exception.

Luckily, HALEWATCH gets a break this evening as the game is PPV or whatever the eff ALT-HD is. Hale's** luck? He friggin' scores but no one sees it. I've got a good feeling that Alberta sweeps tonight.

*Foppa is playing. I'm an idiot
** Hale is injured ensuring that he will not score.

Stark Contrast.

2008-03-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

No funny picture today. Better grammar checking. There's no excuse.

The Flames have no excuse and no time either. Tonight they host the Colorado Dive-alanche and make no mistake about it this is a must win game. All season long the Flames have delivered sound bites at the right time with the right message: play better, play simple, pucks on net, blah blah blah. Time to deliver gentlemen.

Where to place the blame? Sadly, it's on the shoulders of a hard working man by the name of Daryl. Blame not Iggy. Blame not Kipper, dude was bound to have a rough season eventually. Blame the team composition. We have some extremely talented players that are saddled up with young or 'past their prime' players. You can't have 2 people on the number 1 line, you need three. You cannot have 2 people on the number 2 line, you need 3 bona fide second line talents. As for our defense, Regs and Dion should just suit up and play 60 minutes, it would be no less effective than our current situation.

If you are a professional athlete and the likes of Jarome Iginla cannot inspire your overpaid ass to play your best then simply, you fucking suck. Or, perhaps in our case, the best of the rest falls short of what we need to win consistently. To the Flames roster I say this: It's time to rise above and play beyond yourselves, be the difference stop waiting for something to happen.

The Flames have proven in the past that the underdog role suits them. The weight of expectation hobbles what could be the best team in the league. Starting this very instant I drop all expectations, my Calgary Flames suck and are underdogs that I do not expect to clinch the division, make the playoffs or even take a run at the Cup. I expect they will fall out of the playoff race in the next 10 days.

There you go Connie, Lanks, Juice, Preems, and every other under performing member of that cast. You're cast free from the shackles of any expectation, every point you get, every hit you deliver and every positive thing you do will be a bright spot on your ice time. Every other boneheaded move you make will be fine by me because I expect no less. You can now play above and beyond yourselves much like you did in 04.

Fight hard, make every team that suits up against you remember the cost of touching the puck. Please go down fighting harder than you ever have.

This evening Hale is going to score. Ironman Lombo (aka the NHL's official tester of post and crossbar structural integrity) is going to get a goal. Aucoin is going to play like he's 21 and not get out raced in the defensive zone. And Kipper is going to shine.

AWESOMENESS

2008-03-18T17:12:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah, they were gonna make the playoffs. . . .

Not for the faint of heart: Toilet Humor

2008-03-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

My fellow hockey fans, I am here before you tonight to discuss the state of the NW division. I would like to tell you that is it constipated.

The annual logjam heading into the final stretch started in October and has really picked up steam in the last 4 months. The standings look like:

Minny - 86
Calgary - 84
Vancouver - 84
Colorado - 84
Edmonton - Stanley Cup contenders in 2010.

Everyone is so engrossed with TO's not making of the playoffs I don't think there has been much thought given to the veritable shitstorm of the NW division. Not even Jay Onriat has had anything to say, instead choosing to live blog the Leaf's desperate attempt to make the playoffs winning 13 games in their remaining 11. Jay is a wise cracking fool, his thoughts would be like a warm blanked on a cold day. As the fully digested campaign prepares to pass through the sphincter marking the end of the regular season there remain some burning questions before we plop into the proverbial post season toilet bowl.

1) Can the Flames make the post season? Yup, they just gotta win a few games against divisional opponents.

2) Can the Flames do better than 8th and avoid the Red Wing beat down in the first round? hm, not likely given the current level of playing. If facing the wings in round 1 isn't enough to inspire you to get your crap together, I don't know what will.

3) Is Rhett Warrener injured? Yup, he broke some bones again. Dude needs to drink some mofuggin' milk or somesuch. He's a huge loss because eriksson draws in practically ensuring 1-2 GA per game.

4) Tangs is a GTD, given a broken toe. Damnation, he's proven valuable, more valuable than anyone player on the MTL roster. Are we getting closer to screwed? Yes.

The Flames need to be the ex-lax of the NW division blockage for the remainder of the season. This would ensure we don't suffer the 6 game exit against the Wings that we are predisposed to suffering. Putting on a surge and considering all divisional opponents to be insurgents would go a very long way to getting into the post season with some fire. Thing is, the Flames need to be a coalition of the willing. And they need to be willing to win.

Main component of fairness: Fairies

2008-03-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

Folks, I'm back. There was a strange absence of 'game-day' posts because I seem to carry the curse of the year regarding the Flames. As it stands, and has been pointed out repeatedly, the Flames need to play .500 hockey to have a hope of smelling the post season. This road trip has been, uh . . . frightening, to this point. Hopefully the win against the 'Hawks galvanizes the boys in red to a .500 road trip.

So, Pronger got suspended. Merely 8 games for his deliberate stomp on Kessler. Chris Simon on the other hand got a Hajillion* game suspension. Both are repeat offenders, both stomped on reputable NHL pests, but both are not NHL superstars. See, prongs has a history of suspensions and incidents in the NHL just like Simon. Granted, Pronger has never baseball-ed a poor fool in the face but he's done some nasty stuff. At any rate, initially there was to be no disciplinary action but then NEW VIDEO EVIDENCE surfaced and Colin Campbell had to do something. The problem I have with the handling of 'StomperGate' is simple: it's a case of limp-dickery.

1) The NHL disciplinary committee has decreed no wrong doing in the Pronger Stomp case. Before all the video evidence was reviewed. Yep, that's a classic case of limp dickery.

2) Upon further review, the NHL disciplinary committee has decreed Pronger will be suspended 8 games. Why only 8? Is it because he's the daughter of a prominent dentist? No, it's because he's a superstar. Yeah, another limp dick handling of the issue. It would be a real punishment if Pronger had to sit out the first round of the playoffs, this 8 game shit means nothing. The Ducks could sit out the rest of the regular season and still make the post season so Colin Campbell has essentially 'appeased' the public but failed to adequately hurt Pronger. Hell, I bet Pronger is stoked for the 8 game break.

Not that I am interested in the job, but were I running the NHL discipline department with the mandate of protecting the players and all that crap; my handling of Pronger would have been simple. First, make no announcements until you have received all footage from all angles. Once it has been established that there was some goonery going on I would toss out the Colin Campbell wheel of justice and give Pronger what he deserves. Not limp-dickery but a good old fashion set of balls to the face. Not just any balls people, the BALLS OF JUSTICE! In short, Hey Prongs, see you next season. No, really, next season. Take some time to reflect on your douchebaggery, take some anger management and we'll see you in October.

In conclusion, the fairness portion of the NHL disciplinary review committee is clearly run by fairies or the people in charge are lacking the spine to do what is right and necessary. When you have an established precedent, repeat offender, deliberate stomp, goonish behaviour, and ridiculously ugly = 30 game suspsion, then it only holds that if the same situation arises you dole out the same punishment. Or at least explain why so people like me don't post things referring to limp dicks. But then again, I haven't seen Pronger's Blue Steel. So maybe that's it.

*30
** A great deal of flaccidity in this post, my apologies

Flames vs Caps.

2008-03-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

The Flames traverse the mighty North American continent this evening to take care of some 'bidness' with Washington's Capitals (and the rest of the Bad Boys of Punctuation).

The Caps have this one hands down. Our boys in red have failed to defeat Alex the Great and his band of merry men in their last few meetings. Come to think of it, the Flames haven't beat the Caps in like 9 years. Wow. That's awesome.

Anyhow, if you haven't been following the GSN of late, you are not aware of the curse I am currenly suffering/providing/etc. If you are aware then you know what is coming. MG once spoke of the rapture I speak of something else. Something dark and sinister. Something even Chuck Norris fears. I speak of defeat so horrible and wretched that you will want to blind yourself in an effort to spare yourself the utter depravity.

This game will get off to a dubious start with Cujo in net as Kipper has been detained by the department of homeland security. Why? Well, I suppose it's because he threw a puck in the face of a customs officer who copped a feel during the secondary inspection but it's really just a rumor. Godard and Nilson draw in again with the hope of repeating their unlikely offensive outburst against the blues. Good call Keenan. The first will end with a scoreless tie but the Caps will outshoot the Flames by at least 15 shots.

In the second frame, Ovechkin and his sidekick Backstrom will start lighting the lamp with frightening regularity earning their line the nickname 'Metamucil'. David Hale will finally score, too bad it will be an own goal. Note how the names of the CGY stars aren't being mentioned? That's because they ain't doin' nothing on the ice. Keenan will turn around and bench the 1st and 2nd line in favour of Godard and Nilson. The second period will earn the distinction of being the most expensively warmed bench in the history of the NHL. By now the Caps are ahead by a modest 5.

The Third will feature a revitalized Flames team playing with a furious anger and blind intensity. Too bad Dion will be spending most of it in the penalty box while the Flames kill off 3 consecutive minors. Hope is restored when lombo streaks in for a short handed goal but the buzz is killed with Kolzig scores. Juice will take a Regs slapshot to the nuts but in doing so will redirect the puck past a sprawling Kolzig. Nolan, Connie and Iggy will all post goals but no buzzer beaters in this one.

Caps 9 Flames 5*

* the shame of this is killing me.

Flames vs Blues

2008-03-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've been respectful of the apparent game-day posting curse. But after hardcore analysis I have concluded the following: it is the Flames fault, not mine.

This very evening a blue St Louis Blues squad rolls into the dome. Despite the playoff dream being snuffed, the Blues tend to bring it. In the Blues favour is Calgary's inability to suit up and and play for the first 20 minutes. Equally useful to the STL crew is Dion Phaneuf, the new crowned prince of riding pine in the sin bin. 7 minor penalties in his last 2 games alone! I would offer that he is sad at the loss of his beloved SUV but for fuck's sake Dion, pull it together.

So, here's the skinny kids:
The Flames will lose this evening to a chorus of full throated boos cast down from the rafters. STL is going to beat them as bad as Keenan wants physically beat them in practice. And you know Iron Mike wants to lay the hurt on these goofs. If I hear one more BS quote from the team about having to play better I will personally drop the gloves at center ice with each and every one of them. Shhhhhh Lanks, less chit chat and more action. Stempy is having a rough season but will make up for it this evening with 9 goals (this is a conservative estimate). Boyes will do ok with 2. In the first period Kipper will face 30 shots and go on strike forcing Cujo to saddle up between the pipes. In the third Cujo will be replaced with a carboard cutout of Worf in the hope its intimidation factor prevents a goal or 3. Note how any comments on the Flames D are strangely absent, much like the ES Flame defense of late. Oh wait, direct all comments regarding Flames ES D to the penalty box where Dion has set up shop. Offensively the Flames can rely on the offensive juggernaut that is Craig Conroy, he's like Jeff Cowan people, the most underrated dude since Fitzpatrick. He's good for a cross bar, the side of the net and one goal.

STL 11 Flames 1

GO FLAMES!*

*The fine print is as follows. If I predict a rout at the hands of a second rate team the Flames seem to excel and win by a comfortable margin. Ergo, we are testing this theory tonite. The Flames desperately need the points.

Post Game: CGY vs CBJ

2008-03-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

It is said that a picture is worth 1000 words. Above* is the best way I can describe last evenings game. The Flames were lucky, kinda like Hugo above. Don't worry, Hugo is fine Snappy was tired of getting poked with a stick. I'll take the win, but the Flames need more fire on Friday.

*I use MS Paint for all my photo editing needs. Thanks for asking.

CBJ vs CGY

2008-03-04T11:39:00.001-08:00

I am hopeful the hockey gods miss this post. The Flames are a remarkable 0-4 in my last 4 game day posts where I say something positive. That's frustrating.

The pic to the immediate left is a classic example of Calgary defense. Although, in Calgary's defense, the game against the Ducks was, in a word, filthy. You see, the Ducks have virtually the same lineup as last year heading into the post season and they won the Stanley Cup. So it holds that they are in a good position this year. However, if they could play just a little less thuggy I would be happy. Calgary needs to stay calm, hit hard, and play their game. Once you march to the tune of the Ducks you're screwed. Just ask the Sens. Of course, when the officiating is that terrible you're in real trouble.

It was nice to see Cujo in net against the Coyotes. It was even nicer to win that game and see Iggy light the lamp. Less impressive was the Juice and Lombo hiting iron on empty nets. Ouch boys. Of course, had I posted anything that day it would have been predicting a coyotes rout of the Flames. It's like a tradition here at the GSN now.

Rumors are that Mike Keenan is brandishing the Iron. Dear lord, I hope that doesn't involve viagra or a goalie trade. Of course TSN is back from it's post trade coma and they stopped covering the mighty Mats Sundin for a few seconds to offer the most preposterous BS since the Tanguay trade rumors: a goalie controversy in Calgary? You are KIDDING me? If Cujo starts tonite it might be because Kipper is exhausted and likely has the flu.

So predictions. This could go both ways, I'll be honest. Nash is hot. Iggy is hot. Juice is decidedly not hot. I predict a Flames win but it will be close. 2-1.

Duck Hunt

2008-02-29T12:28:00.001-08:00

The Ducks play host to the Flames this evening in what will most assuredly be a spirited tilt. To be honest, a prediction in nearly pointless on my part because it never works out. At any rate, the Flames looked rock solid last game against the Avs despite the loss. With more of the same the Flames should be dining on duck a l'orange.

The Ducks are a strong capable team. Much to my damn chagrin because I effing hate everything about them. Getzlaf, Salami, Prongs, Needymyer, big Bert blah blah blah combine to form the mighty Devastator but Giguere is the real worry, he's been hot against the Flames of late.

Help me Iron Mike Keenan-obi, you're our only hope. Which scares the crap out of me however with the consensus being Tangs may join the top line while the juice returns to his rightful place with the 2nd unit our offensive system just got upgraded. As well, Nystrom seems to have drawn back into the fold which will bring some excellent grit and determination. Couple that with Nolan and I think good things will happen.

The Ducks are the team to beat. If we beat them I feel a small sense of excitement. If we don't, I don't think any long term conclusions can be made about either team. The post season is still a few games away. Anything can happen. Like, Selanne can end up locked in someone's basement while Getz's SUV is carjacked. I'm just saying, life in California isn't just sunshine and lollipops. It can be 9mms and thug life.

Vader Fired.

2008-02-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

Paddock put out to pasture as slumping Sens suffer silly setback against a beleaguered Boston Bruins. Did you like that alliteration folks? And yes, I would like to buy a vowel.

I can't say Paddock was my favourite coach, his breathing during the post game interview was nothing short of annoying. As to his talent. Well slap me silly and call me Sally, if you can't lead that roster to the Stanley cup finals you may have some issues. Oh wait the entire team wants to kill you.

It was clear that in their last two games the Sens were sending a message to the organization. Be it the smoke resulting from burning Paddock effigies in the parking lot or perhaps the 5-0 loss to the Leafs, I think Brian Murray got the message. Paddock has left the building.

Now I would expect the Sens to go on an absurd tear, winning the next 20 games or something. If they fail to do so I would be very intrigued. I think it would be nice to see the D-corp step up and support the goalies.

He's Looking to Make it in Hollywood.

2008-02-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

Yet again the Flames play to their potential but lose due to some bad luck. Or a bad call, take your pick.

Douchebaggery takes many forms and Liles presented us with a fresh taste last evening with his quadruple Salchow leading into a full gainer. If that was tripping then I don't like midnight runs to DQ at market mall. Which I do, ergo concordantly it is only a simple fact that Liles deserves an Oscar and the ref is a muppet. A trip that flagrant, that premeditated would have resulted in blood on the dance floor. There was no blood, just a thunderous applause for a spell binding performance.

Congrats to Regs on his SH goal. Congrats to Dion for having his SUV stolen right before the game. Um, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, leaving your truck running while you grab a starbucks and being a recognizable hockey player that just signed a 7 million/yr contract is not a recipe for success. I'd have stolen his SUV and I'm a kinda nice guy.

Trade Day Deadline Wrap up

2008-02-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I am glad this is over. Despite having nearly blown my proverbial blog load earlier in the day I have saved up enough to post my gut reaction to the trades of the day.

But first, the allegory of the 'rental player'. Many high profile trades were made today in the hopes of securing, short term, that killer talent that will propel your team into the post season and perhaps beyond. It is a human predisposition, the urge to fortify and strengthen your clan, but since Sutter did nothing we can conclude he is not human. Sadly, the rental player is like Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win. You part with your assets to secure what you know is a reliable tasting cup of coffee and the chance to win a toyota matrix or perhaps a timbit. Sadly, you enjoy the coffee only to lose the contest and be left feeling empty and hollow. Perhaps even used. Just ask Brad Stuart, Mr. Rent-a-defenseman.

High Profile Trades that did not happen:
Olli Jokinen: J Martin likely wanted all that, a bag of chips, a happy ending and a rainbow colored cloud to part with Olli's services. It's a steep price and there is the little fact that the Panthers are on the express elevator to nowhere when it comes to tasting the post season. I would be shocked to see the franchise last another two years as Las Vegas would be a better venue.

Mike Ryder: TSN would have you believe he was the most sought after forward next to Alex Tanguay. Thankfully common sense prevailed.

Alex Tanguay: I have no official comment. To everyone else: I fucking told you so.

Who Won Trade Day 08:
Colorado Avalanche:
Foote, Forsberg, Salei, have been added while Sakic and Stasny return to play. I don't think they need a goal tender. It is safe to say that the Avs rank at SEVERE on the Western conference threat index.

Dallas Stars:
They won the Brad Richards lottery. Brad has been cellar dwelling for the season and boasts a stellar -25 rating. Yeah, he's got mono or something but Jason Blake plays for the Leafs and has cancer is still +1. At any rate, Richards with Turco as the backstop will turn that frown upside down. Much to my chargrin, Mike 'Electric Fish' Ribero is also getting hot. Since the oil aren't gonna be around to soften the Stars up, the Flames better hope they don't face these guys. They rank a HIGH on the Western Conference Threat index.

Pens:
CrosHossaMalkinator, it's a goal scoring machine sent back in time to obliterate you ALL! I get the feeling that the Pens think they will win the cup. Ironically, I bet it happens because of Bettman.

Philly:
Prospal will bolster the offensive capabilities of Philly. Uh, they will beat their way through round 1 of the playoffs.

Who Lost:
TO leads the losers with acquiring nothing other than a 2nd and 2 5th round picks. JFJ would have done better. Fletch is losing his touch.

MTL. Man, they picked up no forwards and traded a great goalie. Now they are stuck relying on Price who has no playoff experience.

The Price is wrong . . . bitch!

2008-02-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

MTL deals Huet to the Caps. Uh, Price is their starter now? Gainey is no fool I would suspect he's trading for another goal tender. Price is good but dude is young and the playoffs appear to be a certainty for the Habs. Rollie wants out of Edmonton . . .

Stars win the Richards Lottery!

2008-02-26T09:06:00.000-08:00

Dammit. The stars picked up Richards. Personally, I think he sucks and he's been stinking it up with a -25 on the year but pair him up with Turco? Crap. I don't envy the Flames facing the new stars.

Campbell's Shark Soup!

2008-02-26T08:39:00.001-08:00

Buffalo continues it's proud tradition of hemorrhaging talent as Brian Campbell heads to the Sharks! (Dammit, I don't need the sharks finding the ability to win again this season!)

<----- Nuf Said.

TSN rips off 24

2008-02-26T06:02:00.000-08:00

Darren Dreger, Bob Mack and some other wank wish they were as cool as Jack Bauer. Sadly, now that they have convinced the TSN producers to have a split screen intro with the 24 numbers I think the following will take place between 9:00 and 10:00am:

Jack Bauer busts into the studio while screaming for a tactical team. He will then interrogate BobM as to why he thinks Tanguay is still trade bait. Next he will shoot Darren Dreger in the knee for no reason whatsoever. Give the man a secure socket!

ACQ: JFJ

2008-02-26T05:39:00.000-08:00

TSN has made a deadline acquisition to bolster their lineup heading into the trade deadline coverage. John Ferguson Jr. toiling away in the real world was picked up as a rental for the final coverage push of the season. All kidding aside, JFJ may provide some of the sagest commentary in waning hours of trade day.

UPDATE: While terms of this signing were not released we can confirm that JFJ wanted an endless supply of Tim Horton's coffee and timbits and that steady supply of hair product was also included to ensure his coif maintained that wind-swept look. JFJ moves at one speed people, OVERDRIVE!

Trade Day!

2008-02-26T05:34:00.000-08:00

I will be covering TSN's coverage with an appropriate level of sarcasm and surliness.

Lots of Stuff.

2008-02-25T08:34:00.000-08:00

The race for Lord Stanley's Chalice is entering it's final stretch once the trade deadline passes. With more drama than an episode of the Hills I have many things to mention. Of course, it's all nonsensical but enjoy you savvy sports reader.

1) Congrats to the Flames on their journey from the NW division outhouse to the penthouse. Now boys, keep it focused, keep it real and get it done on the final stretch here, please? JimmyV is a welcome addition to the lineup. Daz, thank you for reading FiveHoleFanatics, hitthepost, and every other flames blog while disreagarding TSN.

2) Tanguay. You know, I think we should let TSN manage a team for a year, say florida's panthers? It would be AMAZINGLY funny to see the result. I say this only because the so called hockey experts are completely idiotic and not one of their trade concepts has made any sense. Tanguay should and hopefully will stay in Calgary. If he is traded for Michael Ryder I will be a) shocked b) crushed and c) lose all faith in Big D. Sutter. People, read the stats for Ryder, the dude has been stinking it up this year and I suspect he's got a lot of other shit on his mind besides hockey. That's not an asset, it's a liability. Tangs, not having his best year likely due to the keenan line-o-rama, has still been contributing in each and every game. Of late, he's been on a tear.

3) The Oilers.
Wow. Unluckiest team ever. I haven't seen a team with more critical injuries in my lifetime. Will Schremp draw in for a few games now? I really feel for the oil, and I am no oilers fan, I wish all their players a speedy recovery. As well, I hope MacT isn't feeling any heat because as annoying as he is, he provides the best post game press conferences. Lastly, would someone put Moreau on a diet of meat, milk, and vitamins? I swear his bones are made of balsa wood.

4) Mats Sundin and the Leafs in General.
As the trade deadline approaches 'sniffing distance' the Leafs have provided a great deal of fodder for the drama machine. In a nutshell, MLSE has decided to fire-sale everything not nailed down including the soul of the team for the last decade+. Kudos to Mats for wanting (what could be his last game) to keep wearing the blue and white. I take back every comment questioning Sundin's character, that guy should be put on a path to sainthood. Sadly, the MLSE group is trying to destroy any good that can come of the situation. I feel that it's a tragedy unfolding in TO and it will only get uglier in the next 24 hours. For a moment let's be realists, the leafs are fucked for 07-08, period. I don't think a mad scramble at the trade deadline is going to be in anyone's best interest. A careful, considered approach starting today and heading into the off season will let the Leafs sort out a strong, young team for next season. Get some new blood up for the rest of the season try them out in the NHL. Fletch, please, do anything other than trade everything in sight.

Well, that is all I have folks. I apologize for the distinct lack of Flames material here but I am in a quandary with respect to the Cs. If I post nicely, they lose. If I post hate filled rants they win. If I don't post at all, they seem to win. I am negotiating a CBA with the Hockey Gods that will let me continue posting without the ethereal consequences of a Flames round 1 exit from the playoffs.

Flames Acquire Chewbacca

2008-02-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

No, not really. But close enough we got another defender! WAY TO GO DARYL!

Now if only we could sign Chewie. I hear he's never been the same after the cold weather at Hoth during the empire strikes back. That shit was cold.

Preditction against Dallas.

2008-02-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

Behold the worlds fastest toilet. Or, perhaps the world's fastest shitter. This fine machine is piloted by none other than Mike Keenan as he leads his charges to slaughter this evening in big D.

The win against the Coyotes notwithstanding, I feel personally responsible for shaming them into winning, the Dallas Stars are really fucking hot right now. How hot you might ask? Well, let's say you've been living in a monastery for a year away from women and upon your return to civilization Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Lindsay Lohan are having a naked pillow fight in your room when you walk in. That might be hot. Suffice to say, the Stars should be suffocating under their success of late but annoyingly they seem to be basking in it. Those bastards.

Ok, so what will happen tonite: Turco will be an inhuman puck stopping machine. If there was a performance enhancing drug for goal tenders, Turco is partaking. To say nothing of the Dallas offense. I remember Ribero for his electric fish impersonation, of late he is best remembered as a goal scoring machine sent back in time to score goals and kill Sarah Connor. Also worthy of mention is Hagman. Having scored alot lately too. I don't think the Stars will run a train on Calgary but I sense the number 4 and I figure that is in the goals scored by Dallas category.

The Flames defense received a boost with the exclusion of Eriksson this evening. Already we're 12% more likely to be effective in the defensive end of the rink. Good old Rhett will get caught flat footed at least twice. The Flames will make a game of it with markers from Iggy, Dion and Yelle but come up short in the end against a team that gets my goat but is quite strong down the final stretch.

Full throttle of the bottle tonite kids.

Game Prediction: Poop.

2008-02-19T11:02:00.000-08:00

Tonite the Coyotes will steam roll the Calgary Flames in a spirited affair. The hosts will tally an astounding 15 goals, (Doan will get 3 Natural Hatricks in a row earning the first Triple Triple in NHL history) Hale will earn his first goal, albeit he will score on Kipper who will play relief for the beleaguered Cujo. Final score 'Yotes 15, Flames 2.

The D-pairings should be:
Sarich - Phaneuf
Hale - Eriksson
Regs - Aucoin

But never fear, Keenan will screw it up and as usual we will watch Regs and Sarich tool around in the defensive end of the rink wondering where the nearest fedex guy is so they can bloody mail the puck up to the forwards. Arizona has great outlet malls but the Flames can't seem to string together a solid outlet pass to save their lives. If ever there was an opportunity to see how shit-tastic the CGY defense is, this evening will be the epitome of disaster as Cujo starts between the pipes. Joseph's rebound control is as tight as a 65 year old dude armed with a bottle of Viagra and 3 Playboy playmates thus leading to the CGY defense skating, willy-nilly, in a series of concentric circles while PHX tries to bury the 4th attempt.

Bryzgalov will tally his first NHL goal by golfing in an empty-netter in the last minute of play and Huselius will be re-incarnated as a goon whilst he delivers 4 bonecrushing hits and gets into a honest to goodness fight (though he will lose in epic fashion). Lanks and Dion tally for the men in red but the good news ends there.

Daz will be travelling with the team. In his TSN sponsored quest for a top line center he thinks Arizona will be the place to secure said asset. 200lb centers don't grow on trees so go where there aren't many trees. Geez people, do I have to think of everything myself? The joke is on us though because secretly Daryl and the brothers have been filming a reality TV series: The Simple Life 42: Sutter Up! in a bid to further Bettman's aspirations to break the NHL into the mainstream.

wow, I think I had rage epilepsy.

Rumors.

2008-02-18T09:57:00.001-08:00

And I don't mean Lindsay Lohan's greatest album of all time. I am referring to the rumors of my demise. They are greatly exaggerated. That being said watch out for the flu up here in Calgary people. It's a mean one. Like Mr. Grinch.

So. You'd think the drug induced haze in which I have been living would have made the Flames recent foibles tolerable. This is not so. In fact, it makes them almost worse because I can't tell if it was real. Last night was the first evening where I had enough coherence to watch the game. Wow, period 2 had me reaching for the NyQuil and Sudafed. I am Suda-FED-up with this lackluster effort. I believe the rhetorical question of the year is: Does Calgary require the services of another top-4 defender?

Keenan Quotable: "We had a good start in the first period, then we really got undressed in the second". Oh Mikey, that's an understatement.

Maybe Daz can make use of this awesome Nike Coupon. . . .

Guerilla of the Week: Mr. Sutter aka Daz

2008-02-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

Big D signed Dion. Now that Phaneuf is making an honest wage, perhaps he could purchase a fucking suit for the odd press conference. I'm all for rocking out a t-shirt and jeans but damn son, dress up a little. Ok, that is all I want to say about that.

Sutter. Where do we begin? The 5 year plan for the cup, the near miss in 04, the wicked farm team development program . . . if you want to read the book on a solid GM you need to wait for Darryl to write it. Plus, there's his delicate touch with the media.

Guerilla Tactics: Let's make a deal

2008-02-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

Well, the blog-o-sphere has been a bit quiet on the trade talk of late. Mainly because we are all resigned to the reality of Sutter's unpredictability. However, I have some things I want to get off my chest regarding this topic:

Things that we think know:

Forsberg is not available.
Jokinen is available.
Vermette and Corvo are available.
Sundin and Kaberle are available.
Prospal is available.
Tanguay is not available.
The great Cujo experiment proved that our D is brutal. We need D.

The Forsberg sweepstakes are in full effect but CGY has been ruled out as a destination. Philly, Ottawa, and (shudder) Vancouver might be realistic landing strips for his services. God help the Flames if Foppa joins Naslund (his BFF). We're so fucked if that happens.

Jokinen would be a welcome addition to the Flames roster thus filling the terrible hole at center TSN thinks we have. Problem, his price will be steep. Florida's needs are too uh . . . needy.

Vermette and Corvo. Well well well. It's not a shock Murray is looking for bodies unless you inhabit the cozy space beneath a rock. With Heatley and Alfie on the sidelines the Sens can't get shit going. Murray needs a forward with a nose for the net. CGY needs a defenseman. I could stomach Juice for Corvo. Vermette would be a nice addition for Lombo as well. This has potential for the Sens and CGY.

Sundin - Kaberle. Even when the Flames were shellacked by Edmonton I was relieved to recall that the Leafs stink even more. Sundin - Kaberle would be awesome additions to the Calgary lineup. To bad we'd end up selling the farm to get them. With Fletcher at the helm, Mats and Kaberle aren't leaving for anything less than heaven and most of hell.

Prospal could be a useful rental heading into the cup. Dude can score. Doesn't really solve the issue of our D being thin.

Ideal Scenario #1: Foppa heads to the Sens. Murray has ~2.7M in space so he could get Forsberg for cash. Let's say for some reason this fails and he needs to clear some cap room. Send Corvo and Vermette to Calgary where Sutter (we also have ~2.7M in room) has to drop some dead weight (Warrener, Preems, etc). Boom. Everyone is happy. Mostly.

Ideal Scenario #2: Sutter wrangles Prospal out of Tampa for a bag of pucks. Juice for Corvo straight up. Not likely, I know.

Less Ideal Scenario #3: Boyd-Eriksson for Corvo-Vermette. I'd hate to lose Boyd but this might be ok.

Less than ideal scenarios include anything involving a trade with Tangs and/or Lombo. Period.

Post Game: CGY v PHX

2008-02-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

Well that was interesting. After getting embarrassed by the Oilers the first 15 seconds of the game against the Coyotes looked ok. Then, things got weird. This Mueller kid had Kipper's number all night. Please note, I am not blaming Kipper but I am considering starting a fund where we could save up and buy the Kipper a damn shutout. Then Iggy and Jovo squared off for round 2 of their somewhat consistent feud. Take notes kids, that's how you brawl. Gloves, lid, then fight.

Segue #1:
I have been getting a bit of flack for my comment on Dion's fighting prowess. Allow me to retort with a fresh dose of perspective. In the Oilers game, I think Moreau bitched out completely and I don't fault Dion in that case. However, it is my general season long comment that Dion needs to drop the gloves once or twice. Dion lays out punishing hit after punishing hit and people will take exception to it and challenge him to a brawl. I think he needs to answer that challenge, tune a few fools, and I suspect that the whole fighting thing will go away. I'm not asking him to be a Goddard, I am asking him to be like Regs. Regs went through this phase, punishing hit, fighting challenge, Regs beats opponent senseless now no one really drops the gloves on Regs. QED

The first period was all kinds of awful for the Flames. The second was odd as well, they certainly had jump and were peppering Bryzgalov with shots but it was like a mini slump, exiting a slump teams will do everything right but not be rewarded for it. Heading into the 3rd, I thought all hope was lost until BigD stepped up. I have been eager for Dion to pull some shit like this all year. That was a great display of leadership and certainly lends weight to the Dion being the real deal and true franchise worthy player. Maybe even a worthy successor to Iggy.

The last 10 seconds were all about redemption. I am extremely happy that Iggy scored but moreover the Flames found that confidence they so desperately need. Dammit, I hate this confidence BS but it really seems to be the case. Confident Flames == contenders.

Points of Note:
1) If last night wasn't adding to the mountain of evidence that Tangs is a vital member of the crew then I don't know what to tell you. Tangs, I love you in a completely non-homoerotic way and your contributions to the team will never be fully appreciated but you kick ass.

2) The Juice. Well, I think we have to be very honest here. Juice has a bag of tricks but anyone who scouts him can prepare to defend against relatively easily. Case point, on the carry in Juice likes to do the tight turnaround just before the hash marks. Unlike most players, he turns away from the boards. This, usually, buys him the time and space to molest the D and get the puck to the net. But wait, all you have to do is have someone at the point stick check him causing the puck to dribble in the neutral zone leading to an odd man rush. I dig the dangle, but the Juice is too easy to corral.

3) The Super Smash Bros D pairing.
Regs and Dion. Wow, that was a fun thing to watch. I know we can't deploy the SSB line all the time but on occasion it's fun to watch. Nice one keenan.

4) Kipper on the Shootout.
Yeah, it's HIS NET bitches. Take note.

5) Doan.
Anger fucking management. Could we over-react a bit more next time?

Battle of Alberta: Advantage Oilers

2008-02-05T08:18:00.000-08:00

I have been absent from the Blogosphere. I was hoping to trumpet my return to posting with a loud and raucous festival rivaling Mardi Gras but alas, it is not to be.

The Flames squared off against a lame looking Oilers lineup last evening. The Oilers, now sans Torres, Souray, AND Horcoff, are digging deep to fill the roster. In fact. I am surprised 'The Hockey Jesus' was not suited up. At any rate, many (me included) predicted a Flames bloodbath in which the Oilers would be crushed in a finality so vivid, so epic, Kevin Quinn and Ray Ferraro would but open their mouths and start singing the song that ends the Earth. (that song is Hit Me One More Time by Britney Spears)

Well, it looks like the week of upsets continues. First Eli Manning, and now the bloody Oilers. Look, I have no interest in defending the Flames, last night was a failure on their part. An Epic Failure. I stopped watching the game, not because I turned it off but because I was blinded by tears of shame. Hats off to the Oilers for what was a riotous win and just another stop on the 'nice try but you're still not making the playoffs' train.

Things worth discussing:

1) Cujo leaving the crease. Jesus H dude, you're forty and one win away from beating Terry Sawchuck's record. There is no need to establish credibility by fighting with Garon. Period. Last evening's shellacking is not your fault.

2) Dion's sorta fight. Memo to Phaneuf: YOU FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN. Drop the glove and fight you pansy. fuck, it's not like you're a pretty boy.

3) MacT. This man is good for a sound bite but sometimes he should think before he speaks:

"It's maybe a strange tactic for a team like Calgary that depends so heavily on (Miikka Kiprusoff) to be targeting the opposition's goaltender," he said. "Those kinds of things have a way of coming back at you."

Uh, MacT no one knows better than the Flames the importance and sanctity of Kipper. Goddard was not instructed to hit Garon, he was being an idiot. Kudos to Garon for his Emmy award winning performance, if Goddard really wanted to run into him; Garon would be bleeding to death in an Edmonton hospital. Slowly. As for this BS about things 'coming back at you' have you ever watched a Flames game you muppet? Kipper is run pretty much every night. Dear MacT: STFU. You got a 7 minute PP out of the deal, and Garon got a shut out wasn't that enough?

4) Sarich. I think he needs anger management classes. He always looks so angry and he kinda tuned Glencross. I like it, but we need him playing and healthy.

Guerrilla of the Week: Nolan.

2008-01-31T07:45:00.000-08:00

This man played like he was 31 last night scoring his 11th hatrick. Ironically, only an assist short of a Howe hatrick as well.

Owen, please continue kicking ass and taking names. No longer will I consider you shark bait.

Clap your hands say . . . maybe

2008-01-29T20:04:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delays in posts folks. Strangely, there hasn't been a great deal going on in the world of hockey. Ha, kidding! I have been swamped with the fun of work and such.

As such, I will keep it brief. Things of note:

1) The All Star weekend didn't completely stink. Although, it wasn't stellar either. My personal highlights were all of the banter with Iggy and company and Dion winning the break away contest. I mean really, Dion?

2) Gary Bettman announcing the EU start to the NHL next season only to have the NHLPA say, hold up Gary, we're not on board as yet. Honestly, Gary you can't get the NHL running in the US, let's not complicate matters more.

3) Ray Emery, wtf man. You get paid a few million bucks to play hockey. SHOW UP TO PRACTICE ON TIME or get in the wah-mbulance.

4) A whole 48 hours without any Tangs trade rumors Woohoo!

Save Alex Tanguay.

2008-01-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, there is some 'information' floating around that Tangs may be on the move. This is serious shit people. From my favourite guy at TSN, Bobby Mack:

The presence of Montreal Canadiens Assistant General Manager Pierre Gauthier at Wednesday's Flames' game has prompted speculation the Canadiens are looking at Calgary's Alex Tanguay and would be willing to move impending unrestricted free agent Michael Ryder to get it done.

Fuck me sideways, Ryder for Tangs straight up? Gauthier better throw in a bag of pucks too. MetroGnome has a better handle on the statistical reasons to keep Tangs. Me, I will keep it simple. Tangs is a surefire contributor to the team at all times. Yeah, he may not shoot enough but if you notice how he elevates the play of everyone around him in addition to be the best all rounder after Iggy. Losing Tangs will be a bad move by Sutter. More from BobbyM:

Whether that is a deal that Sutter would make remains to be seen, but it does fit the financial profile of what he's trying to accomplish?
Tanguay's cap hit next season is $5.25 million, which would help Sutter sign Phaneuf and/or Huselius, and there would be no obligation to Ryder beyond this season.

Man, if Sutter needs $5 million in cap space he need not look farther than the fucking press box. Seeing as Primeau, Nilson, Warrener have been patrolling the 'room with a view' consistently. This is weird, I would rather see Lombo head to MTL. I love Matty, but I think he's ready to be bigger and better than he will ever get in Cowtown. Tangs, on the other hand, is the ultimate Robin to Iggy's Batman. Apply the Jack Welsh philosophy, jettison the deadweight.

Another rumor: CGY is interested in Mats Sundin. If this proves to be true I will personally crap in a manilla envelop and send it to Sutter. Kaberle maybe. But JFJ isn't that stupid. (Ha, Fletcher is).

THE TANGUAY SITUATION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAT SID'S LOWER LEG INJURY!

We're in for a Wild Night

2008-01-16T15:21:00.000-08:00

The predictron 2000 is busted and I am not review stats anymore. Every game I look something up for to sound intelligent in my predictions has resulted in a beat down for the Flames.

At any rate, if the Flames of late show up, I predict a slaughter of epic proportion. We've all seen what Marian Gaborik can do. Can he score 11 goals in one game? As well, the Wild's line of Matt Foy, James Sheppard and Todd Fedoruk have been kicking ass and taking names lately. I bet you Keenan floats Goddard, Smith and Yelle against that trio. How does that fit? Like a SIEVE!

Flames roster news is as follows:
D Adrian Aucoin -- in. GOOD
D Rhett Warrener -- out. GOOD
RW David Moss -- in. GOOD
LW Marcus Nilson -- out. EXPENSIVE
LW Wayne Primeau -- out. EXPENSIVE
LW Eric Nystrom (jaw) -- out. DAMMIT!

I'd like to see Curtis McElhinney start but don't count on it.

Annoyingly the Flames will lose this one. Spectacularly. Like, in the first 14 seconds. Gaborik scores his first of 7 unanswered goals off the face off by manipulating the space time continuum by blasting the puck into a worm hole where it re-enters this dimension on the Flames goal line. Magoo, of course, is officiating and his inane gesticulations knock our starting goaltender, Dion and Regs leaving us with an even worse defensive unit than before. Short shifting remaining muppets and inserting a few forwards into the mix the Wild run a goal scoring train on the poor sap in net. Final score, 12-0 Wild but the silver lining is that Moss proves to be an outstanding defenseman mitigating the potential loss of Dion Phaneuf next season.

**UPDATE:

The Flames won in a shootout with the interesting combination of Juice, Dion, and Iggy. Juice scored, no surprise there. What was surprising was Dion. He fucking nailed Backstrom with a slapper into the chest. The best part was how he keeled over. I definitely think he was winded when Iggy scored on him.

Puppies!

2008-01-16T12:09:00.001-08:00

This adorable canine is here to distract you from the stench of the Flames recent effort in Nashville. All I can say is wow. The post season is a distant hope if this is the product the Flames intend to bring to the table against a series of opponents that are essentially cannon fodder in the war for Lord Stanley's cup.

Yes, that was a run on sentence. Much like my rage for the Keenan doctrine runs on like the Energizer Bunny. As MG predicted, the kid line got molested, slaughtered and generally crushed by the Preds top offensive unit. In a battle between the boy scouts and the Delta force who do you think would win? Leanne eerily predicted the exact score but didn't specify the team (all the making of a superstitious event). The only good thing about the Flames, and it will be short lived, is McElhinney, who looked like he belonged in a NHL net. Kipper wasn't bad last night, our D was terrifyingly ineffective.

Things we know:
1) Puppies are cute
2) The Flames defense is bad
3) The Flames scoring is bad
4) The roster situation is bad
5) . . .

ugh. Puppies.

Battle of Alberta: Game Review

2008-01-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

If you were an Oilers fan, last evening would have caused riotous celebration. Keep it real Oil Country, you're not winning the Stanley Cup. Were you a Flames fan, likely your nose is still ringing from the odoriferous stench of their efforts. Stankfest 08.

I won't jump into the strenuous numerical analysis. The man with the plan will handle that. Leanne and Dave will certainly find the silver lining. Me, I'm surly.

Hemsky. That goal was gorgeous. Much to my chagrin. The ease with which he undressed Regs and molested Kipper should earn him a place on every sex-offender list in Canada. I mean every dangerous Sex offender list! (I intend this as a weird compliment) At any rate, the number one defensive strategy to be used against Hemsky? Do not piss him off or get him emotionally involved in the game. When you leave him alone he doesn't embarrass you. As much.

Cogs. Poor kid. I want him to score again. He's got skills!

Kipper. Someone send that guy a holiday. I think a decent backup is now mission number 1 or 2 for Sutter. Yes we need some secondary offense but we cannot expect 5 years of 03/04 Kipper. It's inhuman. He's tired, beat and could use a break I bet. Maybe the Cujo rumors are a good thing.

MacT. Keep hamming it up in the post game interviews funny guy.

Guerilla Tatics: Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment

2008-01-13T08:35:00.000-08:00

The MLSE consortium has been living up the 'Entertainment' billing of their moniker this week. All sorts of 'Entertaining' things have been coming to light, canceled team photos, speculation on JFJr, Speculation on Paul Maurice, trade talks for Jason Blake, Tucker hamming it up with Roenick last night at the red line blah blah blah. While it does provide cannon fodder for the sports pundits last time I checked the MLSE group was in the business of hockey. Maybe perhaps in the business of winning hockey games even.

There has been a great deal of speculation as to why the Leafs have been under performing. I can sum it up: The Toronto Maple Leafs FUCKING SUCK. I'm sorry, there is no point sugar coating it and I refuse to give a roster like that any sort of a break. Arguably they have all the pieces to be a Stanley Cup contender yet they languish in the sub basement of the NHL. For the love of god, LA beat them. Convincingly.

I don't really cheer for the Leafs but one of Canada's most storied franchises deserves better. Much better. While I don't expect anyone to really care my thoughts on fixing the team are simple:

1) Fire John Ferguson Jr. He's not a bad dude but with respect to hockey he clearly is not getting good advice or possessing an inkling about hockey management.

2) Trade Mats Sunding while he's worth something. The Leafs need a complete new look, starting from the top down. Get some young bodies in there.

3) Shake up the Board. This organization is stale. People are expressing undue influence over matters of hockey management where they shouldn't be.

4) Paul Maurice should go as well. Personally, this part makes me sad because I believe Paul is the kind of coach that would make TO great but you can't rid the institution of it's endemic disease unless everyone goes. Hate to say it.

The Leafs, much to my chagrin, are a team steeped in history. They deserve better, so I hope the MLSE group steps up and sorts this out.

Here's the Proof:

On paper the Leaf roster is not terrible. The performance of these players is. Period. 9 dudes registering on the good side of the plus minus? ew. You gotta score to win.

Defense. Or a lack there of. 3rd in the league for shots against, on average 3.24 GA per game also 3rd worst in the league. The D-corp needs to have it's ass kicked big time. Give Toskala and Raycroft a frigging chance guys. Lie down in front of the puck at least. *

Update:
TSN was discussing this yesterday. Shocking. They were suggesting much the same, clean house. However, they suggested 3 GMs to take over and get this: Andy Murray topped the list. Course, he's unavailable but the next three will BLOW your mind: Brian Burke, Kevin Lowe, Darryl Sutter. Sutter I get. Burke and Lowe? Really?

* Hey, a spade is a spade, the Flames are not great shakes this season either.

NYI vs Flames: Predict-o-tron 2000 says: Flames Win

2008-01-11T08:59:00.001-08:00

Dipietro is a fire extinguisher. A bold .933 save average against the Flames in their one visit. Granted these are two different teams but Ricky is a formidable foe between the pipes and if the goal dispensing machine runs out of Iggy Juice the flames are basically screwed.

So what to expect tonight:
If the Flames big lines got Keenan's 'message' from the Coyotes rout, expect a skating determined effort in the first. Of course, there will be several golden opportunities that pass us by as Conroy and Nolan can't convert. I do feel that this evening could be Nystrom's night. I hope I am right, that guy deserves something. Kipper will be in fine form as well, so the energy will be good with end to end play but we will be scoreless headed into the third.

Then, in the third, things will go sideways. Rhett Warrener will bobble the puck a la Hall Gill in Anaheim springing Comrie to a breakaway against Miikka. Kipper will make the initial save but the rebound will end up on the stick of Guerin and end up in the net, thanks for nothing Hale. The Flames will rally in the final minute to tie it courtesy of Nystrom, Boyd, and Regs (in some fashion).

Of course, it will go to a shootout where the Flames will . . . .WIN courtesy of Kipper and Lombardi. 2-1 SO victory for the Boys in Red.

Flames vs Coyotes Pregame.

2008-01-08T11:40:00.000-08:00

Ok people. I did the unthinkable today. In forming my game prediction I looked up a statistic. Don't worry, I'm ok. The stat in question was Bryzgalov's performance against the Flames. Poor guy is 0-3. This actually came as a shock to me because in my mind I thought he was a fire extinguisher in the style of Turco when it came to the Flames. Apparently not.

At any rate. While blasphemous, I predict we will not win this game. The Coyotes are hot and will show poise and discipline when it comes to shutting down the Flames top line. The only line that really scores. It's been mentioned by the crew that we're somewhat top heavy and have virtually no secondary scoring. Coupled with the simple fact that Kipper stole a game recently and the rest of the wins have been courtesy of a Karome Higgelius pair that is bound to have an off night. You can't be that good all the time.

Course, I hope I'm wrong and the Flames continue to dominate. GO FLAMES.

*In Game Update*

It's 2-0 Coyotes. The thing I feared most has come true, on the Flames PP the coyotes were successful at keep Juice isolated on the boards unable to dangle. BAM! It's now 3-0 Coyotes. The Flames could come back but at this point the momentum is gone.

No, it's like this: 11-1-4 in the last 16

2008-01-04T07:38:00.001-08:00

Lately, the Flames have collectively pulled it together. A big part of this has been the resurgence of the Juice and the continual monstrous play of Iggy. Recently dubbed, 'Karome Higgelius' this pair molested King Henrik, and took advantage of Nabby. Not too shabby at all.

At times I wrestle with the vulgarity of my content. Typically I tend to swear like a sailor. Expletives spice up the old vernacular. However, I accept that it can be offensive at times and I apologize. In advance. I just want to say this: I'M RIGHT AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS! You may want to highlight that gap.

Why am I so excited? Well, I predicted the rangers win. I figured the sharks would drag us into overtime but more importantly some key players have returned to their winning ways. (Yeah, I didn't post it but as Roenick would say, kiss my ass -KIDDING) Namely, the Juice and, to a certain extent, Conroy. Huselius is making a very strong case that he wants to stay in Calgary when his contract expires. Given the way he and Iggy ran a train on poor Henrik, we can conclusively say the dude has regular season skills despite being streaky. Come playoffs he suffers 'Loch Ness Monster' syndrome and you hear about him constantly but never really see him on the ice. I think this could be his year provided the Flames make the playoffs.

Oh the consternation, what's a GM to do when you have a good chunk of your roster heading into UFA/RFA territory? The gang have been discussing and speculating (MG has some lucid thoughts while WI has a different perspective). I'm still not sure of my stance as yet. You see, I rely on a completely different style of analysis, I use the force. Right now, as Yoda would say, difficult to predict, the future is. I do, however, sense a disturbance in the force at the thought of losing the Juice or Phaneuf. (Man, we are so gonna get K-Lowned* or Burke'd** by some outrageous offer sheet at the end of the season).

Other things I would like to share: Iggy should be the league MVP. Stop thinking that it will be R.Loungo. Goalies backtsop a team but rarely can they provide leadership, the most integral part of being an MVP. This is why we have a special award for the best goalie. I get offended that goalies are eligible for MVP status. Lou is saving Van from having a stank-tackular season but he can't win the games for them. Sadly, in the Bettman scripted NHL, the MVP will likely be a guy who's name rhymes with 'Cindy Frosby'.

* K-Lowend (pro kay-loaned): The act of using the CBA and offer sheets in a hostile manner to acquire players of dubious skill for outrageous money from a team that beat you in a recent Stanley Cup final.

** Burke'd not to be confused with the popular chess defense strategy, this tactic requires you to release a player in light of a cap busting offer sheet to a team with minimal talent but whine about it in as many press conferences as possible. The usage of hyperbole and strongly worded statements to incite a team rivalry is also key.

Thoughts on the Winter Classic

2008-01-02T07:21:00.001-08:00

As a concept, I really enjoyed the Winter Classic. Some elements of it that I could do without:

1. The incessant hunt for some story rife with controversy. CBC had their band of muppets scouring the stadium hunting for some nugget of smut that would entertain viewers. Honestly? I don't give a fuck if the towels won't slide down the bench. Players didn't request new laundry between periods!? Say it ain't so. The only 'controversy' was the whole switching ends and whining about the long change. And even that was moot. The NHL is not the NFL nor the MLB. There is no Terrel Owens, there is no Jessica Simpson curse and perhaps we should be grateful.

2. The constant commentary on the deteriorating weather conditions. People, these are hockey players. In case you haven't noticed they haul ass on a nightly basis on a sheet of ice. Ice is cold. I think we can logically conclude that these dudes can handle some cold weather and snow. For a hockey player (especially one of Canadian descent or origins in an Original 6 City) deteriorating conditions means the snow is blowing so hard you can't see your hand in front of your face AND a Yeti is chasing your ass.

3. Zamboni Status updates. Never in my life have I seen such focus on the Zamboni. An essential part of any hockey game but I'm not sure I need CBC coverage on the location and running condition of the two zambonis. I appreciate the effort though.

4. Lastly, I would appreciate if Gary Bettman would script these games a bit more . . . unpredictably. I wish I had posted my prediction for the game because of course it was going to overtime and of course the game winner was going to be scored by Crosby. Gary you're doing it all wrong. . .

Top 10 List for 2007 (and day 1 of 2008)

2008-01-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, everyone and their dog posts a top 10 list of something. Typically, I like to post my top ten list of other people's top 10 lists the ever ironic TOP 10 of the TOP 10s but this year I am straying from tradition. Instead of mocking the evil horde of lemmings I find myself joining them. Color me aghast. Lest I leave you in anticipation, please read on.

10. Sidney Crosby did not make my top 10 list. Don't get me wrong, he's got star power but the fact that the NHL is all Sid all the time upsets me. There are many worthy players in the NHL that deserve more exposure.

9. Todd Fedoruk excelled at hitting his face against other players fists. All kidding aside, I do hope Todd is OK but I think he should lay off on the brawling, it doesn't appear to be working for him.

8. The use of eyeblack at the Winter Classic. It's not football but I appreciate the effort. To be honest, I challenge any footballer to lace up some skates and play some hockey. Better take your vitamin H bitches, vitamin HARDCORE!

7. Scott Niedermayer's return to the Ducks. Only to be derailed by the CBA! Who knew, Scott is not a CBA scholar!

6. Calgary Blogosphere Meetup. This was kickass because there are other people that blog about hockey and most of them are a million times better than me. Check my side bar for links, spread the love.

5. Bob McKenzie. What can be said about this man that hasn't already been said? Said by himself at that. The Glenn Beck of the sporting world Bob likes to blast us with cliches, hyperbole, and topical information. Dude is loud too, try listening to his podcast. What John Madden is to football, BobbyMack is to hockey. Move over Drew Remenda, I have a new sports pundit to hate on.

4. The night Iron Mike Keenan's random line generator broke and Dion Phaneuf ended up on the right wing. Anyone who's been paying attention to the Flames has noticed two curious things about Iron Mike. First, he chews ice chips as though they were the minced pieces of ex-nhler's who's souls he's crushed in the past. Secondly, he likes to change up the lines. A great deal. I am convinced that Keenan believes changing the lines is like entering the numbers into that computer on LOST; if he doesn't do it the world will end in a fuzzy purple explosion. Frankly, it's annoying and I think MetroGnome should open a betting house just on what madness Keenan will unleash with his line choices.

3. Patrick Kane and Jonathon Toews. Like Batman and Robin, this dynamic duo is all about kicking ass and taking names. Personally, I call them Sam and Max and they are directly responsible for the resurgence of the Chicago Blackhawks.

2. Eric Nystrom. At this point in the season he's my favourite Flame. Don't get me wrong, I dig all the gang but you have to show love to guys like Nystrom. He's plays hard, he's feisty, he fights, he's solid at all ends of the rink. He reminds me of Yelle. Earlier in the week I coined him Sandbox II but perhaps this needs to be reconsidered, Sandbox Jr, El Sandbox, or perhaps Sandcastle. (I'm personally digging Sandbox Jr.) Nystrom will proudly continue the Stephan Yelle tradition of being a gritty and determined hockey player.

1. The New Years Eve Hockey game. My better half secured tickets of an epic nature. I have never almost been hit by a puck before. Trust me it's a life altering experience. After shaking off the panic of nearly being killed there's a mad scramble to claim that piece of rubber. Of course my wife made absurdly good company but the rest of that section needs to liven up. Personally, I believe the nosebleeds crowd should move down to ice level and rock the fuck out.

AskGSN: Superbowl or the Winter Classic?

2008-01-01T11:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, there has been a great deal of debate here at GSN headquarters today. While sitting down and enjoying the winter classic the question arose, would you go to the superbowl or the winter classic?

Discuss.

Hockey OVERDOSE!

2008-01-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, there is so much hockey going on. I am currently watching the Winter Classic and last night, courtesy of my better half, I witnessed the end of the Canuck Curse. Yes folks from 6 rows up I watched Nolan beat Lou. LEGEN-(I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the rest of this sentence contains...) DAIRY! Lou's Vezina contention is under fire after Mark Smith and Owen Nolan scored on him. But I digress, many things to cover . . . .

Recently the Flames faced the Ducks. I have little love for the Ducks but they have a decent roster and should be respected. I figured after Parros scored this games was destined for the dumpster. I mean, Parros isn't renowned for his goal scoring prowess as much as his Super Villain mustache so I can sorta understand why David Hale left him alone but good lord, Parros didn't make into the NHL on his good looks alone. Any dude who has his own website should be respected. Presented with an empty net I think even I could score. Granted the Flames pulled it together and won, decisively. Amen, we might go above .500 at home at some point this season.

The Canuck Curse.
Since the start of the season the Vancouver Canucks have had the Flames number. The Sedins have possessed some 'instant panty dissolver' when it comes to Kipper given the ease with which they undress him in their efforts to score. (how many cliches can I fit in one sentence?) All the while, we Flames fans have been eager for the end of the Sedin Sister (assisted by the Manitoba Moose) molestation . As luck would have it, New Years Eve provided some much needed respite in the curse department: CGY defeated VAN, the Flames won at home, the Flames won with me and my wife in attendance, the flames won while I was wearing my jersey. Hockey Girl has provided many thoughts on curses and rituals. Perhaps good things are in store for the Flames in the new year?

A Long Expected Update

2007-12-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

So, it's been awhile. I'd apologize but I have been stricken by a terrible disease. Lazy-ass cantwriteapostitis. Luckily, the Calgary Flames Blogosphere met last evening and pried me out of my lethargy. Duncan, MetroGnome, WalkInvisible, Leanne and Dave (and some others) are some good people and even better company. At any rate, after we calculated the degrees separation between us we got down to business. In Brief:

The 6 Game winning streak on the road was nice. Don't get too excited. Those wins were courtesy of Iggy so please, stop talking about a leadership void in the dressing room. The Flames on paper should be winning the Stanley Cup; ironically, the opposition is not bowing to our statistical superiority. If championships were won on stats alone the Yankees would have won the World Series 40 times. On ice, the Flames have been performing at a mediocre level. I'm kinda low on clever ideas as to why. The only consistent theme has been the unpredictability of the Calgary Flames.

Nystrom is in my good books. I love his energy, grit, and determination. Why, we should refer to him as Sandbox II. Conroy is on the fast track to be sweeping out the arena after game (don't worry though, he'll pull it together) and Kipper continues to be having a rough year.

UPDATE SOON!

2007-12-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

I promise. Worst week ever to be busy. So many postable things occuring in the NHL.